


The Things That Matter Most

by butzichen



Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-01
Updated: 2018-11-04
Packaged: 2019-07-04 15:23:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 40
Words: 49,441
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15844044
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/butzichen/pseuds/butzichen
Summary: One day, Caitlin and Cisco leave to find Caitlin's father and Barry has to deal with a new meta attack without the help of his friends, realizing how much he took them for granted.Set after season 4, Barry starts to realize some mistakes he made in the past and tries to make up for them.





	1. Part One

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first time writing fanfiction, so I hope you guys like it. English is not my first language, so please excuse me if there are things that sound weird :)  
> I want to thank Reactoutloud for his amazing videos that keep my hope for Snowbarry going and R Emm for inspiring me to write this story.  
> Hope you enjoy my take on the redemption of the Flash.
> 
> Disclaimer: I don't own any rights, this is just for fun :)

Barry and Iris arrive at Starlabs to find Ralph already there, tapping frantically at the monitors. "What's going on?" Iris demands to know. "Ehm, I tried to tap into the CCPD network to see if any bad guys need arresting, but then all these windows popped up and I can't close them anymore" Ralph answers sheepishly. Barry rolls his eyes and presses the correct button closing all the windows. "Where are Cisco and Caitlin?" he wants to know. "Oh," Ralph replies "Didn't they tell you, they tracked down Caitlin's father last night and Cisco breached them there this morning." Barry looks quite taken aback but before he can say anything more, Iris interjects "Well great, they just leave without letting me know, how am I supposed to run the team if I'm not kept in the loop?" Barry ignores her and addresses Ralph "So he's alive? Caitlin's father is alive?" "Yeah, I mean, we've known that for a while now…" Ralph trails off as he sees the surprised look on Barry's face. Suddenly an alarm sounds. "It's the metahuman alert app" Iris yells as she slides behind the console "Suit up boys".

Barry runs Ralph and himself to the scene of the crime, the monument in front of Central City Picture News. But Ralph's words ‘We've known that for a while now' keep ringing in his ears. He shakes his head to get rid of the thoughts and concentrate on the danger ahead. There is destruction everywhere, a woman is badly injured, but no sign of the metahuman. Quickly he gets the woman and all the bystanders out of the way of falling objects while he hears Iris shouting in his ear "Barry you need to get everyone away from there." Ralph elongates and tries to steady the monument from tumbling over while Barry gathers some support beams at super speed and places them next to the collapsing monument. There seems to be no more imminent danger but he quickly searches the area to make sure. Everybody seems safe, the police and first responders arrive on the scene, but still no sign of any metahuman.

On their return to Starlabs, Iris gives them high fives while cheering "We did it guys". Ralph mumbles "Yes *we* did." But Iris doesn't seem to hear him. "We need to figure out who did this and fast before they hurt more innocent people" Barry states, looking around expecting Cisco or Caitlin to have already come up with an idea, but this time all he sees are Iris and Ralph looking at him expectantly. "Right," he says, trying to ignore the disappointment he feels, "well maybe I'll find some clues at the crime scene." As he heads out, he hears Iris say "Ralph, while Barry is doing his CSI thing, you should see if any of your old contacts know anything, while I'll call my dad to see if he has any information." Barry shakes his head and speeds off.

Joe is already awaiting Barry at the crime scene "You ok, Bar?" Barry nods slowly "Yeah, I just feel a little down, I guess." "Nothing like an interesting crime scene to get you going," Joe jokes while patting him on the back. Barry smiles "So how are Cecile and Jenna doing?" he asks. "They are perfect," Joe smiles proudly. "But it is very tiring to have a baby at home. I could go for a good night's sleep," he jokes. Barry laughs "You know you can call anytime if you guys need a babysitter." "Thanks, Bar" Joe pats him on the back once more, before walking toward another cop to get more information as Barry goes to work.

While his hands start going through the familiar motions of collecting samples and cataloging them, his thoughts drift off to Caitlin and Cisco. How has he not known that Caitlin's father is alive? Ever since Caitlin found out that she has had her powers already in her childhood, she has been investigating her past and her parents past. Though if he is honest with himself he only knows this because Cisco had told him what he had vibed. He has to admit he never talked to Caitlin about this… But that didn't mean she couldn't have talked to him about it, he would always be there for her... "Were you though?" a little voice inside his head resonates, but he quickly banishes it. Thinking about how he had been unable to keep Caitlin from turning into Killerfrost hurt him too deeply. Still, Cisco and Caitlin are his best friends, he can't help feeling a little betrayed that they had left on this pursuit without talking to him about it…

After finishing his work at the crime scene, Barry heads back to his lab to analyze the samples.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since I don't know how they will portrait the new Harrison Wells in season 5, I have decided not to include his character (yet). Writing new characters isn't my strong suit, so we'll see how it will go ;)


	2. Chapter 2

As Barry walks into his lab at the CCPD, Iris is sitting in his chair, feet on his desk. "What are you doing here?" he asks while removing some sensitive files from under her boots. "Barry" she smiles, tilting her head back expecting a kiss. He obliges quickly, then starts retrieving the samples he took. Iris goes on "There wasn't much to do at Starlabs with Cisco and Caitlin gone, so I thought I would come here and we could have some lunch." "Iris, you know I wish I could go to lunch right now, but if I don't analyze the samples right away, we won't get any answers on this metahuman." Iris' face falls a little, but then she smiles again. "I know Barry, but you also need a timeout once in a while, so maybe having lunch could clear your head and give you a new perspective." Barry tries to hide the annoyance flickering through him. "Look, I get it Iris, but so far we know absolutely nothing, so I really need some answers right now and the only way to do this is by doing my job." "Fine," Iris gets up reluctantly and slowly moves through his lab.

Ignoring her, Barry starts analyzing the samples, writing down some notes, pouring liquids into his testing tubes, when a gasp interrupts him. Looking up, he sees Iris standing in front of his "murder board", having lifted the map in front of it. "Oh great," he thinks while bracing himself against the oncoming tirade. Of course, he knows Iris wouldn't be happy about his investigations into Nora, their presumed daughter from the future. She is all too happy to accept Nora's explanations, another stone setting in the path of their future.

Uncomfortable with the silence that follows Iris' discovery, Barry speaks up "I'm sorry Iris, I just have to be sure. We can't keep trusting people blindly." She shoots him an angry look. "I can't believe you kept this from me, Barry, why didn't you tell me?" "Because you would have talked me out of it, because you would have been mad at me, because you would have guilt tripped me into stopping the investigation …" But none of these thoughts escape his lips. "I'm sorry Iris, I didn't want you to worry about it." "But that's what I'm here for, Barry, we're partners, but you need to let me in." Barry nods slowly trying to smile and suppress the thought that he has heard this speech before. "How about we get some lunch after all," Barry offers trying to change the subject, "I'm sure a few hours off won't kill anyone"

 

In the meantime, a young boy about eleven years old walks up to the hospital. Scared he holds his left arm with his right hand trying to ignore the stabbing pain coursing through it. He takes a deep breath and slowly enters the hospital, frightened he sees that the hall is full of people, so many injured, sobbing with pain, it brings tears to his eyes. Trying his best to avoid touching anything or anyone, the blonde boy edges closer to the reception. Just as he is about to reach it, a gurney collides with him, making him stumble onto a row of seats. Instantly the seats start to vibrate and collapse, the people around them startle and frantically try to get away, but in doing so, the young boy is pushed toward a column that starts shaking the second it comes into contact with him. Trying to get him out of danger, a nurse grips his arm and pulls, the boy tries to escape her grip, only to brush her hand with his for a minuscule moment. The nurse yells out in pain as her hand starts shaking uncontrollably…. 


	3. Chapter 3

Barry's phone starts flashing with an alert. He calls Starlabs right away, but nobody picks up. Cursing, he leaves Iris standing on the sidewalk and rushes towards Starlabs, he's quickly tapping on the monitor only to find out that alarm comes from the hospital. The Flash races over there, hurrying people out of the hospital, trying to find out what's going on.

Like this morning there is a lot of debris, but this time he sees a little boy standing in the middle of it, panic written all over his face. Close by he spots a nurse, shaking and crying out in pain, he rushes her to a group of doctors who sedate her and thereby stop the shaking. Barry hurries back to the boy. Unsure if the boy is in danger or the reason for the danger, he approaches him slowly.

"Hey, are you okay?" Barry asks gently, edging closer. "Stop, don't come any closer," the boy cries tears streaming down his face, "I don't want to hurt anybody else." The Flash lowers himself and looks straight into the little boy's eyes "Don't be scared, we can help you, but you need to trust me." Wearily the boy looks at him, still ready to run. "What's your name?" "Jonathan" "Okay Jonathan," Barry smiles encouragingly, "so you have powers right?" Jonathan nods. "And how do these powers work?" "I don't know," the boy replies his voice breaking, "when I touch something bad things happen." Barry wishes he could hear Caitlin's voice in his ear, telling him how this is possible, coming up with an answer, but instead he hears Iris saying "I'm back at Starlabs, Barry. You need to stop this kid before he's hurting anybody else!" Annoyed Barry takes a deep breath. "Jonathan, look at me, do you know who I am?" "You're the Flash, you save people." "That's right and if you let me I can help save you, too. But you need to come with me, so we can figure out how your powers work." "You need to cuff him, Barry!" Iris' voice shrieks in his ear, "he is too dangerous." "He is just a kid, I will do no such thing!" Barry hisses back and turns back to the boy, smiling. Jonathan is eyeing him carefully, but slowly he lets his guard down. "I'll come with you, but you can't touch my skin or you'll get hurt too." "Don't worry," Barry smiles relieved, "my suit will protect me." He carefully picks the boy up and rushes him to Starlabs, wishing once more, that Caitlin would be there to help him.

Having put Jonathan down on the cot in the med bay, Barry tells Iris to look after him and runs to his lab to pick up the samples. On his return, Iris is trying to bandage the boy's arm, but doing a poor job at it, mostly due to the three pairs of gloves she is wearing. Trying not to roll his eyes, Barry walks in and takes over for her, trying to mimic Caitlin's soft and steady movements that always comfort him when he's hurt. "So Jonathan, how long have you had your powers?" he asks gently, giving the boy a tissue to dry his tears. "A few years, my mom…" his voice breaks and he starts sobbing again. "It's okay, you don't have to talk about it if you're not up for it. How about you lie down and just try to get some rest. I'll be right next door if you need anything, okay?" Jonathan nods and Barry gently puts a blanket over him. The boy is obviously exhausted, he drifts off to sleep right away.

Barry starts analyzing the samples, while Iris hovers behind him. Trying to ignore her, he works as fast as he can, but what he finds out, perplexes him. He tests it over and over, but he can't really make sense of what he sees. Wishing again that Caitlin was here, he walks out of the room. "Where are you going?" Iris demands to know, "what did you find?" "I don't exactly know what it means, I need a minute to clear my head." He hears Iris trying to follow him, but fed up with her not giving him space when he needs it, he speeds off.

While he is running, he debates if he should call Caitlin and Cisco or not. "They never take any time for themselves, I should be able to give them at least this time," he thinks. But he also knows that he can't do this alone, he needs them. And he knows they would want to help the boy… "But what if I interrupt them at something important?"  Uncertainty sweeps through him. "Well if they had talked to me, I'd know what is going on", he thinks stubbornly. "If *I* had talked to them, I *would* know what is going on." Barry sighs deeply.

What has happened to their friendship? He used to always know what was going on with his friends. What happened? What changed? "You changed," a voice in his head says. And the more he thinks about it, the less he can ignore the nagging feeling that the voice is right. He has taken their friendship for granted. When have they last spent some quality time outside of work? Barry runs his hands over his face, thoughts racing. All his time has been split between Starlabs and Iris. And yet Cisco and Caitlin have always been there, always supporting him, helping him, coming up with ideas, doing all-nighters, figuring stuff out and what has he done? Taken them for granted! Shame and guilt flush through him as he reflects on his actions. He takes a deep breath and vows that he would do better from now on. Then remembering that Jonathan is alone with Iris at Starlabs, he quickly returns as well.


	4. Chapter 4

He tries calling Cisco and Caitlin but they don't pick up, disappointed he leaves them a message telling them what is going on and that he could use some help if they have the time. He goes back to working on the problem, wishing he had his team to bounce ideas off, while Iris, clearly still mad he had run off, is silently stewing in her chair, probably waiting for an apology. Barry is pretty convinced that Jonathan's power lies in destabilizing the molecules of the things he touches, but how exactly this happens and what the consequences of it are, are beyond his understanding.

After a while he notices that Jonathan is waking up, so he goes back in, followed by his wife. "You're up" Barry smiles at the boy. He just nods, still so much sadness in his eyes. "Do you want to try and tell us more about yourself?" he asks while offering him some cookies, Caitlin has always lying around. Jonathan swallows, but with a few breaks and some tears manages to tell his story.  
He has had these powers for a while, so his mother did everything to protect him, home-schooling him, keeping him away from other people and so on. But this morning he had finally convinced her to go to the park, but when they passed the monument in front of CCPN, a big crowd had separated him from his mother. Scared, he got swallowed by the crowd and before he knew it, his hand brushed the monument, making it tumble to pieces, while one piece fell on his mother and…  
Here the boy can't continue his story and starts sobbing again. Trying to comfort him, Barry puts a hand on his shoulders, but before he can say anything, Iris interrupts "You know Jonathan, my mother died too when I was young, well I mean she wasn't actually dead, I just thought she was, anyway she died last year for real, so what I want to say is, just because you're mother is gone, doesn't mean you're all alone." Barry can only stare at her in disbelief. How is this supposed to make him feel better? Softly he turns to the boy. "Jonathan, did your mother wear a light blue coat this morning?" The boy nods. "Well that woman was still alive when I got there, so don't give up hope alright. We'll find out what happened to her." Jonathan looks up at the Flash and seems a little more hopeful. Barry looks expectantly at Iris, who at last gets the hint and leaves to call Joe.

A few moments later, a breach appears in the middle of the lab and Cisco and Caitlin come through. "Hey man," Cisco calls "we got your message. Can't go a day without us, can you?" he jokes. Barry's face breaks into a smile as relief sweeps through him. He grins "No, I really can't do this without you". Caitlin swiftly puts on her lab coat and gloves and walks to Jonathan "So you must be the patient, how are you holding up?" She smiles gently and starts taking off his bandage and redoing it properly, while softly chatting away with him. For the first time, Barry sees a hint of a smile on Jonathan's face. He can't help but be so amazed at how Cait always manages to put people at ease that he keeps staring at her. "What are you doing?" Cisco wants to know, interrupting his thoughts. "Nothing" Barry replies quickly and picks up Jonathan's jacket and gives it to Cisco. "Do you think you could try to vibe his mother, she got hurt this morning?" "Sure thing." A few seconds pass before Cisco says. "She's alright. In the hospital, but she seems to be making a full recovery." They go to the med bay to reassure Jonathan who finally breaks out in a real smile, relief in his eyes.

Shortly afterwards Iris comes back to tell them the same information, but thanks to Joe, the mother will be informed that her son is safe and that he'll be by later on. "Let me take a look at those results," Caitlin says while sitting down at the computer. "Maybe I could make him a suit, something light and breathable that wouldn't expose his skin…" Cisco's wondering out loud. "Actually, I don't think that will be necessary," Caitlin interjects smiling, "I think I have an idea for a serum that could stabilize his cells so that he should be able to get control of his powers." "Alright team Flash!" Cisco shouts as he high fives Caitlin and Barry, ignoring Iris.

A little while later, after Cisco has entertained Jonathan with lots of Flash stories, Caitlin finishes the serum and administers it to the boy. Very carefully, Jonathan tries to touch a chair with his bare skin, but nothing happens. "Now try to use your powers," Cisco demands riveted. Jonathan closes his eyes, takes a deep breath and suddenly the chair starts to shake. Barry quickly removes it before it crumbles. "Good job." Jonathan is beaming. "Thank you so much, Flash, and you Dr. Snow." Smiling, Caitlin nods in his direction. "You're very welcome. If you ever need anything, you know where to find us." "Flash, I think, you should get Jonathan back to his mother," Iris interjects. "Actually," Jonathan speaks up, "Would it maybe be possible for Mr. Ramon to breach me there? The way he did in his stories." "Of course," Cisco responds proudly and vanishes with Jonathan through a breach.

While Caitlin goes back to work on her computer, Iris walks up to Barry "So should we head home? Have a little alone time?" She puts her hands around his necks, her long nails weighing down on him. Barry ducks under her arms while replying "Sorry Iris, I want to catch up with Cisco and Caitlin. I'll see you later at home." A little surprised at himself that he didn't ask for permission, he quickly walks away from her. At the same moment, Cisco reappears and Barry invites Caitlin and him to dinner.


	5. Chapter 5

"Look, guys," Barry begins after sitting down in a little Thai restaurant near Starlabs, "I wanted us to catch up and I want to know everything that you found out on your trip. But before that, I want to use this opportunity to apologize." "Why? Did you change the timeline again, Barry?" Cisco asks jokingly. "No" Barry smiles, "But I feel like I let you down. Again. Actually, it's been a constant thing recently and I'm ashamed to say it took you leaving for me to finally realize it. After Flashpoint I've been so wrapped up in my own guilt and then trying to save Iris, being stuck in the speed force… but after that, I really don't have an excuse anymore for not being a better friend to you guys. We're barely spending any time together outside of Starlabs and never just the three of us like old times. It has gotten so bad that I didn't even know that you found out that your father was still alive, Cait. And being on my own today, made me realize very harshly how much I've been relying on you two without giving you enough credit. I am truly sorry and I promise I will be a better friend." 

Barry looks at his two best friends hesitantly, unsure if they're going to accept his apology. Caitlin is the first to respond "Barry, we all know that you have been through a lot and you're married now, we don't expect you to spend all your time with us. But you're right, we have been growing apart and I for one would very much love to spend more time with you guys again." Seeing Caitlin give him her sweet smile, instantly made Barry feel better, as Cisco raises his glass "To the original team flash!" "Cheers!"

 

Afterward, they tell Barry how they thought they'd tracked Thomas down, but unfortunately, it had been another dead end. Together they brainstorm a few ideas on how to locate him. It is a great dinner with lots of laughter and talk just like old times. Since Caitlin's apartment is closest, they decide to walk her home first. "It's really not necessary" she insists, "Nothing is going to happen to me." "Says the girl who has been kidnapped 4 times," Barry replies dryly. "5 times if you count Black Siren," Cisco adds. "6 if you count the Trickster." "Not fair, Barry, he held me captive, too" Cisco complains. "Although we were all held captive in Gorilla City, so does that count too?" Barry inquires jokingly. "Very funny, boys." Caitlin starts walking ahead of them. Barry and Cisco catch up and they walk arm in arm with her. "Maybe you get a free kidnapping after the 10th one" Cisco wonders out loud. "Ouch"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter is a little bit shorter, but I kind of like to put a pause here. The next one is longer again :)


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another heart to heart. I hope I'm not overdoing it ;)
> 
> I used a few quotes from 'the Flash' and I just want to point out that I don't own any rights.

After safely delivering Caitlin at home (and making a big deal about making sure nobody was about to kidnap her), Barry and Cisco are slowly wandering down the street together. When Barry's phone buzzes, he checks to see a message from Iris "Where are you? When will you be home???" Pretty irritated with this message, considering it is only 11 pm, Barry sends a short reply. "Later. Don't wait up". Even though Barry is happy that he cleared the air with Cisco and Caitlin, there is still one thing bothering him.

"Cisco, can I ask you something?" "Sure, what's up?" "Why do you think Caitlin didn't tell me about what is going on with her father and her powers?" Cisco looks at him, a little unsure. "Truthfully?" Barry nods. Cisco takes a deep breath. "It's not like you've really been there for her through all of this." Barry is taken aback, but before he can respond, Cisco goes on. "Remember after we came back from Earth2, after meeting Killerfrost? I was so worried that Caitlin could turn into her. But you weren't, you were so sure that that would never happen and I didn't know why. But then, after she started turning, I saw you going after her, even hurt, you never gave up on her, you basically gambled your life on your friendship, telling her to kill you to get her back. And it worked, you brought her back. And I remember thinking that I got it now, why you were so sure. That guy, I thought, will always bring her back. And I relaxed a little, I think we all did, thinking you could always get her back." Barry nods remembering this day well. The worry, the guilt, his conviction to bring her back, he had been willing to risk everything for her. He had always been willing to give up everything for her. Until Iris' death overshadowed everything else…

Cisco continues. "But then that guy disappeared. You were so preoccupied with saving Iris, Caitlin was left fending for herself. And I blame myself, I should have noticed this sooner, I should have seen that she was left alone. We should have worked with her, but instead, I followed your lead, making Iris' safety our first priority and Caitlin was left alone with her fears. Enter Savitar, a version of you, Barry, who was willing to accept her for everything she is, no wonder our empty promises couldn't bring her back. We hadn't done anything to help her during months." Every word Cisco speaks cuts deep inside of Barry, shame weighing heavy on him, making his insides twirl with guilt and the realization that Cisco is absolutely right. He had focused everything on saving Iris, but at what cost? H.R. died and they lost Caitlin. Memories buried deep down start resurfacing. 

Barry waking up at Starlabs. Joe is gripping Wally's suit, Iris is no longer wearing her engagement ring, they both leave. Caitlin is still by his side: "I'm sorry. I should've never... I was afraid." "I know. Believe me, I know. Fear makes us do a lot of things that we shouldn't. My fear's the reason for all of this." Yes, his fear, the fear of losing Iris, had made him so obsessed, so blinded, it had overshadowed everything else. He had realized that at that moment…. Yet he didn't change anything.

Barry is in the future talking to Killerfrost "I'm so sorry I did this to you. I should have saved you." "I'm glad that you did this to me" "Caitlin wasn't. I failed her. But I won't when I go back. I'm gonna find you. I'm gonna help you." …. and yet he hadn't.

Caitlin in the pipeline. "I'm broken, Barry… But what do you care, Barry? You got your happy ending, you got Iris, everybody else be damned"

H.R's funeral, Caitlin leaving. "I don't have a home anymore"

Barry shakes his head trying to get rid of these awful memories, Cisco is right he had given up on her. Putting Iris first, he hurt so many people on the way. And worst of all, he hurt Caitlin, the one person he never thought he was able to hurt. The realizations bring tears to his eyes. "You're right, I wasn't there for her. I let her down…."

Cisco nods as they continue walking in a silence for a few moments before Barry speaks up again. "But after I came out of the speed force, everything seemed so normal again, she seemed fine." Cisco looks at him with weary eyes. "Though I guess I had lost her trust by then." Barry concedes sadly. 

"I'm not so sure, Barry. This is me speculating, here, it's not like I ever talked to Caitlin about it. But when I asked for her help to get you back from the speed force, she agreed right away and she returned to Starlabs. She had six months to come back and "make up for things" as she put it, but she only came back when you came back. I do believe she hoped, that now that Iris was safe, you would become the friend she used to have again." 

"And I let her down again" Barry's voice is heavy with regret. "But why did she never come talk to me, she never asked for my help, she never…" Barry trails off at Cisco's dry chuckle "Yeah, cause Caitlin always asks for help when she needs it." He rolls his eyes sarcastically. 

"I didn't see it. How did I not see it, I used to be so good at knowing when something was up with her. What happened?" Barry wonders out loud defeated. Cisco scoffs "Iris is what happened" Barry looks up surprised. "When was the last time you have had a real conversation with Caitlin? Alone?" Cisco demands. "I…" Barry starts, but realizes, he couldn't remember one. Devastation washes over him, his guilt stabbing at his heart. How could he have been so blind, so thoughtless? "You can't remember, can you?" Cisco goes on gently, still, each word cuts Barry like a knife. "Because all your time is spent with Iris, she is at Starlabs all the time, never giving you any space. Your vision is completely clouded, Barry! Now don't get me wrong, I'm glad you're happy, man, I want you to be. And I'm not mad at you, we haven't been as close as we were, but I accepted that you're married, your priorities shift. But if you really want to know why Caitlin didn't come to you with her worries, it's because you have left her alone with them for far too long." 

Barry covers his face with his hands "How can I ever make up for this?" he wonders hopeless, not expecting an answer. "Like you did tonight, Barry. Spending more time together, being more attentive." Cisco puts one hand on Barry's shoulders and smiles at him. "We're still your friends. And friends forgive." Barry looks up a little more hopeful and nods. "Thanks, Cisco"


	7. Chapter 7

They keep walking together in silence, Barry's thoughts reeling with realizations about his mistakes. He thought he let his friends down by creating flashpoint, but now he realizes this was just the beginning of it. Instead of making up for it, he kept making it worse and this past year, he didn't even notice how screwed up things really were. He had become selfish, a selfish superhero… perfect.

"Can I ask you something else, Cisco?" "I don't know, Barry, this conversation has already been way too heavy for my liking" Cisco jokes. Barry gives a little laugh. "Why is Iris the leader of team flash?" Cisco looks at him flabbergasted, then he starts laughing "Don't ask me, she's your wife, man." "But how the hell did she become the leader of team Flash?" "I don't even know, Barry. I was so focused on getting you out of the speed force, Harry and Caitlin were gone, so Iris started calling the shots and Joe and Wally happily followed suit. So I just went with it. I did have other things to worry about and I thought once we had you back, that would end."

"Well, I didn't want to rock the boat when I came back, she made it seem like this was something you all wanted. I honestly didn't get it, she isn't very useful and clearly, we were fine without her for so long. But I finally had her back and I guess I didn't want to argue over something unimportant." Barry concedes. 

"Barry, I'm all for keeping the peace and if you want to keep letting her play team leader, go ahead. But just so you know, I think the whole team is pretty fed up with her giving us orders and telling us how to do things we all know how to do, even better than her. You're the leader of team flash and we will always follow your lead, even accepting Iris as our *boss*." "Wow, just more proof that I have screwed up. We should have had this talk a year ago, we could have saved ourselves a lot of annoyance" Barry laughs and Cisco joins him. It feels good to be on the same page again, not holding anything back from his best friend.

 

Later Barry is lying in bed, unable to sleep, going over all the realizations of this day. Iris has pretended to be asleep when he had come home, but he ignored it and she finally fell asleep for real. He knows that he was going to have to talk to her soon, there are too many things starting to feel wrong in this relationship. But he doesn't really know how to talk to her. After all these years of being in love with her, trying to be the perfect guy…for her, he has finally gotten what he always dreamed of. And when Savitar had threatened to take that away, he had become obsessed, struggling to hold on even tighter, leading to them getting married after only a year of dating (he isn't counting his time in the speed force). He has always assumed that that didn't matter considering they'd known each other for so long, but lately it dawned on him that the Iris he has been in love with, best friends with, put on a pedestal really, isn't the same as the real Iris, the one he's married to. And it's not as if he can blame her, she didn't change that much over the past year; he just couldn't see the truth back then. Maybe if he can convince her to leave Starlabs, go back to being a journalist, maybe if they didn't spend so much time together, maybe things would go back to the way they used to be. Giving him more space to be himself and spend time with the team, and maybe she would be more fulfilled back at her job as a journalist. Clinging to that thought like a lifeline, Barry finally falls asleep. Though his dreams are filled with reliving his mistakes…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So the day has finally come to an end, I hope it didn't drag out too long, but I was just kind of in the flow :) I already have the next part in the works. But I would love some feedback before I edit and post it. I'm really hoping to make this a slow burn towards Snowbarry.


	8. Part Two

The next morning Barry wakes up with a purpose, today he is going to talk to Caitlin alone, no matter what. He's done letting her down. 

It's late and Iris is already gone. He quickly has some breakfast and speeds over to CCPD to get his work of the day done before the next meta attacks. When he's about to test the last sample, Joe walks in. "Hey, Bar. How are you doing?" "I'm alright" Barry replies and looks up. He can immediately tell that there is something on Joe's mind. "What's up?" "Look, Barry, I know that you and Iris are adults now and I don't want to meddle, but you're still my kids…" Barry winces, why does Joe keep talking about them that way, jeez it feels like he married his sister. "… and I want you to be happy." Joe pauses carefully, while Barry just looks at him expectantly. 

He has gotten used to Joe meddling in his love life, he knows Joe means well and he usually gives him good advice. Joe sighs "It's just that Iris came over for dinner last night, alone, and had coffee with me this morning, alone again. I'm just wondering if everything is ok with you two." Barry tries to reassure him "We're fine. Just because we're married doesn't mean we're joined at the hip. I had dinner with Cisco and Caitlin last night and it got late, that's all." Joe still seems unconvinced "If you say so, but just so you know, Iris didn't seem very happy about it." "It was one evening, Joe. If there is something bothering her, I'm sure she'd tell me." "It's just, I think she felt left out. Maybe you could have invited her to dinner as well." Now Barry's starting to get a little annoyed though. He knows that the only person who puts Iris on a higher pedestal is Joe, but still. "Iris needs to be able to spend one night without me so that I can spend time with *my* friends… Maybe if she had friends of her own." Barry mumbles the last part under his breath. Joe holds up his hands "You're right, just wanted to give my two cents" He chuckles lightly and leaves the lab.

 

At lunchtime, Barry picks up some pizza and heads over to Starlabs. "My man" Cisco shouts joyfully when he sees the pizzas and starts munching immediately. Iris and Ralph quickly follow suit. Barry looks around and sees Caitlin working in the med bay, but before he can gather his courage to go talk to her, she has already joined them and starts eating as well. "Uh, anchovies, my favorite. Thanks, Barry" She flashes a quick smile at him which he returns eagerly. "Great, just because Caitlin likes anchovies, shouldn't mean we all have to eat around them" Cisco complains jokingly, but Barry just ignores him. 

Ralph speaks up. "So you were about to tell me how you defeated Savitar in the end, Cisco." "Well, while I was sparing with Killerfrost…" Barry sees a shadow of pain and regret flash over Caitlin's face as Cisco continues enthusiastically "Barry was fighting Savitar. But thanks to me, I got through to Killerfrost, she sent a stream of ice into Savitar. This weakened him and allowed Barry to phase into Savitar's suit and push him out of it. And then Barry beat the crap out of him, but just when we thought it was over and Barry had turned his back on him, Savitar got back up…." Cisco pauses for dramatic effect. "…and Iris shot him in the back." Ralph nearly chokes on his piece of pizza "You did what?" he looks at Iris dumbstruck. Iris couldn't help but grin proudly "I know, all these months Barry thought he needed to save me from Savitar, but I ended up saving Barry from him." "So you killed him?" Ralph asks slowly. "You freaking killed him!?!" Ralph gets up clearly angry. "After all that talk last year about being a hero and how we couldn't kill Devoe no matter what, you now tell me that Iris just killed Savitar and you are all fine with it?!" "Well, he was going to disappear anyway because of the time paradox." Cisco starts weakly. Ralph just snorts and walks out. "I need some time guys."  
Barry just sits there stunned. How has he never seen this? Iris had, in fact, killed Savitar. Yes technically he would have died anyway, but she basically killed him. Savitar, a future version of himself, a future version of the men she claimed she loved. Barry gulps, how had things become so messed up, that he never realized this? "Barry, can we talk?" Iris asks. He nods, yes, he thinks, we really need to talk about this, and follows her out into the hallway. 

"So I was thinking", Iris starts "that you were right about Nora" Barry looks at her puzzled. Iris continues "We need to know more about her, so I invited her to dinner tonight…at my dad's." She looks at him expectantly, but Barry is too shocked to speak. This? This is what she wanted to talk about? Now? Barry tries to gather his thoughts, but he doesn't even know where to start. "What about what Ralph said? About Savitar?" "What about it, Barry?" Iris replies coldly. "Don't you think we need to talk about this, you killing someone." "Come on, this was over a year ago, and he was going to die anyway, I don't see why this is suddenly a big deal. But Nora is here right now in the present and we need to deal with her. So I expect to see you tonight at seven." Iris huffs and walks away.

Barry is still standing in the hallway, not moving when the alarm goes off. Shaking his head, he rushes over and puts on his suit. "There's a robbery in progress" Time to go save the city.


	9. Chapter 9

After putting away the bad guys, Barry returns to Starlabs and changes back into his clothes. Caitlin and Cisco are working in the lab, while neither Ralph nor Iris is around. Assuming Iris is helping Cecile and Joe prepare for tonight, Barry joins his friends in the lab. "Before I forget, do you guys want to come to dinner tonight at Joe's? Iris invited Nora," he adds. "Sure thing," Cisco states, while Caitlin wants to know "Are you sure we wouldn't be intruding? You know, family thing and all?" "Definitely not, I'd be glad for the moral support," Barry replies. "Then we'll be there," Caitlin promises. 

"So what are you working on?" Barry inquires. Caitlin launches into an explanation. "So as you know, we figured out that my powers are still residing in me; since they were always a part of me, Devoe couldn't have taken them away. As far as we can tell, the dark matter I found especially in the amygdala of my brain in previous tests was just a manifestation of these powers." "Because your powers are linked so closely to your emotions" Barry continues. "Exactly. Now either that is still true but because of the lack of dark matter, we can't tell anymore…." Cisco interrupts "Which is why I think we should keep scaring you to stimulate that part and bring Killerfrost out." "But we have tried that already Cisco and nothing has worked, so short of a real trauma..." But Barry interrupts her "which we don't want to cause for obvious reasons." looking pointedly at Cisco, who puts up his hands "just saying." 

"The second possibility" Caitlin continues "is locating the center of my powers elsewhere but according to my mother we need my father to tell us what to look for, now that the dark matter doesn't highlight it anymore. But his location still eludes us." Barry looks at Caitlin who's biting her lower lip anxiously. "The way I see it, this shouldn't be an either-or kind of thing. We should keep tracking your father, trying to vibe him and so on, but we can't just assume that when we find him…" "If we find him" Caitlin interjects. Barry looks Caitlin in the eyes "*When* we find him, that he can just hand us the solution on a golden platter. So I think another part of our efforts should go into finding our own solution. Yes, so far fear and pain have brought out Killerfrost before, but those aren't the only emotions, so I think your powers could still be linked to your emotions even if being scared doesn't bring them out." 

Caitlin nods slowly, thinking about what he said. "What else?" she asks him. Barry looks at her unsure. "Oh come on, I can tell there's more on your mind" Caitlin smirks. "There is" he sighs "but I don't like it one bit." "Now you have to tell us" Cisco points out eagerly. Barry takes a deep breath, knowing he will regret this "The dark matter. It highlighted your powers, so maybe it can do it again…" "If we flood her system with dark matter" Cisco finishes "Oh I like it, Barry, so many possibilities. Damn, I wish we could still consult with Harry… but no worries, I'll check his journals and recordings, we're sure to find a way" Cisco leaves the lap excitedly before Barry can stop him. 

He looks at Caitlin worried. "I'm sorry, I know I shouldn't have said anything, this is too dangerous." But Caitlin just looks at him, hope in her eyes. "No, thank you, Barry, this gives us a real lead. And it's not like I'm just going to blast myself with dark matter right away, but this does open a lot of possibilities," she reassures him. "I just need you to be safe, Cait. Please promise me, you won't do anything, unless all three of us agree." "I promise." Barry can't quell his worries, but seeing the hopeful smile on her face, really lifts his spirits. 

 

This is his chance, they finally have a moment alone. Barry takes a deep breath. "I need to apologize to you Cait." "No, Barry this is a good idea, don't worry," she smiles. "It's not that... I need to apologize for the last year, hell the last two years," he explains his voice filled with regret. "You already apologized to Cisco and me last night, we're good Barry" she gives him an encouraging smile. He shakes his head "No, not yet. Yes, I apologized for neglecting our friendship. But I didn't just neglect our friendship, I completely let you down. I was so focused on saving Iris, I didn't even try to save you. There were so many signs, so many turning points and every time I prioritized Iris over you. I should have helped you learn to control your powers, instead we just put a dampener on them and ignored the problem. Even though the news headline stated ‘Killerfrost still at large' I ignored it, never realizing how helping you could have helped save Iris. I put you to the side, expecting you to always be there and drove you right into Savitar's arms. And I'm so sorry." Barry's voice breaks. 

Caitlin can't believe she's finally hearing the apology she had expected a year ago. After getting him out of the speed force, she had returned, hoping Barry would be there for her this time around, without Iris's life on the line. But he wasn't, so she had pushed her disappointment down, trying to hide these feelings even from herself. "Barry, I don't blame you for prioritizing Iris, her life was on the line, mine wasn't. Do I wish things would have been different? Yes, absolutely. But I'm not your responsibility, my actions are my own as are my mistakes. I don't expect you to rescue me." 

"No I know that Caitlin, you were always capable of rescuing yourself, but you shouldn't have had to. I should have been there for you, to help you, to train you, to get you through it. And I completely failed. And the worst part is, I kept letting you down afterwards. I didn't try to make up for my mistakes, I kept making the same one. I never asked you how you got rid of Killerfrost, we never talked about those six months I was in the speed force and when I found out Killerfrost was still a part of you, I got a second chance to be there for you, help you through it. But no, I was planning my wedding. In retrospect, I can't even believe that guy was me. I was a selfish jerk, but you were still there, still by my side, still patching me up, helping team flash, even though we never helped you in return." 

Caitlin's heart is breaking seeing the tears in Barry's eyes. She had never been mad at him, even when she had felt all alone, she knew he was happy and that was more important to her. But it feels good to see him again, the Barry she used to know, her best friend, who always had her back, who could read her better than anyone, who always knew when she needed help even when she couldn't ask for it. She feels a part of her breaking away, some wall she had built in her subconscious… she had missed him so much. 

But before she can speak, Barry continues "I swear to you, I will never ever let you down again. I don't know how I can ever make up for everything I did, but I will never stop trying." "You just did" Caitlin smiles softly, trying to blink back her own tears, "thank you, Barry." Relief floods through Barry, knowing he finally started to make up for his mistakes. He pulls Caitlin into a hug, wrapping his arms tightly around her. She leans into him, squeezing his back and standing there, hugging, they both feel a peace they haven't felt in a long time.


	10. Chapter 10

Barry arrives at Joe's a little before seven, ready to lend a helping hand, before everybody arrives. Just as he is about to walk through the door, his phone buzzes. It's a message from Cisco, apologizing that he can't make it tonight. Apparently Gypsy has contacted him, wanting to talk and Cisco felt like he owed her that much. Barry quickly responds ‘No problem, I completely understand. But I want an update later :) ' and enters Joe's house.

The first thing he hears is a loud noise from the kitchen as the baby starts crying. Not seeing anybody else, he walks into the kitchen, to find Cecile stirring the sauce with one hand while holding the baby in the same arm and using the other hand to flip through the cookbook and softly shushing Jenna. The whole place is a mess as are Cecile's clothes. Barry quickly steps forward and takes the baby in his arms. "Hey, you" he gushes while putting a kiss on her cheek. "Where is everyone?" he asks Cecile. "Oh Barry, thank goodness you're here, this whole place is a mess, dinner not's ready, the table is not set yet, I'm not ready. Joe went out to get some wine because somehow we're out of wine. And all this on two hours of sleep, it's a bit much," she sighs, completely exhausted. Barry gives her Jenna back and at super speed, he sets the table and cleans the messy kitchen. "Thank you," Cecile says relieved. "No problem, but where is Iris?" "I don't know, Joe said he talked to her earlier, she would be here at seven as well." Barry can't believe that Iris would put all that work on Joe and Cecile and not even show up to help. But he can't change that now. "How about I take Jenna for a while and you go take a shower and change. Don't worry I'll finish Grandma Esther's meatloaf, I've helped prepare that one so many times." He smiles. "Thank you, Barry, you're a lifesaver" 

A little later, Joe comes back with the wine. Barry hands him his daughter and puts the finishing touches to the meal. Everything finally seems ready, even Cecile emerges looking like a person again. At that moment, Iris shows up, followed by Wally, Nora and Caitlin. After the greetings, Joe ever the host starts serving drinks, while Barry asks Iris for a word. "Now Barry? The whole point is to get to know our daughter." But Barry ignores her objections. "Why weren't you here to help Joe and Cecile prepare? They have enough on their hands with Jenna, we don't need to add to their plate." Iris is slightly taken aback by Barry's tone but quickly recovers. "It's only dinner Barry, it's not like I asked them to host a party. Neither did I demand they cook something themselves, we could have ordered in if it was too much work. I really don't understand why you're so upset." "Wow, you can be so selfish sometimes, Iris. Maybe it would be good if you started putting yourself in somebody else's shoes for once." Iris looks at Barry confused as he walks back to join the others.

 

The whole evening goes pretty well with the conversation flowing easily. But Barry keeps noticing Joe and Cecile hiding their yawns, so he takes over most of the hosting responsibilities, to give them some rest. Iris is very adamantly chatting with Nora, while her supposed daughter is a little more closed off. Barry has tried to get more information out of her, but she pretended not to be able to tell them more, the consequences of knowing the future and so on. She only ever said that she had made a mistake and changed the timeline and now she couldn't go back to her time, but she wouldn't tell them what had changed. 

Before sitting down at the table, Barry goes into the kitchen to start bringing out the food, before Joe and Cecile would have to. He is quickly joined by Caitlin. "I thought I would lend a helping hand, Joe and Cecile seem like they have enough on their plate, sleep deprived as they are, they should rest." "My thoughts exactly," Barry smiles handing her the meatloaf, while he grabs the salad and the baked potatoes. Everybody seems to enjoy the food and Barry can’t help but look over to Caitlin a lot, who’s talking to Nora and seems to have more success at doing so. If anybody can get information out of her, he thinks, it's Caitlin with her smile. 

Jenna has finally finished her bottle and Cecile gets a chance to start eating as well when the baby manages to throw up all over herself. But before Cecile has a chance to even put down her knife and fork, Caitlin has already gotten up. "Let me take care of it, I'm already done eating and you still haven't started." "Thanks, Caitlin, that's very sweet of you." Caitlin takes Jenna in her arms and walks upstairs. "I'll make sure she knows where everything is" Barry excuses himself moments later and goes after Caitlin.


	11. Chapter 11

Barry leans in the doorframe, watching Caitlin in her beautiful dark blue cashmere dress that nicely hugs her figure as she’s taking off Jenna's dirty clothes. As if she senses him, she looks up and smiles. Walking in he asks "Did you find everything?" She nods. "Yes, I'll just change her diaper and put her pajamas on, they're lying on the bed." Barry hands her the PJs while watching her change the diaper with ease. "Wow, you're changing diapers like a professional." "Well I am a doctor, Mr. Allen," she smiles but continues, "I had a lot of babysitting jobs when I was younger, I guess practice makes perfect." Barry laughs. "That makes sense." Caitlin looks up raising her eyebrows. So Barry explains. "You're just the kind of person that parents would entrust with their child. Sweet and caring." Caitlin blushes and continues dressing Jenna. 

"So how are you doing?" she wants to know, "it can't be easy having a future daughter over for dinner." "No, it's not" Barry agrees, sighing. "It's not just that there's another stranger claiming to be on our side and again I have to walk the line, between paranoia and learning from previous mistakes. I mean how can I trust her if she doesn't tell us everything?" Catlin looks up "You know why she can't though, right, I mean if she's telling the truth." "I know, Cait, but what if she isn't telling the truth. It's just becoming more and more difficult to trust people." Nodding, Caitlin replies carefully. "I'm not suggesting, you should trust her right away. Trust has to be earned, so stay vigilant… but also give her a chance to earn that trust." Barry nods knowing it was good advice, but unsure if he would be able to follow it. Caitlin picks up Jenna and holds her in her arms. "So what's the other thing?"

"Honestly, I just kind of had it with the future," Barry sighs and continues, "sometimes I feel like my whole relationship with Iris is based on the future. First, there was that article from the future, then Savitar and now a daughter from the future. It feels like my whole life is more about the future than about the present. I just sometimes wonder what my life would be like without so much influence from the future." Caitlin gently puts her hand on his arm, giving him a squeeze and smiling encouragingly. "I understand, knowing I would end up being Killerfrost definitely didn't help me cope with it. But we proved that we can change the future… if we want to." Feeling a little bit better, Barry reaches out his arm and pulls Caitlin and Jenna into a hug, leaning his head on hers for just a moment. 

When they come downstairs, Iris is waiting at the end of the staircase. "We need to talk" she demands. So Barry stops next to her, while Caitlin walks back into the living room, handing Jenna over to Cecile and helping Joe serve dessert. Barry looks at Iris expectantly, he’s not going to start this time. After an awkward minute, Iris hisses "What were you doing with Caitlin for so long?" "I was talking to my friend," Barry replies nonchalantly. "You've been spending a lot of time with her recently," she accuses him. A part of Barry, just wants to apologize and promise to spend more time with Iris, like he always does, but this time the other part in him wins the fight "Iris, ever since we've been together, I have spent less and less time with Caitlin and Cisco and I've realized that I have been a bad friend to them, so yes I will be making up for my behavior and I will be spending more time with them again. And I really need you to be okay with that. They are my best friends and I am done letting them down." Iris looks at him surprised, not expecting him to stand up for himself. "Fine" she scoffs and walks away. Barry sighs, he knows it's not fine, but he won't be deterred, not this time. 


	12. Part Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A visit from team Arrow, followed by a heart to heart between Oliver and Barry. Hope you enjoy :)

The next few weeks Barry keeps running, keeps trying, trying to do a good job at CCPD, having lost his job last year, had just reminded him how much it was a big part of him. It had been his way of helping people long before he had ever become the Flash and he never wanted to give up that part of his identity anymore. Trying to put away all the criminals in Central City, although he couldn't shake the feeling that things have been eerily quiet lately, making him uneasy. 

Trying to help his friends find a solution to Caitlin's powers, though so far they haven't made much progress. Cisco was still researching the dark matter idea, with little viable success and they still hadn't managed to locate Caitlin's father, but it wasn't for lack of trying. Barry still thought that Caitlin's emotions were the key to her powers, but their friendship still slowly finding its way back to what it used to be, he didn't feel it was his place to confront her with them. Still, he managed to spend a lot more time with his friends. Going out for drinks, when Cisco was crushed that Gypsy had only contacted him to retrieve some things she had left at his place. Slowly regrowing the bonds that made them so strong together. 

He was also helping out Joe and Cecile, all the while trying to be a good husband to Iris. They had come to a standstill on the subject of his spending more time with Cisco and Caitlin, Barry knew she wasn't happy about it but had accepted it and so far neither of them had mentioned it again. He was also slowly encouraging Iris to spend more time writing her blog and to pursue her journalism career, nudging her gently to put out feelers for job offers. It wasn't an easy task since he had to convince her that team flash would be fine without her, without telling her that team flash was fine without her. But he feels like he is making headway, Iris already spent less time in the lab and worked on her blog every day. The only thing Barry hasn't managed to do is talk to Nora, no matter how many people told him to, no matter that he knew it was the right thing to do, something was holding him back…

 

Barry is sitting in Starlabs, discussing new additions to his suit with Cisco, when Felicity shows up. "Hey Felicity, what are you doing here?" Barry asks surprised, but then he notices the look on her face. "What's wrong?" "We need help" Felicity replies as Diggle walks in, pushing a gurney in front of him…on it a motionless Oliver. Cisco and Barry jump up. "What happened?" "We don't know, he's in a coma and we can't wake him up and the doctors have no idea why and we…" Felicity's voice breaks. "Cisco, help them put him in the med bay," Barry instructs while rushing off to find Caitlin in the speed lab. "We need you," he says urgently. Caitlin takes one look at his face and just lifts her arm, knowing he will sweep her up in his arms and rush off with her. 

Hours pass while Caitlin tests and treats Oliver, the rest of them waiting outside. Barry keeps following everything she does with his eyes, ready to be at her side at a moment's notice. Apparently, Oliver had been attacked by some poison that resulted in his coma. No outside traces of any injuries, he is lying still on the bed, his bare chest exposed, sensors attached to monitor his vitals. "Physically, he's fine," Caitlin starts as she comes out of the med bay, "as far as I can tell, this poison slowed down his mind and put him in a deep sleep." "Just like sleeping beauty" Cisco states intrigued. Caitlin gives him a pointed look. "Yes, but I doubt a kiss will work in this case." She looks up at Felicity and Diggle. "I injected him with a serum that should allow his mind to speed up again, but if he doesn't wake up by himself in the next few hours. We need to come up with alternative solutions and find a way to enter his mind and bring him out." 

 

A little later, Barry, Cisco, and Caitlin are working on the alternative solutions, while Felicity sits by Oliver's bedside holding his hand and Diggle goes to call and update Layla. Just then Iris walks in. "I saw Diggle outside. What's going on?" "Oliver is in a coma and we're trying to wake him up," Barry informs her, getting up. Iris walks towards the med bay and looks through the window and sighs. "I know, we're all worried," Barry says as he steps next to her. "Huh? Oh yeah worried, yes I'm worried, I wasn't staring at his abs or anything." Iris stammers blushing. "He does look hot though, shirtless" she mumbles. "For real?" Barry looks around and just catches Caitlin rolling her eyes and Cisco shaking his head. He doesn't want to cause a jealous scene, so he just walks back to his friends, trying to concentrate on the problem at hand. 

A moment later he hears the door shut and looks up to see Iris in the med bay talking to Felicity. Caitlin catches him looking and tries to reassure him. "Iris is only trying to comfort Felicity." Barry snorts "Yeah because she's so good at that." While Cisco adds dryly. "Or she just wanted a better view of his abs." "Cisco!" Caitlin says indignantly. Barry shakes his head, trying not to think about what it means that his wife keeps saying how hot other people are in front of him. "Let's get back to this."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For some reason I have trouble staying in one tense, I started in the present and keep switching to the past. I think I found most of these mistakes, but I'm sorry for the ones I didn't ;)


	13. Chapter 13

"He's not waking up by himself, is he?" Felicity says her voice filled with worry. "No, he isn't," Caitlin replies gently, putting a hand on her friend's shoulder, "but Barry and Cisco will get him out, trust me." They are alone in the med bay while Cisco and Barry are getting ready to vibe Barry into Oliver's brain, a risky endeavor but the only idea they have managed to come up with.

"I just hate seeing him like this", Felicity goes on, "he's always the strong one, moving, taking action, having him lie here, motionless, just feels wrong." "I know," Caitlin replies, "waiting by Barry's bedside, hoping he'll wake up soon, has become a way too recurring thing around here. But the moment he does wake up, the moment he opens his eyes again and looks at me, these moments, on the other hand, are the best. So just hold on, okay, soon Oliver will be opening his eyes again too, I promise." Felicity nods and smiles at Caitlin.

 

"So what is this?" Diggle inquires pointing at a sort of helmet, Cisco is putting on Oliver's head. "This, my dear friend," Cisco explains, "is the neurotransviber, it will make sure that I actually vibe Barry inside Oliver's brain and it will keep us connected so that I can get him out at the right time." "Ready?" Cisco asks Barry. He nods determined, looking around the room one last time. "Be careful, Barry," Caitlin says as they lock eyes for a moment. "I'll be okay," he reassures her and grabs Cisco's arm.

 

The next moment, he finds himself standing in a fancy hallway with old oak doors. "I think I'm at the Queen's mansion." He hears a noise and walks slowly down the stairs into the living room. Oliver is sitting in front of a TV. Not moving, not blinking. "Oliver" Barry shouts, but he doesn't react. Nor does he move, when Barry touches him. He's completely frozen in place staring at the screen. On the screen, scene after scene flashes. Oliver's father putting a gun against his head. Slade driving a sword through his mother's heart. Tommy buried under debris. Laurel getting stabbed by Damien Darhk. Quentin lying in a hospital bed…. "Guys, what am I supposed to do?" "Try switching off the TV", he hears Diggle's voice. Barry tries using the remote... nothing happens; the buttons on the TV don't react; he unplugs it…nothing happens. "Easier said than done" Barry shouts. He looks at Oliver, sitting there, silent tears running down his face, so much pain in his eyes. "Do your powers still work?" Caitlin wants to know. Barry vibrates his hand at super speed. "Yes!" He quickly pulls a reverse flash on the TV and vibrates his hand through it. The screen explodes into a thousand different pieces. Swiftly he moves all the pieces headed towards Oliver out of the way. Oliver starts blinking and looks up "Barry?" Barry just laughs relieved. "I got him, Cisco, pull us out."

 

They are back in the med bay, Felicity is kissing Oliver, who still seems a little overwhelmed by all of it. Diggle claps Barry on the back. "Thank you, man". Cisco gives him a high five and Caitlin gives him a quick hug. Smiling, Barry looks around to find Iris standing in the doorway looking sour. "Of course", he thinks to himself, while walking towards her. "What's wrong?" Barry asks as they walk out into the hallway together. "Why didn't you wait for me, before you did something so dangerous?" Iris demands. Barry is surprised, he hadn't even realized she hadn't been there; then again it's not like he had needed her. "I couldn't let Oliver suffer any longer, the moment we were ready, we had to proceed." Iris seems a little mollified with his explanation. "So guess what?" "What?" Barry asks. "I got a job interview tomorrow." Iris grins. "Really? That's great news, Iris" Barry says, pulling her into a hug. Maybe it isn't the ideal time to tell him, but at least this time she has waited until the crisis was over to talk about their personal life. "So can you explain to me what you did exactly, I want to update my blog before the interview," Iris asks. Barry sighs, they still have a long way to go.


	14. Chapter 14

The next morning, Oliver is still lying in the hospital bed, Caitlin having insisted he needed recovering from his ordeal, much to Oliver’s dismay, when Barry walks in. "Thanks again for saving me" Oliver smiles. "Sure thing" Barry replies as he sits down next to him, "Are you alright?" "I'll be fine, Barry" Oliver replies waving off his concerns. "Where is everyone?" Barry wants to know. "At Jitters, Cisco and Caitlin invited Felicity and Diggle for coffee," Oliver replies, "Iris?" Barry grins. "At a job interview". "Wow, you seem happy about that. I thought you were working together." Oliver wonders. "We are" Barry replies dryly, "but you have no idea how relieved I'm going to be if she gets a job as a reporter again." Oliver raises his eyebrows "Trouble in paradise?" 

Barry sighs. "Honestly, Oliver, I'm just having a lot of doubts about Iris and me, lately." Oliver looks at him surprised. "Barry, maybe it's just the honeymoon phase being over and it's going to take some adjustments to married life." "I don't think so" Barry puts his head in his hands. Oliver looks over, taken aback. "Is it really that bad? Iris seemed happy last night…" "That's the worst part, it's not that things have suddenly become bad. They have always been bad, but somehow I managed not to notice it. And now I feel like I woke up and see clearly now and I can't believe how we got here." Oliver looks at him suspiciously "Did you mess with time again?" "What? No. Definitely not. I promise." Barry grins despite himself.

"Then how can you say things have always been bad, every time I saw you in the past two years, you have been so happy," Oliver wonders, "You got the girl, your dream came true and all that mushy stuff." Barry nods "Yeah, I don't know, I guess I've been living in this dream world, so focused on the part about finally being with Iris that I didn't see the rest." "The rest?" Oliver inquires worried about his friend.

"She is so selfish and controlling," Barry whispers, surprised at himself, that he finally voiced these thoughts, "and I always put her first, her needs, her wants, I did everything I could to make her happy, wanting to hold on to the dream. And on the way, I've lost sight of what is important to me and I've let my friends down. I feel like I keep tiptoeing around her feelings, trying to make her feel useful, trying to accommodate what she wants. And I never saw it, I never saw her flaws and loved her despite them; I loved a version of her that had no flaws. How screwed up is that?" 

Oliver looks at Barry alarmed. "Barry, I don't know what to tell you, man, you always seemed so happy. I always knew Iris was a bit selfish and honestly I never got why she was part of your team, but I thought it made sense to you."  
They are silent for a while. "Have you talked to Iris about your doubts?" Barry shakes his head. "How can I tell her? Yes, things have been tense lately, since I've stopped putting her first all the time since I've dared speak my mind a few times. But I can't tell her that I have doubts about our marriage, now that I see what a flawed person she is. How do I explain that I didn't really see her for who she was before and how can I tell her, that I don't think I love that person? That I only love a dream version of her." Barry looks at Oliver desperation in his eyes.

"I don't know Barry, but I still believe that when it comes to a relationship, honesty is the best policy, believe me, Felicity has that one drummed into me." Oliver laughs a little but then remembers something else. "Wait, didn't Cisco tell me that you had a daughter from the future?" 

Barry nods, defeated. "Yeah… her name is Nora. And everybody is telling me that I should get to know her, but I just can't. Ever since she showed up, Iris has been hinting at having kids, but I'm so unsure about Iris at the moment, I don't want to have kids." Barry runs his hand over his face, finally admitting. "So maybe that's why Nora can't go back to her future because it doesn't exist anymore, because she doesn't exist anymore, because I don't want to have kids anymore. Even worse: what if I get to know her and I like her and I care about her, how can I erase her existence? How can I choose not to have kids with Iris and thereby kill my daughter?" Oliver just looks at Barry stunned. But Barry goes on more agitated.

"But damn it I can't get Iris pregnant just because of the future. Every step in our relationship has been about the future. First, there was the newspaper from the future. And I must admit when I first saw the byline it gave me hope that Iris and I might have future together. But now, I wonder if Iris would have ever dated me if it weren't for that article. It feels like she wanted to marry me because she knew she would marry me. She kept talking about us being destined to be together, but not because of how we feel for each other but because we are married in the future and on another earth… And then, of course, there was Savitar, seeing that version of the future, definitely set me on a wrong path." Barry runs his hands through his hair. "Seeing Iris die, made me so desperate to hold on to her that I proposed and not even a year later, of which I spent six months in the speed force, we got married. And now our daughter from the future shows up. And I don't know what to do anymore, everything is happening so fast. I feel like the future keeps telling us how to live our lives like we don't have a choice. And I know Iris thinks the future is telling us that we're meant to be, but following the future has just lead me to a present where I have serious doubts about that. I would just really want to live my life, the way I want to, not the way the future tells me to." Barry lets out a deep breath, finally getting it all off his chest.

"Wow Barry, I had no idea." Oliver just looks at him, eyes wide. Barry gives his friend a small smile. "I'm sorry Oliver, I didn't want to put all of that on you, it just feels good to finally talk about it. I couldn't say anything about this to anybody here, they are too affected by my choices… I just don't know where to go from here. Either I live a lie or I crush Iris' heart and erase a daughter from existence. Neither are very appealing options."  
"I can't tell you what to do Barry. But I know that you are free to make your own choices. If you don't want to have kids right now, don't. The future will sort itself out. But no matter what, you need to be more honest with Iris, because she needs to know if you're having doubts, even if the truth hurts, it's still better than living a lie… Just maybe don't tell her everything you just said all at once" Oliver chuckles. Barry smiles. "Thanks, Oliver"

A few moments later, Felicity, Diggle, Cisco and Caitlin walk back in, deep in conversation while drinking coffee. Caitlin walks over to them and casually hands Barry a coffee. “Thanks,” Barry smiles, thinking that Cait is always looking out for him. She then goes on to examine Oliver before declaring him fit for duty again. “Finally,” Oliver exclaims and practically jumps out of bed. Barry chuckles as they walk back to the rest of their friends. “Have you asked Felicity, yet?” Barry looks at Caitlin. She shakes her head but then follows Barry’s encouraging nod. “Hey Felicity, could I ask you for a favor?” “Sure thing. What do you need?” “Well, I’m actually trying to track down my father, with no luck. Do you think, you could help me look for him?” Caitlin asks carefully. “Of course” Felicity smiles, “just send me everything you have on him and I’ll get to it.” “Thank you” Caitlin gives her friend a hug, before saying goodbye to Oliver and Diggle as well. “I can flash you back if you want me to” Barry offers. But Diggle holds up his hands. “No thank you, Barry, I like to keep my food in my stomach, please”. Everybody laughs as they wave goodbye to their friends.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It was way more difficult to write Oliver than I thought, I hope it ended up okay ;)


	15. Chapter 15

The rest of the day is spent fighting some everyday crime when Joe’s alarm suddenly goes off. “He’s at the Museum of Antiquities,” Cisco lets Barry know, who rushes there as fast as he can. The police officers are standing around a target, trying to arrest him, but clearly not succeeding. Joe is hiding behind a showcase, holding his gun, trying to find an opening. “What’s going on?” the Flash asks as he joins Joe. But the answer presents itself as the guy standing in the middle of the museum, grabs a vase and throws it at the police. While it is soaring through the air, Barry watches astonished as it multiplies and a hundred vases crash to the floor. This process repeats itself with other antiquities lying around. Seeing all this worth destroyed, the Flash acts quickly and runs towards the metahuman, dodging pots and urns on his way. Barry manages to avoid most of it, only getting hit a few times, and finally arrives next to the metahuman. Before he can realize anything, Barry puts the dampener cuffs on him and flashes off to let the police deal with the arresting part.

 

Entering Starlabs, Barry notices Ralph standing next to Caitlin who’s sitting at the monitor, clearly trying to ignore Ralph, while Cisco’s nowhere to be found. “I’m just saying,” Ralph goes on, “since I can stretch *any* part of myself, the ladies have started to take a particular liking to me and maybe we could test…” “For the love of God”, Caitlin explodes, “stop talking. Just stop talking.” She notices Barry and looks at him with pleading eyes. There’s a gush of wind and Ralph has disappeared. “If I had my powers, I would freeze his parts and then he can see what the ladies would say.” Caitlin huffs, eyes flashing with anger. Barry chuckles. “I can’t wait for that to happen.” “Thanks by the way,” Caitlin adds a little calmer. “No problem,” Barry grins, “it will be a while until he’s back from the edge of town.” Caitlin chuckles. “Where’s Cisco?” he adds. “Off to the speed lab, shouting about a breakthrough.” Caitlin shrugs her shoulders. “About what?” “The dark matter.” “Oh,” Barry says uneasy, possibly putting Caitlin in harm’s way with the dark matter, makes his insides squirm. But before he can say anything else, his phone rings. “Hey, Iris,” he picks up. “Sure, I’ll pick up some pizza on the way home… Yes from Keystone… Yes, I know which one you like. Yes… Bye” He sighs and hangs up. 

 

Later that day, Barry is sitting on the couch in their apartment going over some case files, he took home from work. Iris is sitting at the table, working on her blog, pretty confident that her interview went well. But Barry can’t concentrate on work, his thoughts keep drifting back to his conversation with Oliver. He hadn’t even realized himself how bad things were until it all came spilling out. He looks over at Iris, his best friend… or at least that’s what they had been for over ten years before he became the Flash. After such a long time you don’t just stop calling someone your best friend. Iris had been there for him when he was most vulnerable, no wonder he was so strongly attached to her. But after meeting Cisco and Caitlin, fighting crime with them, going through everything with them by his side, at some point they had become his best friends and Iris… 

 

Barry sighs, Oliver’s right, he needs to talk to her, this isn’t fair to her. He gets up and sits down next to her at the table. “Iris?” She looks up at him. “Look, I know you want me to get to know Nora, but I just can’t do that.” Barry decides to start carefully. Iris closes her laptop and turns towards him. “I don’t understand what’s holding you back, Barry,” she asks a little irritated. 

Barry takes a deep breath. “Do you ever feel, like we got married too fast?” Iris looks at him taken aback. “What the hell are you talking about, Barry Allen?” “It’s just that we only dated a few months before I proposed and we both know that Savitar’s threat propelled me to ask so soon. And then I was in the speed force for six months and when I got out, we just resumed our wedding plans like nothing had happened, like the trauma that got us to that point didn’t matter.” Barry says softly while playing with his wedding ring unsure how to proceed. 

“So, what does this have to do with Nora?” Iris demands coolly. Barry sighs. “Ever since she turned up, you keep hinting at having kids and I just don’t want us to move too fast, we’ve already moved so fast. You have to understand, I just can’t meet her and start caring about her if I’m not sure that I want to have kids, that I want to have her…” Barry looks at her eyes expecting to find worry or pain, but instead, he is met with anger. 

“You always do this to me, Barry!” Iris shouts, “First you tell me you love me and when I reciprocate your feelings, you tell me you can’t do this with me right now.” Barry flinches “I was grieving, I…” But Iris just scoffs and continues. “Then you propose to me and when I’m ready to put the reason for your proposal, Savitar’s threat, behind me and marry you anyway, you throw the proposal back at me, telling me we need some space.”

“You were the one who took off your wedding ring when I was lying in the med bay, broken and scared, you walked away when I needed you.” Barry is surprised at his own anger, never having admitted this even to himself. “Well, you had lied to me!” Iris hissed angrily, “And now what, now that we’re finally married you tell me you don’t want to have kids?” Iris takes a deep breath trying to calm herself. “I don’t understand how you can doubt this, we’re meant to be, everything tells us this.” “That’s exactly the problem,” Barry thinks but still can’t bring himself to say it out loud. Not getting a response, Iris gets up. “I’m going to bed!” and walks off annoyed. Barry puts his face in his hands. “Well that went well,“ he thinks sarcastically.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed. I'll try to include more Snowbarrisco in the next part :)


	16. Part Four

A month later, Barry is about to walk into Starlabs, when he hears a shrieking sound and then Caitlin’s scream. He flashes into the cortex… only to find the whole place decorated for Halloween and his two best friends in the middle of an argument. “Cisco, this is the third time this morning that this horrid witch has scared me!” Caitlin claims irritated and then spotting Barry, adds, “Barry, you need to tell Cisco he can’t decorate the cortex, it’s not safe having cobwebs everywhere and …” But Cisco interrupts her. “Don’t be such a party pooper!” Caitlin gasps. “I am not a party pooper.”

“What is going on, guys?” Barry asks chuckling lightly. “I have had the best idea ever, man,” Cisco explains. Caitlin just scoffs, but can’t really hide a smile seeing her friend talking so excitedly. “We will be having the best Halloween party, here, tonight. As you can see, I’ve already put up decorations, the invitations are ready to go out, I’ll go buy some drinks and then tonight we’ll paaartaayyy.” Cisco beams. “And we have to wear costumes,” Caitlin adds rolling her eyes. 

Barry laughs. “I actually like the idea, but why are we having it in here?” “Dude, because there is no scarier place than a lab, I mean with a few finishing touches, the right lighting, …” “Making a mess of my workplace,” Caitlin interjects sighing. Cisco rolls his eyes at Barry. “Of course Mrs. Everything-is-a-safety-hazard-here is making it really difficult to decorate correctly.” “Your safety is actually my top priority as the team doctor,” Caitlin exclaims indignantly. Barry grins. “How about we leave the decorations up, but not in the doorways or on the floor and we retire the witch for now.” Looking at the figure that keeps shrieking every time someone passes and has caused Caitlin’s scream earlier. Cisco beams, while Caitlin sighs. “Fine, but if I trip in a cobweb one more time…” “I’ll catch you,” Barry promises. “I was going to say, it would be your fault.” Caitlin blushes. “Alright, invitations are sent” Cisco shouts while Barry and Caitlin look at each other smiling.

 

“I’m off to buy the cocktail ingredients,” Cisco announces as he walks out of the cortex. Looking around Barry realizes that he is alone with Caitlin. Though Starlabs has been a lot less crowded recently, being all alone with her is still surprising. He knows he has a lot of work back at the precinct, but it’s impossible for him to leave. Not actually having anything to do, he walks up to Caitlin, watching her analyze his latest test results. After a moment, she looks up to see him staring. 

“What?” she wants to know. “Nothing” he replies quickly. “Anything interesting?” “No, you are perfectly healthy” she smiles. Then goes on. “How are things with Iris?” “What do you mean?” Barry asks taken aback, not thinking Caitlin knew about their problems. 

After his last try to talk to Iris, they had both pretended it never happened and gone back to ‘normal’. Whatever normal was for them these days. Iris hadn’t mentioned their daughter or kids in general and Barry had followed her lead. He knew this wasn’t a good idea but wasn’t ready to start another fight. 

“With her new job?” Caitlin adds. “Oh, it’s actually really good, Iris likes it a lot and she seems more content in general,” Barry explains. Caitlin smiles and nods. “She did seem happier last time I saw her. What about you though? Do you miss working with her?” “God no,” Barry says before he can stop himself. Caitlin raises an eyebrow at him. “Well, I mean… oh, what the heck… honestly, I’m so relieved to have my space again. Having her around all the time, really got on my nerves. I always felt like I had to tiptoe around her feelings and insecurities.” Barry admits. 

“I didn’t know, Barry,” Caitlin says surprised, “I always thought you liked having her here.” Barry scoffs. “So did I for a while, but then again, I think I’ve been living in a place called denial.” He rolls his eyes grinning. Caitlin can’t suppress a laugh. “Maybe I should run some psychological tests as well” she jokes. “Maybe you should do that, Dr. Snow.” Barry grins surprised at how much lighter he feels having admitted this little truth to Caitlin. “I should get to work,” he says after a few moments. “Right”, she agrees, watching him walk out of the cortex touching the top of the doorframe on his way out. She wonders what it means for him and Iris, that he prefers to not have her around here… but quickly banishes the thought and goes back to work herself.

Barry finishes his work faster than usual, feeling more upbeat. It leads him to wonder shortly if maybe he should talk to Caitlin about the rest of his worries, but somehow it feels weird talking to her about his relationship with Iris, more than it used to…

“Hey, Bar,” Joe calls him, “new crime scene.” “I’m right behind you,” Barry grabs his CSI kit and together they head on over. “I want to thank you again for babysitting the other week,” Joe says, “Cecile and I really appreciate it.” “No problem” Barry grins, seeing Joe and Cecile well rested is thanks enough. It turns out to be a pretty simple B and E. Barry collects all the samples he needs, but at first glance, it doesn’t seem to involve a metahuman, so he’s finished pretty quickly.

 

Still having some time before the party tonight, Barry heads back to Starlabs. Cisco is in the middle of rearranging everything for the party. Barry expects Caitlin to interfere with Cisco’s plans, for safety reasons, but instead, she‘s standing next to the board looking at it, biting her lower lip. Concerned, he joins her. 

“What’s up?” Caitlin glances in his direction then points to the board. “Cisco has come up with a plan… to flood me with dark matter.” Barry raises his eyebrows as Caitlin goes on. “He actually asked the council of Wells for help... and it worked. I’ve been going over the data and it seems pretty safe, as safe as it can be considering we’re dealing with dark matter.”  
“Then why are you so worried?” Barry wants to know, feeling very uneasy about this himself. “What if it doesn’t work? What if I can’t get my powers back?” Caitlin sighs.  
“Look, I don’t like the idea of exposing you to dark matter one bit, I just want you to be safe, no matter if you have powers or not. It makes no difference to me” Barry smiles and goes on, “but I also know how much you want this and you will regret not trying it. If it doesn’t work you’re only back to where you are right now and we’ll keep looking for another solution.” Barry puts a hand on her arm, squeezing once. Caitlin nods slowly, he always knew what to say to her. 

They hear a crash and turn to find Cisco buried under chairs. “Help” he moans. Barry flashes over to help him out while Caitlin comes to check if he’s okay. “Nothing’s broken, just a scratch, I’ll get a band-aid.” Caitlin states. “You could have asked for help before trying to lift all these chairs by yourself” Barry scolds him jokingly. “Well, I didn’t want to interrupt a moment” Cisco points out grinning. Barry blushes, but before he can try to deny anything, Caitlin is back with the band-aid.


	17. Chapter 17

A little later, Barry is in their apartment waiting for Iris to be ready to go to Cisco’s epic Halloween party. Just then Iris comes walking down the stairs in a nurse outfit with a really mini miniskirt and a very revealing top. “How do I look?” she asks, twirling around. “Great” Barry grins, “slutty nurse, huh?” Iris scoffs “I was going for sexy nurse.” She is looking over at him in his dark pants and jumper with white ping pong balls attached and a wooden sword in his hand. “What the hell are you supposed to be?” “Orion”, Barry states proudly, “the hunter.” Iris just looks at him dumbfounded. Barry sighs “My favorite star constellation?” Iris smiles “If you say so Barry” and pulls him in for a kiss. “It’s the poster I have hanging over my desk at work.” Barry goes on as they walk out of the apartment. But Iris doesn’t pay attention anymore.

 

They walk into Starlabs which Cisco has expertly decorated, giving it a nice spooky atmosphere. Joe, Cecile and Wally (who is apparently back from another time mission) are standing in one corner, chatting, while Cisco and Ralph are next to the drinks clearly arguing over the right amount of alcohol. Cisco is dressed as Spock, while Ralph is walking around topless as a wrestler. Barry rolls his eyes at him and is about to join them, Iris having left to talk to her family, when he hears footsteps behind him. 

He turns to see Caitlin walk in, self-consciously tucking at her cat ears. She is wearing her Killerfrost outfit without the blue jacket, her skintight black pants and long-sleeved T-shirt with her high heeled boots. The ears in her hair and drawn whiskers on her face, clearly marking the costume as a cat.  
Barry couldn’t help but stare at her, not being used to Caitlin looking this… sexy. He gulps and stammers. “Wow, you… you look… just… wow.” Caitlin blushes deeply. “Courtesy of Killerfrost.” She smiles and looks at Barry. ”Oh Orion, the hunter. Nice costume idea.” Barry grins “At least somebody gets it. How about some drinks?” Caitlin nods and they walk towards Cisco and Ralph.

They have a great time just talking and laughing. But every time Ralph’s stare lingers on Caitlin’s body, Barry feels the urgent need to hit him. Although he has a hard time not staring himself. After a while, Cisco cranks up the music and they all start dancing. Caitlin and Barry keep looking at each other, trying not to laugh at Cisco’s dance moves. They sing and dance and have a really good time. Iris is starting to get really tipsy, having taken a liking to Cisco’s punch. Even Caitlin lets loose a little and jumps with them on the dancefloor singing the lines of the songs. It really warms Barry’s heart to see her like that, Cait laughing, having fun is the best thing in the world to him.  
Suddenly, Caitlin’s heel gets caught in a cobweb, which has fallen to the floor, and she stumbles and falls back. Swiftly, Barry flashes to her and catches her in his arms, before she can hit the ground. “Thanks, Barry” she smiles embarrassed. “I did promise” he grins and Caitlin starts to laugh. He lifts her back up, his hands lingering just a moment longer than necessary on her back. 

 

At some point, the party starts breaking up and Barry takes Iris home, who has clearly gone from tipsy to drunk. “I really like Cisco’s punch,” she says slurring her words. “I can tell,” Barry sighs, helping her up the stairs. “You know, Barry, now that your wife is a nurse, maybe I should examine you…” Iris says trying to sound seducing. Barry winces, thinking that only one person who is allowed to examine him, is his personal physician. That thought, and seeing Iris fumble with her clothes, brings back memories of a drunk Caitlin. He smiles fondly remembering how she had still worried about his wellbeing, his happiness. She had been so vulnerable and unguarded, wanting him to stay with her till she was asleep. It had definitely been one of the best nights of his life.  
Iris’s hands on his pants bring him back to reality, he steps back. “Maybe you should just get some sleep,” he says, helping her under the covers. Thankfully, she falls asleep immediately, while it takes Barry a long time to calm his thoughts and go to sleep.


	18. Chapter 18

The next day, Barry goes to Starlabs before work, knowing that they will try the dark matter experiment today. He’s very anxious about it and can’t stop thinking about everything that could go wrong, but he knows how important it is for Caitlin and he will be there for her and support her. But as he walks in, Caitlin isn’t there yet. Surprised, he looks at Cisco who is getting everything ready. “Where’s Caitlin?” “Don’t know, she’s not here yet.” Cisco shrugs. “Weird, she’s usually the first one here and today…” Barry trails off. “Well, I guess I’ll get to work, text me the moment she arrives.” Cisco nods as Barry leaves.

At work, Barry tries to concentrate, but can’t help checking his phone every few minutes. “Don’t be such a worrywart,” he tells himself, “I’m sure Cisco just forgot to text right away.” Still, after half an hour, he gives up all pretenses and calls Caitlin. No answer. He calls Cisco. “No, Barry, she’s still not here yet, have you tried calling her?” “Yes, but she isn’t picking up,” Barry says, his voice filled with worry. “I’ll go check on her” he decides and hangs up.

He flashes to her apartment only to find her door ajar. He feels like someone punched him in the gut. Slowly he opens the door. “Cait?” Nothing. Usually, Caitlin’s place was immaculate, but this time it was a mess, broken stuff lying on the floor. Having trouble breathing, Barry flashes through the apartment, but no sign of Caitlin. His head reeling, he tries to focus. “I’m a CSI, I can do this. So clearly there was a struggle…” Pictures of somebody dragging Caitlin kicking and screaming, come to his mind. He clutches his stomach. Takes a deep breath. “Concentrate….for Cait.”

 

He notifies Cisco and Joe who arrive a little later. Barry has tried to analyze the scene and take samples, but all he wants to do is run through the whole city to find her. But he knows that wouldn’t be the most efficient way, they need a clue. “Bar, don’t worry, we’ll find her” Joe tries to comfort him. Barry, his hand on his forehead, nods. “I’m sure she is alright, man,” Cisco adds but can’t hide the worry in his own voice. Except nothing can stop the pictures his anxious mind conjures up of Caitlin…not fine… He shakes his head. “I need to get these to the lab”.

Barry has never worked this fast in his life before, hoping that every new sample will finally give him a clue. He has to focus so his hands don’t shake, his thoughts don’t drift off. ‘Don’t come for me, stay away’ echoes through his head, she has always put his safety first. Images of her after she had been kidnapped by Zoom, swim before his eyes. She had been so fragile, so broken ‘He told me you were dead.’ Again his safety had been more important to her. He needs to get her back, hold her in his arms …

“Barry” Cisco breaches in and hands him a screen, “This just arrived.” “Hello Flash,” on the screen an image of a young woman appears, hair pulled back, crazy look in her eyes, though she seems familiar, “if you want Caitlin Snow to be returned unharmed, you better hand yourself over to me. I want to see you, dampener cuffs on, in the park next to the statue of the old mayor in an hour or Caitlin Snow dies.” the video cuts out. 

“No, not again!” Time stills as Barry clutches his stomach trying to regulate his breathing. “Why, Cisco?” Cisco looks up at him confused. “Why do they always take Caitlin?” Barry asks desperation in his voice. “I guess villains have a knack of finding your weakness…your real weakness.” Cisco elaborates. Barry looks at him confused but now is not the time to figure out what he means by that. “We need to find her!” Barry points out, “run facial recognition on this woman. She seems familiar.” 

 

A few moments later, they’re back at Starlabs, the computer searching all databases when Iris walks in. “What’s up?” she asks. “Caitlin’s been kidnapped,” Barry responds in a drained voice. “Again?” Iris demands incredulously. Barry’s head whips in her direction. “Why didn’t you call me?” Iris wonders more gently. “Why would I?” Barry wants to know startled. Iris looks at him for a moment. “Can we talk?” Barry follows her reluctantly in the hallway and looks at her expectantly, his feet itching to go back to the monitors, itching to run around to find Caitlin, itching to do anything to help… 

“Barry, lately things between us really haven’t been great and I’ve been thinking, maybe we should have a real date night again, just the two of us, I think…” But Barry interrupts her “Are you kidding me right now?” Trying really hard not to raise his voice… too much. “Caitlin’s life is in danger and you want to talk about us? Again?” “It’s not like you can do anything right now, you were just waiting, right, and our relationship is important…” but Iris trails of seeing the anger in Barry’s eyes. “You are unbelievable!” Barry turns on his heels and walks back into the cortex.

Just as he enters, a green light flashes over the screens, a match. “Maxime Mardon… Mardon?! Are you telling me the Mardon brothers have a sister?” Barry asks stunned. “Apparently” Cisco replies, “and it seems she has been spending some time behind bars in Keystone.” “And now she wants revenge for her brothers” Barry takes a deep breath. “Okay, what do we know about her, how can we find her?” “I’m using facial recognition to see where she has been the last few days, credit card statements…” Cisco explains, but Barry takes over, speed reading through all the information the computer provides. “She’s been spending a lot of time down at the docks,” Barry says as he takes his suit and flashes off.


	19. Chapter 19

Running at super speed, Barry looks through every inch of the docks, until he finally finds them. They are locked in a warehouse, Caitlin’s sitting on a chair, gagged and bound, her head slumped forward, clearly unconscious. Maxime Mardon is holding a gun, walking up and down, checking her watch. Knowing that she hadn’t been in Central City when the particle accelerator exploded, Barry feels sure that she is just human. But remembering Snart’s booby trap when he had held Caitlin hostage, Barry takes his time to case every inch of his surroundings, even though every molecule in his body just wants to run to Caitlin and hold her. 

When he’s made sure that there are no traps, he flashes the gun away from Maxime, knocks her out and puts cuffs on her. Then he can finally look after Caitlin. He takes off her gag and unties the ropes, carefully touching her face. “Cait? Can you hear me? Cait?” he asks gently. Her eyes flutter, opening ever so slowly. “Barry?” her voice is just a hopeful whisper. Relief floods through Barry. “I’ve got you” he breathes and takes her in his arms. Caitlin just sighs, her head resting on his shoulders, eyes closed again. She feels safe.

 

When she next wakes up, she is lying in the med bay in Starlabs, Barry is sitting next to her, holding her hand. The moment she stirs, he looks up and his face breaks into a smile. “How are you feeling?” he asks gently. She takes a moment to take a mental inventory, then she nods “Good, tired, but good” He hands her a glass of water, which she drinks eagerly. “Thanks.” “Of course” he smiles, tenderly brushing her hair back. “And thanks for saving me” she adds. “Anytime” he grins. 

After a moment, she looks around. “Where is everyone?” “They went home. It’s pretty late, you were out for a while.” She looks at him, glad that he had stayed behind. “Yeah, she gave me some kind of tranquilizer.” Caitlin’s eyes glaze over. “What’s wrong?” Barry asks, worried again. She looks at him and smiles a little. “Nothing, I just wish I had my powers back, then I could have defended myself…” “You shouldn’t have had to defend yourself. I should have been there.” Barry sighs. Caitlin shakes her head. “It’s not your fault. She broke into my home, you couldn’t have foreseen that.” “I guess,” Barry replies though unconvinced.

After a while, Barry asks softly, “so you still want to go through with the dark matter experiment?” while putting his hand on hers. She squeezes his hand, knowing how worried he is for her. “Yeah, I mean before I knew I had powers, I never felt like I needed them, but after getting used to them, it made me feel powerful in a different kind of way. And now, after losing them, I just feel twice as powerless and I don’t like that feeling” she explains. Barry nods “I understand that, once you’ve lived with powers, it’s nearly impossible to go back, I know. But maybe you should hold off a few days until you’re back at full strength” he smiles. She wants to protest, but just talking is already draining her energy. Seeing her eyelids start to drop again, Barry goes on. “Maybe you should get some more sleep.” Caitlin yawns and nods, falling asleep easily, sensing Barry’s hand in hers.


	20. Chapter 20

The next morning, a noise wakes Barry, he looks up, but Caitlin is still lying in bed, fast asleep, then he spots Cisco walking into the cortex. Barry gets up and closes the door to the med bay, so Caitlin won’t be disturbed. He positions himself next to the window, not wanting to leave her out of his sight. Cisco joins him. “How is she doing?” he asks. “Better” Barry nods, “though clearly drained, since she only woke up once, but apart from that she seems fine.”  
“How are you doing?” Cisco wants to know.  
“Maybe we should put a tracker in her” Barry says only half joking, instead of an answer. Cisco, sensing the truth behind his friend’s joke, replies. “I don’t think she would agree to that.” Barry sighs. “I know. I just want her safe.” “I understand,” Cisco says quietly. 

Barry looks over at his friend. “What did you mean, yesterday, when you said she was my real weakness?” Cisco frowns, unsure of what to say. “I just meant Caitlin has been kidnapped a lot. Isn’t it usually the superhero’s love interest that gets kidnapped.” He looks at Barry carefully, he’s pretty sure that there is more between his friends than just friendship, but what exactly it was…  
“Iris has been kidnaped as well” Barry reasons. Cisco chuckles “Yeah, but she kind of has to ask for it.” Barry looks at him confused. Seeing his look, Cisco elaborates. “You know, like with Samuroid, she had to go up to him and tell him to kidnap her.” “She did what?” Barry demands dumbstruck. Cisco frowns. “I thought you knew, she went up to Samuroid and told him to take her, the Flash would come for her.” Barry starts to laugh, knowing it wasn’t really funny. “Well that was incredibly stupid” he keeps chuckling, shaking his head “I can’t believe that worked out.” Cisco grins. “I know, it was surreal.”

A little later, Caitlin wakes up, as good as new, and even though Barry and Cisco try their best, they can’t persuade her not to get right back to work

 

Later Barry goes to the CCPD, very unwilling to leave his friends, but aware of how much work is waiting for him. At lunch, Iris comes over with some Chinese. Having talked to Joe about her recent fights with Barry, she has decided on a new approach.  
“Barry, I feel like you’ve been avoiding me” Iris begins. Barry looks at her, feeling guilty because she isn’t entirely wrong. “How are we supposed to be there for each other, when you’re not letting me in?” Iris goes on. “You didn’t call me when Caitlin was kidnapped, you stayed out all night without telling me, you don’t check in with me anymore. I feel like a second character in your life.” 

Barry takes a breath trying to find the right words to convey his feelings without hurting her. “You’re right,” he admits, “but you have to understand that helping people, saving this city, will always come first for me. The moment I became the Flash my priorities shifted.” “I get that Barry, but you don’t have to shoulder that alone, don’t forget *we* are the Flash.” Barry sighs annoyed.  
“No, you don’t get it, Iris, we aren’t the Flash, I am! Of course, I know I have the support of the team and I’ll always prefer making decisions as a team. But sometimes there is no time for that. In the end, I’m the one out there in the suit, making the choices, acting on them and I’m the one who needs to live with the consequences of these choices.” Barry tries to explain.  
“I understand that Barry, but the moment I became your wife, your choices became my choices and…” Iris replies.  
“No, see, you don’t understand“ Barry continues exasperated, “you never have. As the Flash, the safety of this city is my responsibility. I need to be a hero first and your husband second.”  
“I do understand that, but…” Iris interjects.  
“But you don’t”, Barry goes on more agitated, “like when I had to go into the speed force, there wasn’t time, the city was about to be destroyed, I had to make a choice. But later you threw that at my face, saying I left you!”  
“Well, you did leave me” Iris argues raising her voice, “you left me standing there alone.”  
Barry rolls his eyes. “But you weren’t alone, were you? You were surrounded by your family. But I was alone, for six months. And I thought you were the one person who would understand my decision. But you didn’t and on top of it, you brought it up in a moment where we couldn’t even speak freely.” Barry runs his hand through his hair. “I know I pretended that it wasn’t a big deal back then and I’m sorry, I should have been more honest about my feelings and that’s on me. It’s just really difficult for me to talk to you. I mean I’ve been trying lately but we always end up fighting, never resolving anything.” “You’re right Barry”, Iris hisses, “fighting doesn’t resolve anything” and walks out. “That’s not what I meant,” Barry says quietly, shaking his head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m sorry if it feels like I’m airing all my grievances about Iris, but they needed an outlet :) More Snowbarry coming soon.


	21. Part Five

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to finish and post this part a little quicker, before I watch the season 5 promo and start being influenced by it, hopefully, I didn't overlook too many mistakes :)

A few days later, they are ready to try the dark matter experiment. Barry enters the speed lab, as Cisco’s putting the finishing touches to his tech. Caitlin’s standing in the middle of the room, hugging herself, while shifting her weight from one foot to the other. Barry walks up to her and puts his hands on her shoulders. “Relax, you’ll be alright” he smiles encouragingly while trying to hide his own uneasiness. Caitlin returns his smile, feeling a little better at his touch, then she notices the dark rings under his eyes. “Are you alright? You don’t seem very well rested?” she asks worriedly. “I haven’t been sleeping well lately,“ Barry admits.  
His nights have been filled with nightmares about Caitlin, kidnapped, hurt, shot, bleeding, even dead. Pictures he found very hard to shake even during the day. Sometimes Iris was in them as well, shouting at him to pay attention to her, while he was trying to save Caitlin.  
But not wanting to let her know about his dreams nor wanting to worry her, Barry quickly adds. “But this is about you. Are you sure you’re up for this?” She gives him a curious glance but decides not to press the matter for now. She nods.  
“Ready?” Cisco demands. Barry gives Caitlin a quick hug, hoping to convey comfort and encouragement, then steps to the side to let Cisco start the experiment. He can tell that Caitlin is nervous but not scared, Cisco seems excited and hopeful, while Barry has to try really hard to swallow his worry and not rush forward to protect Caitlin from the dark matter beam.

Cisco’s tech is emitting a ray of light, that envelops Caitlin. At first, everything seems fine, but then Caitlin starts shaking visibly while the light begins to give off crackling electricity. “Cisco stop!” Barry yells concerned. The moment the light disappears, Caitlin starts falling backwards unmoving. Barry is next to her in an instant, catching her before she can hit the ground. “Cait? Cait?” Barry says urgently while shaking her gently, but no reaction. His heart nearly stopping, he checks her pulse… there, very faint, but a pulse, he can breathe again.  
He stands up, holding her close to his chest, as Cisco rushes over to check on her. “She’s alive” Barry reassures him with a heavy voice. Though she was alive, she has never felt so light, so fragile in his arms. 

Carefully they take her to the med bay and Cisco starts placing sensors and runs a computer program. “What’s this? Shouldn’t we take her to a hospital?” Barry inquires, trying to keep calm. “Hospitals aren’t really equipped to handle dark matter problems”, Cisco explains, “Caitlin programmed this beforehand, to run a diagnosis in case something happened to her.” Barry looks at Cisco. “Why didn’t you tell me about this?” “Because Caitlin thought you wouldn’t let her go through with it if you knew about these contingency plans.” Barry smiles grimly, how right she was. Though a part of him admires how she always thinks ahead and takes precautions. 

At that moment, the computer gives them the results of the analysis: apparently Caitlin’s immune system has taken quite a hit, nearly depleting her white cell level count. Barry reads through all the information and quickly researches her symptoms on the net. Together with Cisco, they come to the conclusion, that she basically needs a lot of rest. But there isn’t anything else they can do for her right now. 

 

After a few hours, her pulse has become a little stronger, giving Barry hope that they are making the right decision to just let her sleep. Though Barry is used to running, the motion usually helping him regain his calm and clear his thoughts, at this moment it seems physically impossible for him to move, he’s rooted to this spot, next to Caitlin, his hand on hers. Cisco has notified the rest of the team as well as Wally, knowing that the city might need Kid Flash soon, as the Flash hasn’t moved an inch in hours. Joe comes by with some coffees, checking in on Caitlin, saying a few comforting words, but he can’t stay long since Jenna is sick and he’s needed at home. A little later Iris walks in and tries to talk to Barry, but only receiving monosyllabic answers, she eventually gives up and goes back to work. It isn’t until that evening, when Caitlin finally opens her eyes slowly, that Barry moves a muscle.

 

As she opens her eyes, her gaze falls on Barry, seeing so much worry in his face that it makes her heart bleed. Needing to take away some of his pain, she tries to joke. “I’ve gotten used to being on the other side of this situation.” The corners of Barry’s lips rise ever so slightly. “Me too. How are you feeling?” he asks gently. “Okay”, she says slowly, even speaking takes a lot out of her. Noticing that she wants to lift her head, but can’t manage it yet, Barry props another pillow behind her. “Thanks” she breathes softly. “What happened?” “I don’t know, you suddenly started shaking and fell unconscious. Cisco has been trying to figure out what went wrong the whole day, with no luck. The computer diagnosed that your immune system had been hit, so we decided on a lot of rest.” Caitlin nods. “Let me see.” Barry takes the results and holds them close to her face, knowing she can’t hold them by herself yet. She frowns as she reads through it but gives him a gentle smile as she finishes. “You were right, I will need rest, a lot of it.” She sighs and closes her eyes again.

“Cait” Barry begins slowly, knowing she is still awake, “you knew how high the risks were if you took all these safety measures.” Caitlin opens one eye, looking at him guiltily. “I’m not mad or anything,“ he quickly adds, “it’s just, taking such a risk… I just… I want you to be safe… I need you to be safe.” His voice breaks. Realizing his hand is back on hers, she takes all her strength and turns her hand and squeezes his. “I had to do it, Barry.” He nods, eyes still filled with pain, but also a small smile on his lips. “I guess I now know what it’s like to be in your shoes.” “Seeing you run headfirst into danger, waiting by your bedside for you to wake up, is definitely not my favorite part of the job” she jokes. They just smile at each other, feeling peaceful at that moment, knowing exactly what the other is going through but also understanding exactly why they do what they do.


	22. Chapter 22

The next morning, Caitlin is already feeling a little stronger, sitting up on her own and eating some breakfast. During the night, she had woken up only once, still dazed from sleep, unsure where she was, she had spotted Barry sleeping in a chair next to her bed, his presence had comforted her enough to quickly fall asleep again. She didn’t see him tossing and turning from his nightmares, now with added pictures of her shaking body, falling lifelessly to the floor.  
Only after Cisco has arrived and Caitlin has eaten something, does Barry flash home to change and take a shower. Only to come back and resume his place next to Caitlin’s bedside.

“What about your work?” Caitlin asks exasperatedly. “I took a sick day, don’t worry about it” Barry reassures her. She scoffs. “You know, you will need those when the next villain keeps us occupied.” “Ever the optimist, Dr. Snow” Barry chuckles. She rolls her eyes but gives up trying to convince him to go to work. Truth be told, she is very happy to have him here, by her side.  
With Barry’s help, Caitlin manages to run a few more tests on herself. “It’s like my body fought the dark matter” she muses pensively, “there is still no trace of dark matter in me, but the effort to resist the dark matter has taken a toll on me. Compared to yesterday, my body is healing, but only slowly.” “How is that possible?” Barry wonders. “No idea,” Caitlin admits. Together with Cisco, they try to come up with some theories, but nothing concrete comes of it. Fortunately, crime is pretty low that day, so that Ralph is able to deal with it on his own since Barry is still refusing to leave Caitlin’s side. 

 

Joe comes by again in the afternoon, checking on Caitlin. “I’m glad you’re alright” he smiles after seeing her. “Thank you for checking in, Joe, I really appreciate it” she smiles. “Of course.” Something in Joe’s eyes is worrying her though.  
“What’s going on?” “Nothing,” Joe replies unconvincingly. “Joe, tell us, what’s going on?” Barry demands. “Nothing you need to worry about” Joe starts, but seeing the looks on Barry and Caitlin’s faces, he gives in, “it’s just that Jenna is still pretty sick. We’ve tried everything the doctors told us, but she isn’t improving. I’m just worried, that’s all.” Alarmed Barry looks at Joe. “Why didn’t you tell me?” “I didn’t think it was that bad and then you had a lot on your own mind” Joe replies glancing at Caitlin, who is at that moment trying to get out of bed. Still weak, she stumbles before Barry catches her. “What do you think you’re doing?” he asks concerned. “I need to see Jenna, obviously.” She groans while clutching Barry’s arms. “You’re not going anywhere,” Barry replies grimly and helps her back into bed. “Then bring her here, Joe, I’ll take a look at her. Maybe there’s something I can do.” Caitlin offers. Joe looks at Barry, uncertain, but Barry nods resigned. Joe thanks them and heads out.  
“Cait, you know how dangerous this is, right? Your immune system is low and Jenna’s sick.” “I’m not going to let a baby suffer if there’s even a chance I can do something about it.” She huffs. Barry can’t help but smile proudly at her resolve. “Fine, but we’re taking precautions.” 

 

“I look like I’m ready for a space mission” Caitlin sighs annoyed. Barry and Cisco have forced her into a contamination suit, with so many protective layers, she can barely move. Together they ease her into a wheelchair as Joe comes in with Cecile holding Jenna. Working slowly, hindered by the suit and her own fatigue, Caitlin runs some tests and reads through the notes of the previous doctor. In the end, she addresses Joe and Cecile. “It’s really good you came to a geneticist. The bad news is, Jenna has a very rare disease that is difficult to diagnose. But the good news is, because we found it this early, it’s completely treatable.” Her explanation is greeted with relief. Caitlin goes over the details with them before they leave thanking her over and over again. Completely exhausted, Barry and Cisco help her out of the suit and back into bed, where she falls asleep pretty quickly. 

 

“I think I need to talk to Barry.“ Joe sighs as he’s driving Cecile and Jenna home. “Why?” Cecile wonders. “Because I think his marriage is in serious trouble. Iris told me they are fighting a lot and she feels like Barry is ignoring her and now he just spent twenty-four hours not leaving Caitlin’s side.” Joe explains. Cecile looks over at Joe, unsure if she should voice her concern.  
“Joe, you know I love Iris, but I’m not sure that Barry is to blame here. His friend’s life was in danger, of course, he’s going to be there, but why wasn’t Iris around as well to support him through it.” Joe looks at her surprised. “Clearly, Caitlin’s more than just a friend to him, if he doesn’t leave her side at all, no wonder Iris doesn’t want to be around that” he argues.  
“Maybe”, Cecile sighs, “and I do think Barry’s feelings for Caitlin have always been deeper than just friends, that has never changed. But neither one of them has ever acted on it, so maybe we’re mistaken. In any case, they’re not doing anything wrong.” Joe scoffs. “I still need to talk to that boy. This is not normal.”  
“Hmm, I just think that if Barry and Iris are having problems, they need to learn to communicate better. I don’t think you would do them a favor by getting involved.”  
“But I’m their father” Joe huffs. Cecile cringes, she loves Joe with all of her heart, but she never understood how he can think of both of them as his kids and still want them together. “And if they come to you for advice, you should give it, but don’t go talking to Barry on Iris’ behalf, that’s not your job.” Cecile presses on. 

They are silent for a moment, before Joe sighs. “I just want them to be happy, you know.” “I do” Cecile smiles, but goes on after a moment of hesitation, “but you don’t get to decide what happy looks for them.” Joe frowns. “What do you mean?” Cecile takes a deep breath, steeling herself. “I’m just not sure they were truly happy together, ever.” “What?” Joe yelps aghast.  
“Let me explain” Cecile pleads, “I know they seemed happy and I think they believed that they were and I never felt it was my place to say anything, but if I'm being honest I never thought they had a good relationship. I don’t think they bring out the best in each other. Barry’s obsession with Iris has left a lot of pain in his wake as he struggles to be the man Iris’s wants him to be, but I don’t think you should have to change yourself in order to be with someone who loves you. And honestly, Iris has completely lost her own identity, defining herself as the wife of Barry Allen and/or the wife of the Flash. For God’s sake, her bachelorette party consisted of Caitlin and Felicity, both friends of Barry, and me, her father’s girlfriend.” Taking a calming breath, she goes on. “Look, Joe, I know, you want them to be happy, but if they ever decide that maybe their happiness isn’t contingent on their being together, you need to be okay with that, you need to accept it. You can’t force them to be happy together.”  
Cecile’s holding her breath, waiting for Joe’s reaction, when to her surprise he starts chuckling. “How long have you been keeping this in?” “A while” she laughs, blowing out her breath. “Well, you’ve certainly given me some things to think about,” Joe admits, his mind going over a lot of things with a new perspective.


	23. Chapter 23

Caitlin wakes up in the late afternoon, only to find Barry yet again watching over her sleeping. She feels a lot better and actually tries to take a few steps, but it still takes a lot out of her. She lets out a huff of air, annoyed. “Are we frustrated with our progress, Dr. Snow?” Barry teases her. “I wish I still had my fast healing capabilities” she sighs. “It is a very useful power” Barry grins, while Caitlin rolls her eyes, smiling. “It’s only been a day, you need to give yourself time to recover,” Barry says gently. “It’s been over a day” she groans, “and I can’t even walk more than a few steps on my own.” Though readily accepting Barry’s support to walk back to the bed again. “I just want to go home and sleep in my own bed” she laments.  
There’s a rush of wind and before she knows what happened she’s standing in her apartment. “What the what?” Startled she looks at Barry, who can’t contain a grin. “You said you wanted to be at home, so voila.”

“Yeah, but…” Caitlin starts confused. “What?” Barry looks at her worried he might have done something stupid, “You don’t need the equipment in Starlabs, do you? I mean I can flash us back or the equipment here or…” But Caitlin holds up her hand. “No, no…it’s just I don’t think I can manage on my own.” She admits sheepishly. “What gave you the impression you were on your own?” Barry grins relieved, helping her sit down on her couch. “I’m not leaving your side, Cait” he promises, looking into her eyes.  
“I can’t ask you to do that, Barry” she replies, shaking her head. “You don’t have to ask” he smiles at her. “But what about Iris?” she asks hesitantly. It’s not that she doesn’t want him to stay, because she does. But she also knows he’s married and he has already spent last night by her bed, she can’t let him do that again. “Don’t worry about her” he assures her.  
“But you really don’t have to do this, Barry, I mean I can ask Cisco to…” Caitlin trails off as Barry sits down next to her. “Cait, if you actually want me to leave, I’ll go. But if this is just about your issues with letting people help you, then you’re just going to have to get over them. Because I’m going to stay, help you and be here for you for as long as you need. Understood?” Caitlin just nods, blinking away some tears that welled up at his words. “Good” Barry grins and gets up, “so what do you want for dinner?”

“I don’t know, I think I might actually prefer a shower first” Caitlin admits. Barry laughs as he helps her walk to the bathroom. “Are you sure you’re going to be alright in there?” he asks a little awkwardly. She nods “Yeah, just hand me those clothes over there, will you?” He retrieves them for her. “Just shout if you need anything.” He smiles while closing the bathroom door behind her. 

 

Showered and in fresh clothes, Caitlin feels very comfortable on her couch. She is drinking some wine, Barry had poured them, before he had flashed off to get some takeout. She’s just starting to wonder what is taking him so long when he enters with bags of food. Delicious smells flood her nose. “Wait, is that…” she starts spotting the emblem on the containers. “…from your favorite restaurant in your hometown?” Barry finishes grinning proudly, “I thought you might want some comfort food.” “Thanks, Barry, I really appreciate it” she smiles, happy that he seems to always remember these things about her.  
While Barry unpacks the food, he steals little glances at Caitlin on the couch, in her dark leggings and comfortable white sweater, she looks particularly pretty. Suppressing his sudden urge to wrap his arms around her, he readies the food on their plates. Caitlin gets up and walks toward the kitchen counter, swaying a little. “Maybe I should have waited with the wine until I have some food in me” she jokes, as she sits down. Together they tuck in, conversation flowing easily between them. 

 

After dinner, Caitlin gets up to clean the plates, but Barry quickly super speeds around the kitchen until everything is tidy again. “No overexertion, Dr. Snow” he grins. Caitlin can’t suppress a laugh, seeing Barry this upbeat, feels good, even though she can still see the rings under his eyes, a clear sign of lack of sleep. Guilt tucks at her heart, knowing that he didn’t sleep in his bed because of her.  
“Are you tired or should we watch a movie or something?” Barry asks. She feels pretty beat, but can’t pass up the opportunity, so she agrees to a movie. She sits down on the couch, going through their choices on Netflix, as Barry is still busying himself in the kitchen. When he joins her on the couch, sitting down quite close to her, he hands her a mug of hot chocolate. She takes it greedily, enjoying the warm feeling of the mug in her hands. Curling up on the couch, their shoulders touching as they start the movie. 

After setting down the now empty mug, Caitlin folds her hands in her sweater, knees tucked to her chin. Noticing this, Barry asks. “Hey, you cold?” “A little” Caitlin admits. He reaches over to his side of the couch and tugs on the neatly folded blanket, he then drapes it around her, while also putting his arm around her shoulder. Now leaning against Barry’s side, her head resting on his collarbone, Caitlin feels very safe and content. A little part of her knows that this is probably not a good idea, but the wine from dinner still lowering her inhibitions as well as her growing sleepiness overshadow her conscience.

An hour later, Caitlin’s falling asleep during the movie. “Cait?” Barry asks softly, “maybe we should put you in bed.” “No, I wanna watch the movie” Caitlin mumbles sleepily. Barry chuckles lightly. “Your eyes are closed.” Caitlin just makes a noncommitting sound. “Did you discover your powers of seeing with your eyes closed?” Barry teases her gently. Caitlin yawns. “I can still hear the movie.” “I’m sure you can” Barry laughs softly while putting his arm under her knees and gently lifting her up. 

He walks to her bedroom and gently puts her down on her bed, then covers her with her blanket. He sits down next to her, pushing some hair strands out of her face. “Get some sleep, Cait” he whispers.  
“You shouldn’t be doing this” Caitlin mumbles half asleep. “Do what?” Barry asks surprised. “Be here with me” Caitlin goes on. Her words cut so much deeper than they should. Doesn’t she want him here? He thought she did, they had a nice evening, she seemed happy... he has finally felt like himself again, being there for her, has been so soothing for his soul…  
“You should be with Iris” she adds softly, tugging the blanket closer to her face. Relieved to hear her reasoning, Barry puts his hand on hers. “I’m exactly where I should be, trust me” he smiles. “Always” she whispers, before completely falling asleep. 

Barry stays by her bedside a little while longer, watching her sleep, always makes him feel peaceful. She has been through so much, yet she is still his Caitlin, nothing had managed to eclipse her big heart or dim her fierceness. She’s so smart, brave and independent, but also so soft and caring. He doesn’t know what he has done to deserve such a good person in his life. Giving her hand another squeeze, he finally gets up to leave her room. But by the time he is at the door, Caitlin has started tossing and turning in her sleep. He quickly walks back over, gently rubbing her back, until she is in a deep sleep once more. Sighing he gets up again, only to find her become restless once more. So he decides to lie down next to her on the bed, his hand holding hers. The warmth of his touch is enough to let her sleep peacefully through the night.


	24. Chapter 24

The next morning, Barry wakes up as the first rays of sun enter Caitlin’s room. He is still lying on her bed, but unlike before, she is tightly snuggled against his chest, his arms resting on top of her. He doesn’t know what surprises him more, their intimate position, that somehow feels just right, or the fact that he has slept through the night without a single nightmare. But unsure how Caitlin would feel about this situation, he carefully unwraps himself and gets up. She stirs for a moment but doesn’t wake up yet. So, he decides to flash home to get a change of clothes. Moving in Flashtime, so he doesn’t wake Iris or at least that is what he tells himself, he showers and changes and is back in Caitlin’s apartment in no time at all. Checking that she is still sleeping, he decides to make breakfast.

 

Caitlin wakes up from a delicious smell waving in her room, she blinks slowly, trying to chase the sleep from her eyes. She finds herself turned towards the empty side of her bed, which is very rare for her. Surprised she discovers that the sheets are rumbled on that side as well. Burying her nose in the blanket, she is met by a familiar scent. Barry’s scent. She blushes, realizing that he must have at least spent part of the night in her bed. And based on the noises and smells, is now making breakfast in her kitchen.

The situation is surreal, but not wanting to dwell deeper on her feelings about it, she gets up and walks in the kitchen. “Good morning” she greets him, unable to stifle a yawn. “Good morning” he replies beaming at her, “Coffee?” She nods, taking the extended mug and sitting down. “How did you sleep?” he asks. “Good” she replies carefully, “You?” “What? Oh yeah…good…yeah” Barry answers blushing, only confirming Caitlin’s suspicions.  
Not wanting this to become a weird thing between them, she simply states. “So you slept in my bed.” Nearly dropping the plate with pancakes, Barry turns to her. “I …well... I … I’m sorry, Cait. I know that was probably a mistake, but you were only sleeping well when I was next to you, so I decided to lie down for a few minutes until you were fast asleep and somehow I ended up asleep and… I mean… we were both dressed…it wasn’t…” he stops when he sees her laughing. “What?” he demands. “You’re cute when you’re flustered, Mr. Allen” she smiles, “I’m fine, trust me. I actually haven’t slept this well in a long time” she confesses, now blushing in turn. “Me neither” he admits smiling brightly again and she notices how the rings under his eyes have vanished, a sight that warms her heart.

 

“So about today” Barry begins, “I thought I could take another sick day and…” but he was interrupted by Caitlin. “Oh no, you will not be taking another sick day for my benefit. I already feel way better.” Barry looks unconvinced, even though she was, in fact, better, he has still noticed the signs of fatigue etched in her figures. “Well you still need to rest and I won’t leave you alone, so…” Barry simply states but is yet again interrupted. “So you just have to take me with you to work” Caitlin beams. “What?” Barry asks taken aback. “Honestly Barry, I can’t spend another day in a bed or on a couch, I’m going stir-crazy. And since you need to go to work, no discussion, and you don’t want to leave me alone, I will just come with you to CCPD, I’m sure you can find me a comfy chair to sit in.” She grins proudly of her idea. Barry sighs, but can’t help but smile. “As you wish.”

 

Having Caitlin at work turns out to be a lot of fun. Usually, Barry likes to do his work alone, it’s easier to concentrate, but then he never had anybody be as genuinely interested in his work as Caitlin is right now. Explaining what he’s doing to a captive audience, gives him a feeling of self-worth he realizes he’s been sincerely lacking. Caitlin asks the right questions and is able to follow his explanations, she eventually ends up actually helping him work. She’d take notes, while he does the experiments or helps him with the tests herself. He enjoys working next to her, she has a knack for knowing when he needs silence and when he has time to explain, instruct or just chat.

“Hey Bar”, Joe greets him as he walks into his lab, then spotting Caitlin on the chair at the desk, he adds, “Hi, Caitlin. How are you feeling?” “A lot better, but Barry still feels he should babysit me, so voila” she smiles as she motions at herself in the lab. “How’s Jenna doing?” She adds. “A lot better, too, thank you again,” Joe replies. “Don’t mention it.”  
“A new crime scene?” Barry asks. “Unfortunately, yes” Joe sighs, “and a gruesome one at that.” Barry nods, sometimes it was interesting work, solving the mysteries of a crime, but sometimes dealing with the victims of said crimes weighed heavy. Barry turns to Caitlin, who was reassuring him right away. “Go, I’ll be fine here, I have my phone, if I need anything, I’ll call.” She smiles at him gently, knowing how hard it must be to go to these kinds of crime scenes. She wishes she could go with him, support him, but this is part of his job and tagging along, especially in her current state, isn’t going to make this easier for him. Barry nods, feeling a little lighter, knowing she will be here at his return and follows Joe to the crime scene.

 

“Barry, can I ask you something? As a Dad that worries” Joe begins. Aware that his only contact with Iris these last two days has been a few text messages, Barry has expected Joe to bring this up. But when he nods, he is surprised at the direction of the talk. “Are you happy being married to Iris?” Joe wants to know. Taken aback, Barry’s first response is to reassure him that of course, he’s happy, but he catches himself in time, realizing that he should be honest with Joe. “Truthfully? No, not really.” Barry admits sighing. Joe nods unsurprised by his answer, having given a lot of thought to Cecile's words. “You know that all I want for you, and for Iris, is to be happy right, no matter what that happiness looks like,” Joe assures him. Barry looks at him surprised, not at the sentiment, but at the fact that Joe obviously thinks that their happiness isn’t necessarily dependent on each other. “Thanks, Joe” Barry smiles, Joe’s support showing him maybe his situation with Iris isn’t as hopeless as he thinks.

 

Returning an hour later to his lab, he finds Caitlin cleaning and organizing his testing tubes. After witnessing the horror of the crime scene, this sweet gesture means a lot to him. Hearing him approach, Caitlin gets up and turns to him. One look at his face, tells her everything she needs to know, to spread her arms and give him a hug. He returns the gesture eagerly, tightening his grip around her, pressing his face against her neck. They break the hug after a few moments, only slowly letting go.  
“Thanks for cleaning my utensils,” Barry says giving her a small smile. “You know I can’t stand water stained beakers” she jokes, returning his smile. He chuckles as he takes out the new samples that need to be tested. He also retrieves the crime scene pictures, but he just puts them in his drawer, not wanting Caitlin to have to see them. The gesture doesn’t go unnoticed by her. Always shouldering the burden himself, she thinks. So she just puts a hand on his shoulder and asks “How can I help?”  
Together they test the samples, note the results and write the reports. Caitlin’s comforting presence, making the task a lot lighter for him.


	25. Chapter 25

After checking in on Starlabs, they decide to have an early dinner with Cisco at their favorite Mexican place. “Should we ask Iris to join us?” Caitlin asks Barry not wanting to be the reason he doesn’t get to see her. “No, it’s okay” he simply replies. Though wondering what that is about, Caitlin doesn’t press the issue. Barry sighs internally, knowing he can’t keep avoiding Iris forever. But pushing his thoughts down, he joins Caitlin and Cisco in their conversation.

After another day of testing, Cisco is now sure that his tech had functioned perfectly. “So my body is really rejecting the dark matter” Caitlin states, “I don’t understand how that is possible. I had dark matter in me, then Devoe takes it from me, now I reject it. All the while my powers were in me, before the dark matter probably in a latent state, then they were activated, now with the dark matter gone, they’re latent again. Seriously does this make sense to anyone?” Caitlin wants to know exasperated. “Nope” Barry and Cisco reply simultaneously. “We’ve come up against a lot of things that lacked sense but in the end, we always figure them out” Cisco points out reassuringly. “I still think your emotions are the key” Barry muses, but seeing Caitlin clam up once again at the mention of this idea, he doesn’t push it. The rest of the evening passes quickly, as it often does when you’re having fun. Afterwards Barry takes Caitlin home, noticing that the day has taken a toll on her, even if she tries to hide just how tired she is.

 

“Do you want anything?” Barry asks after he puts her down on the couch. “Coffee” she states while yawning extensively. “No coffee” Barry counters, “you need to sleep, you’re not supposed to stay awake. How about some tea?” “Fine” Caitlin agrees, “but I can’t go to bed at eight-thirty like a child.” “We’ll see about that” Barry grins watching her yawn once more.  
Noticing this, Caitlin sits up straight, folding her legs under her and just states. “I’m wide awake.” Barry laughs while pouring the tea and bringing it over. As he sits down, Caitlin looks over at him, hesitantly, while asking. “Barry?” “Hmm” “Can I ask you something?” “Sure” he smiles.  
“You don’t have to tell me if you feel like it’s none of my business, it’s just…” then the words rush out of her, “are you and Iris okay? Because I don’t think you are. You’ve been spending all your time with me and I’m very grateful, but I feel bad keeping you from her, but then tonight you didn’t even want to invite her along. And I just want to make sure that you are okay. You know I’m here for you if you want to talk about it.” 

She looks at him with big eyes filled with support. He can’t help but smile at her, always worried about him. He nods slowly, admitting. “You’re right, Iris and I are not okay.” “I’m sorry, Barry. Is there anything I can do?” He shakes his head. “No, I don’t think there is anything anyone can do... You know how I realized some time ago that I neglected our friendship and I’ve been trying to make up for it?” She nods “You know that you have already made up for it though, right?” “Yeah, I know, I feel like our friendship is back to what it was and I’m so much happier than I was before.” He sighs “But at the same time I’ve come to realize a lot of things about Iris and our relationship. Things I never noticed before or things I’ve ignored, I don’t even know anymore. And I’ve been trying to talk to Iris about it, so we can work on it, but we basically only end up fighting…” 

“You know that an argument isn’t necessarily a bad thing, right?” Caitlin interrupts him gently, “Sometimes it can help clear the air, let you see the other person’s standpoint”  
“I know, but only if it leads to resolving the issue. I just feel like she isn’t hearing what I’m saying and it usually ends with her walking away from me. And I’m not saying it’s her fault, I mean she isn’t handling the situation well, but then again, I’ve been basically avoiding her lately… On top of it, I feel like it’s my fault we’re having problems because she was happy with the way things were, I’m the one who isn’t fine with it anymore. I’m the one that started this.” Barry sighs.

“Well you have to be true to yourself, Barry, there is nothing wrong with that” she comforts him. “I think, if I had been true to myself, Iris and I would have never ended up married,” Barry confesses. “You’ve been in love with Iris forever, how can being with her not be true to yourself?” Caitlin wants to know, surprised. 

“Because I don’t think I’ve ever really loved her” Barry whispers, not able to say it out loud. “I don’t know how to explain it, I mean she was there for me when I basically lost both my parents, so of course I became attached to her. But I never told her how I felt, for years I didn’t tell her, until she was moving in with Eddie, until she was unavailable and it was safe for me to say something. I think I’ve always been in love with the idea of Iris and I had years to perfect that dream version of her in my head that I lost sight of the real Iris. And then when she suddenly wanted to be with me, I thought I would get everything I ever dreamed of, so I focused on the dream and lost sight of reality. And now that I see it, I wonder why we even ended up together. How I never saw it?... So now I suddenly bring up all these issues, no wonder she’s upset with me. It’s just gotten to the point where I know now that the moment I stop running and avoiding the issue, our marriage will be over and I will have ruined Iris happiness in the progress.” Barry confesses.

“Woah, stop Barry,” Caitlin says indignantly, “You’re putting a lot on yourself again. If you’re unhappy in your relationship then that isn’t all on you. A relationship is between two people, and the two are equally responsible for making it work. It’s not your job alone to make it work neither is it solely your fault if it doesn’t work. I can’t tell you how you feel or how you felt, that’s something you need to figure out for yourself. And since you always seemed happy, I never said anything, it wasn’t my business. But truthfully I always thought that you had to work a little too hard trying to mold yourself into the person she wants you to be. You, Barry Allen, are perfect exactly the way you are and you shouldn’t have to change anything about yourself. If Iris can’t accept you for who you are then she doesn’t deserve you.”  
Barry sits there, mouth open, at her outburst. “Cait, are your eyes turning white?” “What?” she yelps taken aback. “Never mind, I thought I saw your eyes change for a moment, but… maybe I was wrong.” He mumbles, unsure of what just happened.  
“Maybe I should go to bed after all,“ Caitlin suggests after a moment of silence. ”Okay,” Barry agrees. 

“You know you don’t have to stay, right?” Caitlin says a little later while slipping under her sheets. “Do you want me to go?” Barry simply asks. “No” she murmurs. He smiles at her, sitting down by her bed yet again. “Then I’m not going anywhere” He stays for a little longer, while Caitlin is quickly drifting off to sleep, but just before she falls asleep, she hears him say, “I think you’re perfect, too, Cait.”


	26. Chapter 26

The next morning, Barry wakes up with the conviction that he has to confront Iris today. He doesn’t know why he feels that way, just that suddenly he is sure that it’s the right thing to do. He’s been wrestling with his feelings for months, not making any headway, unsure what to do. So maybe it’s because he feels more like himself again, having his friendship restored with Cisco an Caitlin, maybe the fact that he now knows that Joe is going to support them no matter what, helped in his resolve or maybe Caitlin’s speech has been the trigger, in any case, he now knows that no matter what comes next, he won’t be avoiding the issue anymore. He’s going to tell her everything and she’s going to have to listen to him and they would deal with the consequences… at that thought, an image of Nora floats through his mind coupled with a sharp pain. Even if she’s still a stranger to him, he realizes that the main issue he’s been avoiding Iris is her. She will become collateral damage and that is a fate he wouldn’t want for anybody, but his own… Taking a deep breath, he pushes the guilt down. He has to make an impossible choice, but living a lie, raising a daughter while in an unhappy relationship, that wasn’t fair to either of them…

 

When he hears Caitlin getting up, he quickly fixes them breakfast. “I think I’m going to talk to Iris today” Barry starts in between some waffles. Caitlin nods “I think that’s the right thing to do.” “It’s just, “ Barry says reluctantly, “that I will have to leave you alone and …” “I’m fine” Caitlin scoffs, though the sentiment warms her heart, “Yes, I still get tired more quickly, but being in Starlabs I can sit down most of the time. Don’t worry about me, I’m sure Cisco will keep an eye on me and you know you can always be there in a flash.” She grins.  
Barry chuckles but finally agrees, after which they head to Starlabs. Caitlin starts running tests on herself right away, making sure that the tests confirm that she’s feeling better. Barry walks down to Cisco’s lab to make sure his friend can keep an eye on Caitlin today.  
“Hey man,“ Cisco greets him as he enters his lab, “Where’s Caitlin?” “Hi," Barry replies, "upstairs running some tests." “So you’re not joined at the hip anymore?” Cisco teases him. Barry just rolls his eyes. “I actually wanted to ask if you could keep an eye on her today.” “Of course” Cisco reassures him, “How is she doing?” “A lot better, but she still gets tired quickly and you know Caitlin, she needs somebody to force her to take it easy.” Barry smiles. “Don’t worry, I’m on it” Cisco promises very enthusiastically, “now I finally get to boss her around for a change.” Barry grins while turning to leave when Cisco asks “So what important stuff do you have going on today, that you will finally leave her side.”  
Barry sighs, he guesses Cisco deserves the truth, too. “I'm finally going to confront Iris, I think she and I are over and we need to hash it out.” “Woah dude, are you sure you want to do that? Don’t you remember the future where Iris died, you told me you were a complete wreck without her. I have no inclination to spend time with that Emo version of you. So you better think this trough.” Barry can’t help but smile at his friend’s reaction.  
“Cisco, I think Iris dying because I couldn’t save her is different from divorcing her.” “I don’t know Barry, you have lost a lot of people before, but only losing Iris did such a number on you,” Cisco says still unconvinced. “Yeah, but back then I still thought I could have that dream version of a life with her, but I know the truth now.” Barry thinks back on that version of the future. How he could have possibly turned out that way, he would never understand. Although in that timeline he hadn’t just lost Iris, he had lost Caitlin, too. Not having her in his life, …  
“Wait, what about Nora?” Cisco interrupts his thoughts. “I wish I knew, Cisco” Barry sighs, his heart incredibly heavy. He knows that being with Iris isn’t the right choice and he won’t let the future dictate his actions anymore, force him into a miserable life, but… abandoning his daughter was a consequence he never thought he had to face. 

 

Barry meets Iris at home…well at their apartment, it hasn’t felt like home in a while now. Iris is facing Barry, already confrontation in her eyes. "Look who finally found time for his wife." Barry sighs and looks at her, though this isn't a great start, he's still finally ready to say what he has been holding in for too long. “Do you still believe in our marriage, Iris?” he asks. She looks at him anger flashing in her eyes. Barry swallows but continues. “Because, if I’m being honest, I don’t.”  
Staring at him fiercely, Iris hisses. “How can you say that? We need to be together Barry, it’s destiny, we’re meant to be” “How can you even believe in destiny anymore, Iris” Barry moans. Iris looks at Barry, pain flashing through her eyes and words spilling out of her mouth she never thought she’d say “Because the last time I screwed with destiny, Eddie died. I chose him over the signs from the future and I lost the man I loved. I will not go through that again, Barry.” She looks at him shocked at her own words. Barry just stares at her speechless.  
“So what, you only ever chose me, because you knew you wouldn’t lose me?” he states unbelievably calm. “No, I… I mean… I don’t know. Damn it Barry, so what if I did. I loved Eddie so much and I lost him and I couldn’t imagine risking going through that again. But with you, I knew I wouldn’t have to. We are married in the future and on other earths, we are destiny. And you were always there for me since I’ve known you. Barry, you cared for me, you loved me, you were safe. Of course, I chose you. It was my destiny.” Tears are starting to leak from Iris’s eyes.  
“But Iris” Barry states gently, “how can you say that and still believe in our marriage?” “Because we’re still married six years from now, because we have a daughter in the future, …” Iris explains. “But not because you love me?” Barry asks, smiling slightly. Iris looks at him, taken aback, her anger deflating quickly.  
“This is what I mean, Iris, I’ve always been in love with the idea of you and clearly you’ve been in love with the idea of me, of a safe future. Every step in our relationship has been dictated by the knowledge of the future. If we’re being completely honest with ourselves, do you think we would be together if we had never had any knowledge of the future?” Barry puts his hands on Iris’ arms and looks in her eyes, seeing pain but also acknowledgment.

“Maybe you’re right” she finally admits barely audible. “I was so lost after Eddie died, you had your life as the Flash, but I was never a part of it, not really. Then losing my mother a second time, I think I just needed to be sure, that you would stay a constant in my life. And thinking it was destiny, gave me hope, a sense of security, I’ve been lacking for a long time.”  
“I understand that,” Barry comforts her gently, “I think I wanted you to be a constant in my life, too. But maybe because we moved too fast, maybe because we never questioned it, I don’t know, in any case, in the end, I’m not happy in this marriage. Are you?” Iris sighs, reflecting on her past behavior, it felt like a constant fight for happiness, pushing him to be in a relationship, trying to find some usefulness with Team Flash, becoming team leader, always hiding her own insecurities, trying to own her place in his life, all in the pursuit of a happy future. She shakes her head. “No, I don’t think I was really happy. I just thought I should be, so I guess I was, not even admitting anything to myself. But I think along the way I’ve lost sight of what mattered to me.”  
Barry wraps his arms around her, hugging her tightly. “We’ve both been losing sight of the things that matter most” he sighs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was way harder to write than I had foreseen. Not reusing stuff from former conversations but still develop the characters. I'm not sure if Iris' development feels genuine; then again it never does in the series either, so maybe that's the problem ;) I hope I did her justice though :)


	27. Chapter 27

After leaving Iris, Barry knows there is one more person he has to visit before he can move on. After a knock, Nora opens the door to her apartment, she has rented after starting her waitress job.  
“Dad, what are you doing here?” she asks surprised. “We need to talk.” She nods and lets him in. She motions to the couch and they both sit down.  
“First off, I want to say I’m sorry“, Barry begins, “I have been avoiding you these last few months and even though I have my reasons, I know it wasn’t fair to you. I’ve been dealing with a lot of conflicting feelings lately and you got caught up in the middle of it.” “Thanks” Nora just says, while waiting for him to go on. “Look, I’m just going to assume that you’ve been telling us the truth since I have no proof either way. And I understand why you won’t tell us more, we shouldn’t know about our future, trust me, I know. I’ve been struggling with my future for a while now.” Barry gives her a little smile. 

“So I’m just going to tell you my side of things because I feel like I at least owe that to you.” Nora just looks at him expectantly. Barry takes a deep breath. “So first off, I know that you came to the wedding and you told me to say ‘I do’, which if you actually meant that literally, I didn’t end up doing. Then I know that another speedster helped me destroy that satellite, so I’m pretty sure that was you, especially since you told us afterwards that you made a mistake. I’m therefore assuming that this event changed your timeline. I am pretty confident though that I wouldn’t have died from the punch since you exist and Iris isn’t pregnant. Believe me, I made sure. So I don’t know why you did what you did, but I guess this is what changed events.” Barry looks at his daughter, trying to find some kind of reaction, despite himself. He can see her reluctance, but also a desire to tell him in her eyes.  
After a moment, he decides to go on, but just then, Nora whispers. “You would have ended up in a coma.” Barry raises his eyebrows, surprised. Swallowing, she continues. “For reasons I can’t explain, I came here to witness your wedding, even though I knew, I shouldn’t. I wasn’t planning on interacting with any of you. But when I got here, I got reckless and talked to you. Then I decided to stay a little while longer and the longer I stayed the more this time sucked me in, observing you, even interacting with you. And when the time came, where I knew you would nearly die and end up in a coma for… let’s say a long while… I just couldn’t stay back and watch it happen. It wasn’t a conscious choice, it was an instinctive reaction.” Nora’s face is painted with guilt and remorse.  
“I’m so sorry, Dad, you taught me better, and now…” “You don’t exist anymore in the future” Barry states, his heart breaking for the pain he inadvertently caused his daughter. Nora just looks up at him, surprised. “How did you know?” He takes a deep breath, trying to swallow the lump in his throat, how can he do this? But he knows he has to tell her, she deserves that much. Maybe he’s wrong, maybe there‘s still a solution… 

“I don’t know what changed the timeline, maybe me not being in a coma did change it, maybe just seeing you changed it, I honestly don’t know. What I do know, is that Iris’ and my marriage is over. I don’t know how things are in your time, maybe we’re happy there…” “You’re not” Nora utters in a small voice.  
Barry takes this in for a moment, finding some comfort in her words, before continuing, “Well, here we have finally realized that being together doesn’t make us happy. I love your mother, I always will, but not in a way that warrants a healthy relationship. I have let my life be ruled by the knowledge of the future for too long, so I’ve been trying to live in the present these last few months and it has opened my eyes to a lot of problems in my life, a lot of mistakes I made, the pain I caused. And I know that not being with Iris, is the right choice for the present, but I can’t tell you how much it pains me, how much it breaks my heart to do this to you. Because no matter how hard I try to ignore the future and not base my decisions on it, I still know enough, I know that you could exist and I can’t believe I have to make a choice that erases you.” Barry’s eyes are filled with tears, guilt and sorrow etched all over his face as he has to tell his daughter that she won’t exist because of him.

Nora’s eyes reflect his own, tears leaking from them. She suddenly throws his arms around him, seeking comfort in her father’s embrace. He hugs her tightly, his lungs having difficulty breathing. “I’m so sorry, Dad,” Nora whispers in his shoulder. “If I hadn’t come here none of this would have happened, I never believed how bad the consequences of time travel could actually be and now…” Her voice breaks. Barry pushes her off a little to look into her eyes. “This is not your fault. If anything, by coming here, you have made my life open to a lot of real happiness. But a part of me will die the moment time catches up with you and you cease to exist.” He pulls her back into a hug, clinging to her. A stranger, who nonetheless, was the most important thing in his world.  
Having made many choices he regrets and wishes he could take back, this is the one he knows he can still take back, but is incapable of doing, even if it causes him more pain than every tragedy in his life combined. 

They hold on to each other for the longest time, Barry’s thoughts racing through his head. How can he do this? Wait around for the time paradox to catch up with her… memories of Eobart Thorne getting erased from existence, Savitar vanishing before their eyes… except Thorne was still alive, somehow… not having been in his own time… and Savitar had a plan to avoid the time paradox by making himself… a god, was it? Caitlin will know… Barry looks up, a tiny seed of hope taking root in his heart.  
“Maybe there is a way,” he says carefully. Nora looks up at him, uncertainty in her eyes. “I can’t promise you anything, except to try and find a way to keep you alive. You won’t be able to return to your time since it doesn’t exist anymore, but maybe we can find a way to keep you alive in this time. If you want that?” Barry elaborates. Nora nods, wiping the tears from her eyes. “Then it’s worth a shot” Barry smiles, taking his daughter’s hand as they speed to Starlabs, to Caitlin and Cisco, his friends with whom he has faced and done the impossible.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys, so I hope you enjoyed the story so far. I wasn't sure what to do with Nora for a while there, kind of wanting her to disappear and let the hurt get real, needing Barry to make this choice despite the consequences and not wanting to give him an easy out. But in the end I couldn't go through with it, worried what it would do to Barry and I actually like the character of Nora that we've seen so far in season 4. Anyway, I know I'll be busier starting next week, so it might take me longer to update, but I have a few more ideas, so don't worry :)


	28. Part Six

A month later, Barry walks into Starlabs handing Caitlin her coffee. He doesn’t know when this had become their thing. At first, he had brought coffee for Cisco as well, but his friend had proclaimed that he couldn’t drink that much coffee, so now he just brings Caitlin a coffee every morning before going to work. 

At this moment Cisco walks by with Nora on his tail having another discussion about the best Star Wars movie, apparently, there were still a few to come. Barry smiles at the sight of them, he still can’t believe they had managed to save Nora from the time paradox. It had been difficult for her at first, being stranded in this timeline, but lately, she has started setting roots and she seems to be coming to terms with her situation. To Barry, she has become like a younger sister, the thought that she is still technically his daughter freaking him out too much.

 

Barry is just about to ask if there is any criminal activity before heading to work when an alarm sounds. At the same moment a breach opens in the middle of the lab; not knowing if it is friend or foe, Barry swoops Caitlin behind him, shielding her against whatever or whoever will step through. But he immediately relaxes when he spots Leonard Snart from Earth X walk through the portal.  
“Hey guys, I see I got a whole welcoming committee” Snart proclaims as he takes in his surroundings.  
“Leo!” Cisco greets him excitedly. “Cisco, Barry, Caitlin,” Snart nods at each of them, before turning towards Nora. “And a new one. Do I spot a family resemblance there, Flash?” Snart states in his usual growl, smirking slightly. “This is Nora, “ Barry introduces them, before adding “my daughter.” “Your daughter?” Leo says taken aback, “how much time has passed on your earth?”  
“I’m from the future” Nora chimes in excitedly, holding out her hand to shake Snart’s. “or at least I was, it's a long story. Anyway, it’s so great to meet you. I mean, you’re Captain Cold, I never thought I would meet you. I’m a huge fan.” “A fan, huh?” Snart growls, while cocking one eyebrow, “I think I might like you… Mini Flash.” Nora just keeps beaming at him, while clearly debating if she should ask to take a picture. Barry just shakes his head.  
“So what brings you here, Leo?” he wants to know. “I hope Ray’s alright?” Caitlin adds. Snart nods smiling. “He’s just fine, thank you, we’ve actually never been happier, married life really suits us.” But noticing the lack of Barry’s wedding ring, he adds. “Unlike other people apparently.” “As blunt as ever” Cisco grins while asking “So what can we help you with?” Leo turns to him and says “Actually, I’m in need of your technical expertise Cisco, my cold gun seems to be on the fritz.” Cisco gasps “What did you do to my baby, please tell me you didn’t mistreat it. You guys always expect me to build you some tech, but then you disrespect it, letting it get dirty, broken… I mean just the other day, Barry managed to get slime all over my Flash suit, slime, I’m telling you, the disrespect…” “Why don’t you just take a look at it in your workshop, Cisco.” Caitlin interrupts her friend’s tirade. Cisco huffs but takes the outstretched gun from Snart. “This way my friend.” Snart follows Cisco to his workshop, Nora on their heels not wanting to miss a moment of Captain Cold’s visit.

“You okay?” Caitlin asks turning to Barry. “Yeah, why?” he nods. “Because of Leo’s oh so tactful comment about married life” she smiles, tilting her head slightly, looking at him with concern. Barry returns her smile. “I’m fine.” Noticing her disbelief, he adds. “Really I’m fine. I mean, yes, it’s still weird not being a part of Iris’ life anymore or her being a part of mine. And sure sometimes I’m sad how things turned out. But most of the time I’m really okay, good even. I know I made the right choice, I know because I feel lighter than I’ve ever felt. So don’t worry, a little comment from Snart doesn’t faze me.” Caitlin looks at him a little while longer, but seemingly appeased by what she sees, she nods and turns back to her work.  
Barry walks to the console in the cortex, to get some of his own work done. He has to write a few reports for work, but since he doesn’t need his lab for them, he decides to remote access his computer and to type the reports from here. But somehow unable to concentrate, he keeps looking over at Caitlin, who’s entranced in her own work. She’s sitting at her desk in her part of the lab, her fingers typing away at the computer, recording her thoughts and research. Barry knows she’s been working on a project about using the different capabilities of meta powers for good. She still hasn’t given up on the idea, or ruse in hindsight, that Dr. Wells first came up with, to use Barry’s rapid healing capabilities to cure other people. He smiles seeing her this excited about her work, other people might not even notice the subtle changes, the light in her eyes, the way she leans forward, only taking sips of her coffee in an afterthought, … But he can always tell if she’s working on something that excites her or frustrates or worries or scares her. Lost in his own thoughts, Barry doesn’t even notice Snart walking up next to him. 

 

Snart has decided to flee Cisco’s lab after listening to Cisco’s accusations, Nora’s admirations and both their in-detail explanations about Barry and Iris’s situation. Seeking some quiet, he has entered the cortex to find Barry sitting at the console, staring at Caitlin. Noticing his friend’s expression, one he had never seen Barry wear when watching Iris, Snart grins to himself and sits down next to him.

“You know you could just tell her, Barry” Snart smirks. “What?” Barry says startled. “How you feel” Snart goes on. Barry just looks at him taken aback. “Barry, I’m not blind. You should just tell her.” Snart insists. “Tell her what?” Barry asks, eyes wide. Snart sighs. “That you love her.” “What? No… I’m…. I mean… I just…” Barry stammers, but Snart just raises his eyebrows, his lips twitching. Barry let’s out a deep breath. “Even if I did maybe recently realize that I might have and always had some feelings for Caitlin, I couldn’t possibly tell her.” “Why not? Scared of rejection, Flash?” Leo teases him. But Barry’s face remains serious. “No…yes…I don’t know… There was a moment a few years back, before Ronny returned, where I thought maybe….” Barry trails off. 

“So don’t you owe it to yourself to find out if there’s still something there?” Snart inquires. Barry takes a steadying breath, the thought of Caitlin, these moments where he felt there’s more to their friendship, the idea of them so enticing… but he pushes it back down. “No, I owe it to her not to.”  
Leo just looks at him now really confused. Barry sighs.  
“Ronnie, her fiancé, she lost him in the particle accelerator explosion. He had risked his life to save a lot of people, but she still lost the man she loved,” Barry explains, “and when she started to be ready to move on, it actually turned out that he had survived and she got him back. They even got married, but mere hours later, she lost him again. He died protecting a lot of people, again... After losing her father, not having her mother in her life, losing her fiancé, getting him back only to end up widowed, somehow she got through all that grief… And then she started dating Jay. I never liked him, but at least she started to be happy again. Only to watch him get killed right in front of her. He later turned out to be the speedster villain Zoom, who then kidnapped her, which of course didn’t make it any better…” Barry trails off for a moment.  
“Anyway, she has already lost so much and I’m out there risking my life every single day… I know how hard it is for her to watch me head into danger, but she’s still here, always helping me through it, patching me up. I shouldn’t even ask her to do that, but I’m too selfish, I know I can’t do it without her, I need her… But I cannot ask any more of her. It’s not fair to her. She deserves so much more than what I can offer her.” Barry’s still watching Caitlin, his heart heavy remembering everything she has been through, wishing he could take some of her pain away.

“Yeah that’s bullshit, Barry” Snart replies coldly, “If you die tomorrow, it won’t hurt her any less not knowing how you feel. Take it from someone who has grown up in a time of war, life is too short to make excuses. I understand that you want to save her from more pain, but avoiding love is not the way to do it.”  
“Maybe” Barry admits running his hands through his hair. He knows that Leo’s not entirely wrong, but he is always going to put Caitlin’s happiness first and she deserves better than another guy that puts his life on the line. On top of it, his divorce isn’t even final yet and he would never want to make her feel like a rebound. No matter what, he is going to be the friend she deserves and that will be enough for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry that I wasn't able to write how they saved Nora, but since I still don't really understand the "explanations" of the show how the time paradox worked with Thorne or Savitar, I couldn't come up with something believable ;)


	29. Chapter 29

Caitlin’s about to put the last earring on, ready to go the Joe’s Christmas party, when she hears a knock on her door. Surprised and trying not to get worried, she walks over and looks through the peak hole. Relieved she sees Barry standing on the other side, she quickly opens all the safety locks Cisco had installed after her last kidnapping.  
“Hi” she greets him, “what are you doing here? I thought we would meet at Joe’s?” Clearly a little uncomfortable, Barry comes inside and starts to explain. “I know, it’s just, I thought, since I’m still living at Cisco’s, that we’d be going over there together, but now he has made a breakthrough with some tech and he refuses to leave before he’s finished. But I can’t very well be late to Joe’s party, so I was kind of hoping, knowing you, you’d be ready and we could go together…. I just don’t want to show up there alone.” Barry puts his hand behind his neck looking down. Caitlin places her hand on his other arm and softly squeezes it. “Of course” she just smiles understanding in her eyes. Relieved he smiles back. 

After their breakup, Iris had decided to take an assignment abroad for a few weeks and now she’s back and he’s going to see her for the first time again. Walking through Joe’s door alone, when she might already be waiting inside, would make him feel like a stranger entering another family’s house. But with Caitlin by his side, he’ll have all the support he needs.  
“So should we take my car or…?” Caitlin asks. “No, I’ll flash us there.” Barry grins. “Well, then we’re going to be early” Caitlin jokes. Barry just looks at her, really taking in her appearance. She’s wearing a light blue dress that nicely accents her curves without being too skintight or revealing, her hair cascading in curls down her side… Barry swallows. “That’s okay, then we have the time for me to tell you how absolutely beautiful you look.” Blushing, Caitlin replies “Well you look very handsome yourself, Barry” she steps closer to him, and fixes his tie that has become crooked, probably from running over here. Noticing the light blue color of it, she holds it up to her dress and adds “Hey, twinsies.” Barry chuckles. “So should we get going?” Caitlin nods, before grabbing her coat and her purse. “Now don’t go setting me on fire, Mr. Allen” she jokes, as he picks her up. “Wouldn’t dream of it, Dr. Snow” he replies grinning and runs them, not too fast, to Joe’s house.

 

Putting Caitlin down on the porch, he keeps his hand on her arm to steady her so she can find her footing. As they approach the door, Barry slides his hand down her arm, now gripping her hand instead. She gives him a comforting squeeze as she rings the doorbell. Barry takes a deep breath and lets go of her hand when the door opens, not wanting to but also not wanting anybody to get the wrong idea. Joe’s standing in the doorway with Jenna on his arm, beaming at them. They walk in, greeting them, with Jenna getting a fair amount of hugs and kisses. “So glad you’re here,” Joe says while taking their coats. “Cisco’s probably going to be late, some last-minute breakthrough with his tech,” Barry explains, while Joe just nods fondly.  
Barry spots Iris standing in the living room with Cecile and Wally. Sensing Caitlin’s hand on his back for just a moment, he takes a breath and walks up to them, greeting Cecile and Wally first before turning to Iris. They grin at each other awkwardly before hugging. She’s still as beautiful as ever, but to Barry’s surprise, apart from a little nervousness left in his stomach, he doesn’t feel anything at the sight of her, no butterflies… and no regrets. He smiles at her. “How you’ve been?” “Surprisingly good” she replies smiling as well. “How was your assignment?” Caitlin asks as she joins them. “Oh it was so exciting” Iris starts and launches into a long rendition of her trip. Barry smiles listening to her story contently, relieved to see proof that they are in fact better off without each other and if this evening is any indication he thinks they might even make it back to being friends eventually.

 

Shortly after, Nora arrives, giving everybody a big hug, while Joe’s serving grandma Esther’s famous eggnog. Caitlin takes one, happy to know she wouldn’t have to drive home later. She has been keeping a close eye on Barry, aware of how awkward tonight might be for him, not knowing how Iris would react. But she’s relieved to see that Iris seems happy as well and Barry has clearly loosened up pretty quickly and was back to his usual self in no time. She can’t help but notice that he gravitates around her the whole evening, always close by, seeking her company or just his eyes lingering on her from across the room. Her heart warms at that observation, especially when his behavior doesn’t stop after Cisco has finally joined them, treating everybody to a lengthy explanation of his latest breakthrough. Caitlin smiles fondly at the people in this room, her friends, her family… her thoughts wander off to her own family. Even knowing that her father’s still alive hasn’t brought her closer to her mother, they are friendlier than before but still so far from being family. She sighs, a part of her has really hoped that by this Christmas, her father might be by her side again. The thought brings sudden tears to her eyes, so she quickly steps outside to get some fresh air. 

 

Barry notices Caitlin's absence right away, but seeing her through the window, just standing there, taking deep breaths, he waits a few more minutes, before joining her outside. “You okay?” he wants to know, stepping next to her. She sighs “Yeah it’s nothing.” She turns to look at him, giving him a small smile. But noticing the wetness in her eyes, he swiftly puts an arm around her shoulder, pulling her to his side. Together they look out into the night, still some traces of snow in the garden, the stars shining brightly in the dark sky. Barry doesn’t press her about what’s going on but just holds her close, knowing she will tell him if she wants to. 

“My father used to look at the stars with me” she opens up after a while, “he would take me outside, wrapped in a million blankets so I wouldn’t get cold…ironic if you think about it” she chuckles but Barry can hear the sadness behind it, so he pulls her even closer. “You must miss him a lot.” He feels her nodding in his shoulder. “I always do, but knowing he’s out there somewhere… it changes things. A part of me hoped we would have found him by now and we’d be spending this Christmas together again like we used to…” “Cait” Barry just whispers, his voice filled with emotion. Caitlin swallows down the lump in her throat. “But another part of me is scared to find him and find out why he didn’t want to be in my life anymore.” Her voice breaks.  
Looking down at her, Barry sees silent tears stream down her face. He turns her, so she’s facing him, and takes her face in his hands, brushing away the tears with his thumbs. “Hey, look at me” She slowly lifts her gaze. “Cait, no way did your father ever want to leave you. I don’t know him, but I know your stories of him and I know you. And nobody in their right mind would ever not want you in their life. You just need to have faith that we will find him eventually and I’m sure he has a very good reason for disappearing that has nothing to do with wanting to leave you, don’t ever doubt that” His eyes are filled with so much earnestness, his words like a million hugs putting her back together, mending the seams where her doubts and fears might break her someday. For a second her eyes seem to turn white, but before Barry can be sure of what he sees, Caitlin slings her arms around his waist, and he quickly engulfs her in his arms. The tightness with which he holds her, his warmth surrounding him, soothes her soul. She burrows her head deeper in his shoulder, whispering “Thanks, Barry.” She thinks she feels his lips brushing her hair, but isn’t sure. They stay like this for a while listening to the laughter coming from inside, the eggnog doing his part to add to the carefree moods.

 

“Do you want to go back inside?” Caitlin asks, slowly stepping out of the embrace. “Actually” Barry begins, nervous again, “maybe now would be a good time to…well.. ehm.. so I got you a gift.” Caitlin chuckles. “It is Christmas, Barry.” Barry grins. “Yes I know, I mean, there’s a gift under the tree for you like always, but it’s just a boring scarf.” “I like scarves,” Caitlin says frowning a little, why would he ruin the surprise of opening the gift. “Yeah, but I got you another gift, your real gift, it’s just… I didn’t want to put it under the tree, because well… it might be a little cheesy.” Barry let’s out a breath of air, while clearly blushing.  
“Now I’m intrigued” Caitlin grins. Barry reaches in his pocket to retrieve a little, wrapped box. “Merry Christmas, Cait” he smiles as he hands it to her. Starting to get nervous about this herself, she slowly unwraps the box. She can feel Barry hold his breath as she opens it slowly. Her breath hitches as she looks at the stunning silver charms bracelet in the box, on it a delicate charm of a snowflake and one of a lightning bolt. “Barry” she breathes, tears welling up behind her eyes, “it’s so beautiful.” “You like it?” Barry asks beaming at her. She just nods, unsure if her voice would work. She takes the bracelet out of the box, letting it glide through her fingers, marveling at its intricacy. Seeing the snowflake and the lightning bolt next to each other, does something to her, that she isn’t ready to admit to herself. Swallowing, she hands the bracelet to Barry, holding out her wrist. He slowly fastens it around her wrist, the touch of his fingers sending goosebumps down her spine. She looks up and sees him beam proudly at the sight of the bracelet fitting her perfectly. A swarm of emotions is racing through her for this man standing in front of her. All the emotions, she’s been shoving deep down, trying to break free. She knows that things are different now, he isn’t in love with Iris anymore, but she doesn’t know if he would ever feel for her what she feels for him. There had been moments before, but she has been hurt too many times to hope for anything anymore. But just being around him, is all she ever needed. Being on the receiving ends of his smiles, maybe even hugs has gotten her through every heartache, every grief, every…thing. But this gift… she feels another part of the wall she has built in her subconscious slowly breaking away. Overwhelmed, she just throws her arms around him, hugging him tightly. He returns the gesture eagerly. “So you definitely like it? It’s not too cheesy?” he wants to know. “I absolutely love it, Barry” she beams, “it’s the best gift I’ve ever gotten.” And it was.


	30. Chapter 30

Caitlin wakes up the next morning with a searing headache. Of course, Grandma Esther’s eggnog, she sighs, as good as it tastes in the moment, it packs a real punch the day after. Turning on her back, she decides not to get up right away, she deserves a little more time snuggled in bed. Her eyes fall to the bracelet lying on her nightstand and a big smile spreads across her face. She doesn’t know if this gift means something more to Barry, but she tries not to read into it. They’re just friends like always and that’s all she’ll ever need as long as he’s a part of her life. 

At that moment her cell phone vibrates, scrunching her eyes to adjust to the screen, she sees Barry’s name. Think of the devil, she smiles. She opens his message. ‘Morning sunshine. You up?’ She grins responding ‘Awake, not up ;) ’  
A second later, Barry comes phasing through her door, standing in her bedroom holding a steaming cup of coffee. “Barry” she yelps, sitting upright in bed. But the motion doesn’t help her headache and she slouches back down, groaning. He grins at her. “I thought you might like some coffee, you know, to help with the eggnog hangover.” “That’s a sweet thought, Barry, but did you have to barge into my bedroom?” Caitlin huffs, his chipper voice grating against her ears. “Oh”, Barry says his face falling, “you said you weren’t up yet, so I didn’t want to make you get up, so I saved you the trip.” He looks at her, searching her face, unsure if he maybe crossed a line in his eagerness. But when he notices the corners of her mouth twitching, he just adds. “So voila, coffee in bed.” He sits down on her bed, handing over the coffee. She accepts it and greedily takes a sip. “Hmm, so good… I guess that makes up for the barging in.” She grins, propping herself up. 

“So?” she asks slowly, still not really sure why he’s here. “So I have an idea what we could do today,” Barry says grinning proudly. But seeing her confused face, he quickly backtracks. “I mean if you don’t have any plans already, I mean I didn’t ask, I just assumed, that’s not really better, just assuming you don’t have plans. I don’t want you to think that I think you don’t have a life…. And now I’m making your headache worse” Barry sighs kicking himself mentally. He gets up, walks over to her bathroom and returns with some ibuprofen. She wonders shortly at how at home he has become in her apartment lately, but gratefully accepts the pills. “Better?” Barry wants to know. She rolls his eyes at him “Not everything works at superspeed, you know” but is unable to keep a grin from her face. Heartened by her smile, he goes back to his explanation. “Well Cisco is pretty hungover and I assumed you were too, so I just thought we could spend the day together, all three of us, something low-key, like watching TV. It must be better than being hungover alone. Assuming you don’t have any other plans” He quickly adds.  
“Tv doesn’t sound so bad” she admits, “but on one condition” “Name it” Barry grins. “I’m not rewatching Star Wars.” Barry starts to laugh “Deal.” After Nora’s and Cisco’s constant fights about the best Star Wars movie, Cisco has been obsessed with them, watching them on every occasion and putting his friends through all of them just in the last month. “I’m assuming I’m going to have to get out of bed to put your plan to action” Caitlin groans, her head still throbbing at every movement. “We have all the time in the world” Barry smirks and gets up “but maybe I can motivate you with some breakfast.” Caitlin soon hears some distinct noises and smells coming from her kitchen. With a sigh, but actually smiling broadly, she gets up and takes a shower.

 

Sometime later, having had breakfast, they arrive at Cisco’s apartment. Barry lets them in to find Cisco on the couch groaning. “I hate Grandma Esther, okay, I just do. I think she wasn’t a nice grandmother at all, she was a mean old lady, trying to hurt us all.” Barry grins “ Nobody forced you to drink the eggnog, let alone so much.” “People incapable of getting drunk aren’t allowed to partake in this conversation.” Cisco proclaims, patting his hand next to him on the couch, “Caitlin, my dear friend, come sit down next to me so we can be miserable together.” Barry chuckles while Caitlin sits down next to Cisco on the couch, careful not to jostle her head too much.  
“So what do you want to watch?” Caitlin wants to know. “Star…” Cisco starts but is interrupted by his friends screaming “No” at the same time. “No need to scream” Cisco groans covering his ears. “It’s Christmas, so maybe we could watch a Christmas themed movie” Barry suggests while sitting down on the other side of the couch next to Caitlin. “Well that only leaves one choice” Cisco exclaims. Caitlin and Barry roll their eyes, but they don’t object as Cisco puts on Die Hard.

At first, they start out in sitting positions, but sitting upright nursing a hangover is just too much effort. So Caitlin’s slowly tipping onto Barry’s shoulder, her knees tucked to her side. Before long her legs are scrawled across Cisco’s, who is buried deep in the corner of the couch, while her head is slowly drifting down onto Barry’s lap. This turns out to be a most comfortable position, especially after Barry’s hand has landed on her head, brushing her hair. Not caring about the movie anymore, she closes her eyes, dozing lightly. 

If somebody had told Barry that he wouldn’t be with Iris on Christmas this year, he wouldn’t have believed that it would turn out to be the best one since his mom died. After nearly two years of bad choices, he’s happy with his recent ones, feeling like he’s finally himself again. Now, surrounded by his best friends, he finally feels at peace again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed part six :) Feel free to leave me comments, they always inspire me to write, even if I have less time at the moment :)


	31. Part Seven

“Barry, you could have told me if you needed money,” Joe says as he walks into Barry’s lab. Barry looks at him taken aback, but then he sees the smirk on Joe’s face as he hands him a crime report. “Looks like a speedster robbed this bank. Nothing on the security cameras and the witnesses describe a gush of wind and the money was gone.” Joe explains. Barry sighs deeply. “Another speedster, just great. Let me see what we can find out.”

“But why didn’t the metahuman app alert us?” Barry inquires a little later at Starlabs. Cisco, who’s sitting behind the console, holds up his hands. “Hey don’t go blaming my tech. You were the one who didn’t want an alert for everything you or Wally did, so I reconfigured it that way.” Barry is about to reply when Caitlin walks in interrupting them. “Placing blame is really not going to help us, guys, so let’s try to come up with a solution. How about we take another look at the security footage, maybe if we slow it down frame by frame…” Cisco's typing the parameters into the computer as they all watch the monitors. He freezes the screen at an image of a blur, the only frame that caught part of the speedster. Caitlin and Barry simultaneously take a step closer to the screen. “Does this look like blue lightning to anybody else?” Caitlin says trying to hide the tremor in her voice. Even years later, Zoom still occasionally finds his way into her nightmares. Barry puts his hand on her shoulder to comfort her. “It would appear so… But Zoom is dead, so it must be someone new.” “How reassuring” Cisco comments dryly. “I guess I’ll get another cold gun out of storage.”

 

Barry is running through the streets, the February air still tasting cold, his feet barely touching the pavement before pushing himself off again in pursuit of the blue lightning. Barry had known that it wouldn’t be easy to catch this new speedster, especially with Ralph and Nora out of town. So he has been waiting in his flash suit on edge all morning for the moment the speedster would make a move. The second the metahuman app, newly reconfigured, had gone off, Barry had sped off, reaching the crime scene, another bank, just in time to catch a glimpse of blue lightning. Ever since he had come out of the speed force, he has been a lot faster, always reaching new speed. But this guy is still incredibly fast and he has a head start. 

Barry keeps pushing himself, putting everything he has into being just a little bit faster. The thought that this speedster could be another version of Zoom has dread coursing through his veins. Caitlin’s eyes when she saw the blue lightning… he wouldn’t let her get hurt again. He needs to find out who they’re dealing with. In the distance, he can spot the blue lightning, he takes a deep breath willing his legs to move even faster, gaining on the other speedster. The figure ahead slowly comes into focus, a short guy with dark hair… “Not Zoom,” Barry thinks relieved despite himself. The man turns his head to see the Flash closing in on him. Barry touches his suit to make sure it records everything he sees, courtesy of Cisco. The man who, as Barry notices surprised, isn’t wearing a suit, tries to outmaneuver Barry by changing directions, but Barry just phases through the obstacles, continuously gaining on him. Just when he thinks he’s about to catch up with him, phasing through a truck parked in his way, he comes out on the other side but is hit by a blinding light. There’s an explosion and Barry is thrown off his feet, landing forcefully on the pavement. He jumps back up looking around, but no sign of the meta anywhere. The explosion must have knocked him out long enough for the speedster to get away.

 

Defeated Barry runs back to Stralabs, panting and sweating, he sits down in the med bay, knowing Caitlin will want to do a checkup. “What happened?” Cisco wants to know, walking up to his friend. While Barry relays his encounter with the speedster, Caitlin’s trained hands go through the motions. “There’s some scaring to your retinas probably from the light of the explosion, you might see blobs in your vision for another hour or two before they’re healed. Apart from that, you’re fine, but you seriously pushed yourself, you need to eat and recharge.” Caitlin advises her patient. “Thanks, Cait,” Barry says, squeezing her hand for a moment. He knows that when his life is in danger Caitlin would go into full doctor mode, her training kicking in and her rational side taking over. But now that she’s sure he isn’t in any immediate danger, her emotions will catch up with her. 

“Cisco can you replay the footage of the speedster I recorded?” Barry demands as he gets up and walks back into the cortex. “Way ahead of you man” Cisco answers pulling up the images. The video is still blurry since the camera can’t record as fast as the speedster’s perception. “Do you think you can run facial recognition on this?” Barry asks. Cisco nods. “I’ll give it a try.” Caitlin is standing close to the monitor scrunching her eyes at something.  
“You okay?” Barry wants to know. “At least we now know it isn’t Zoom” he adds trying to comfort her. “Yes, which means, this person is using V9” Caitlin voices her suspicions. “Velocity 9? I thought you destroyed all of it,” Barry asks surprised. “I did,” Caitlin nods and goes on, “but it’s the only explanation. Blue lightning is a direct consequence of using the velocity 9 drug. I’ve been so preoccupied with the fear it might be a version of Zoom, I didn’t pursue the thought. But if this speedster has gained access to it, he might have some connections to Mercury lab, like Eliza Harmon.” “I’ll check facial recognition against all of their employees” Cisco states. 

While the computer is running the program, Barry is eating his fifth power bar. Every time he’s finished, Caitlin just hands him the next one, shooting down his protests with one look. But he stops eating the moment they hear a beep. The computer has found a match. Apparently, it’s a guy named Steven Rowl, a scientist at Mercury labs. Barry’s putting his cowl back over his head, as Cisco’s locating his address.


	32. Chapter 32

Barry flashes over to Steven Rowl’s apartment, only to find it empty. Of course, he wouldn’t wait around for the Flash to catch him. He quickly searches the whole apartment trying to find a clue to his whereabouts. But there were no documents lying around and the computer is completely wiped. Ready to give up, Barry spots the printer which is still on. Quickly he presses the reprint button and to his surprise, the machine actually prints a page. A booking confirmation for a hotel in Blüdhaven… the speedster is on the run.

Hoping this wouldn’t turn out to be a trap, Barry runs east. Still feeling tired from his last run-in with the speedster, it takes Barry longer than he hoped to reach the city. Moving faster than the naked eye can see, Barry looks through the register at the front desk, finding the name that was on the booking confirmation. Room 380. Knowing that this could be a trap, Barry runs over to room 480 and phases through the floor into the room below.  
The other speedster is just walking out of the bathroom when he spots the Flash. Cursing he takes off, Barry on his heel. Steven must have taken another hit of the drug recently because he still manages to give Barry a run for his money. The wind blowing sharply around them, they run through the unfamiliar streets. Barry mentally thanks Caitlin for making him eat all those power bars, feeling his energy level drop fast. But this time, the distance between the two speedsters was shorter from the start and pushing himself hard, Barry’s finally able to reach Rowl. Not sure if the metacuffs will work on drug-induced powers, Barry hits Rowl with a lightning bolt and sends him flying through the air. He quickly follows through with a punch for good measure. Knocked out cold, the other speedster’s lying on the ground with Barry standing over him panting. Taking a deep breath, he throws Rowl over his shoulder and runs him back to Central City, safely delivering him to Joe at the police station.

 

Back in Starlabs, Barry is sitting on the gurney, having the all clear from his personal physician, but still pretty taxed out. After making sure his friend and his suit were okay, Cisco had excused himself, having plans to go to dinner with his parents for his mother’s birthday, leaving Caitlin to tend to Barry. “How about this time, I take you home?” Caitlin offers, dangling her car keys. Barry nods smiling. “Yeah, maybe I could use some rest.” They slowly make their way to Caitlin’s car. “Do you want me to drop you off at Cisco’s apartment?” Caitlin wants to know. “Actually if you’re up for it, I thought we might watch some TV at your place. I don’t really feel like being alone,” Barry replies. “Sure, that sounds good,” Caitlin smiles, not really feeling like being alone herself, and unlocks the car. They fall silent on the drive, comfortable in each other’s presence not to feel the need to fill it. 

 

“How about I make us some dinner?” Caitlin offers as they enter her apartment. “You don’t have to go through the trouble, we can just order in,” Barry says not wanting to add to her workload. “It’s no trouble” she replies, getting started in the kitchen. “I’m sure you could use a home-cooked meal. I’m guessing you and Cisco haven’t exactly become cooking buddies.” Barry laughs. “No, we mostly order in or microwave stuff.” “How about Joe?” Caitlin asks as she starts getting out the kitchen utensils, “do you still go over to his place for dinner every week?” Barry shrugs, taking the knife from her and starting to chop the vegetables. “Not every week, Joe and Cecile are pretty busy with Jenna starting to crawl everywhere and I don’t want to be a burden. Joe’s more insistent if Iris or Wally are in town, but Iris goes on a lot of assignments and Wally’s rarely in this time period. So I usually just see Joe at work. I do try to babysit Jenna regularly though, so Joe and Cecile can have some free time.” “I guess being a speedster kind of helps with the exhaustion of a crawling toddler.” Caitlin smiles and Barry nods grinning. 

“So how are Nora and Iris getting along these days?” Caitlin wonders as they continue to prepare dinner. “A lot better,” Barry smiles, taking out his phone and scrolling down to a picture of the two of them and showing it to Caitlin, “Nora sent me this pic today, apparently Iris’s idea to take Nora with her to Gotham while she’s working on her article of Bruce Wayne, really paid off. I think they’re actually bonding.” “That’s good. Mother and daughter should get along.” Caitlin replies.  
“Speaking of which, “ Barry wonders, “have you heard from yours?” Caitlin sighs. “Yes, she makes the effort to call me once a week, but we only talk about our work, if I start talking about a more personal subject, she shuts me out. I feel like for every step we take forward we take two steps back,” she admits. “Just be patient I’m sure you’ll get there eventually” Barry reassures her, brushing her back for a second. She nods giving him a small smile. 

Barry watches her as she tosses the shrimp in the pan, noticing the kitchen light catching in her bracelet. He smiles at the knowledge that Caitlin has been wearing his gift every day since Christmas. He knows that he’s been toeing a line in their friendship, though still convinced that he can’t ask her for more, knowing she deserves better than a guy risking his life every day. But he’s still too selfish to keep away from her. So he keeps pushing their boundaries, kind of expecting her to shut him down at some point, but so far it hasn’t happened.  
He does feel guilty for taking up so much of her time, he knows the right thing to do would be to give her some space to meet new people and find the kind of love she deserves, but truthfully, he’s dreading that day with every fiber of his being. So he just greedily takes every moment he gets to spend with her. 

Right now, cooking dinner with Caitlin and just talking, he feels at home. With her he has always been able to be himself, since the day he met her, he never had to pretend, keep secrets, try harder. He was always at ease around her, her presence making him feel peaceful even when things were hard. He’s still ashamed that it took him this long to realize just how much she means to him. Though it should have been obvious, because whenever things got bad he has counted on her support, he always needed her. After the singularity, he had tried to do this without her, but in the end, he couldn’t, she was essential to him. Not just to patch him up or her vast knowledge and expertise, he needed her to be there, period. When things were good, he had wanted to be with Iris, but when he was grieving for his father, only Cait could snap him out of it, when things stopped being perfect in Flashpoint, he went to get her because subconsciously he knew she was a necessity to him. Without her he would have died a thousand times over, he would still be stuck in the speed force, he wouldn’t have faced his fears, overcome his doubts or have been able to become the hero he is.  
But he has been selfish for so long, chasing his happy ending, he isn’t going to repeat that mistake. So he would just enjoy the time he gets to spend with her, try to make her smile, make sure she’s happy and put his own feelings to the side.

“You okay?” Caitlin asks, noticing Barry’s absentmindedness. “Yeah” he replies smiling, “just lost in my thoughts for a second.” She returns his smile, as he helps her drain the pasta and mix it with the shrimps. They decide to eat dinner on the couch while watching their favorite show, an English production, that Cisco refuses to watch because as he puts it “it has a severe lack of action”.  
But it doesn’t take long before Barry has fallen asleep on Caitlin’s couch. Knowing how exhausting this day has been for him, she’s glad to let him crash here. She puts a blanket over him before turning in for the night herself.


	33. Chapter 33

Barry wakes to Caitlin’s screams. It takes him a second to take in his surroundings. He’s still lying on Caitlin’s couch in the middle of the night with a blanket gently draped over him. In a heartbeat, he’s by her side. She’s lying in bed, tossing, turning and whimpering, clearly in the grips of a horrible nightmare. Taking her by her shoulders, he shakes her gently. “Cait, wake up… hey, wake up” he urges her. With a jolt, she sits upright, her eyelids fluttering open, her eyes dashing around the room. He puts one hand on her face to calm her, feeling the wetness on her cheek. “You’re okay, it was just a dream, Cait, you’re okay” he soothes. Her eyes lock onto his, the horror of the nightmare still apparent on her face. “Barry?” she whispers, before touching his face as if to make sure he’s real. “You’re alive?” “I’m here, I’m okay, it was just a dream Cait, you’re okay” he keeps reassuring her until some of the tension finally leaves her and she collapses into herself. He wraps his arms around her, keeping her together. She crumbles into his chest, sobs escaping her throat. Gently rubbing her back, Barry holds her until she’s all cried out.

 

After a while, she pushes herself upright, wiping the tears from her face. “I’m sorry,” she says quietly. “You don’t have anything to apologize for,” Barry assures her while handing her his handkerchief. She smiles a little at the sight of it. “You’re only carrying this around for whenever I break down.” He chuckles. “A hero is always prepared.” Before gently adding, “do you still get nightmares a lot?” “I used to,“ she replies shaking her head, “but lately it’s been a lot better.”  
Noticing the question in his eyes, she adds with a sigh. “Zoom. After he kidnaped me I used to have these kinds of nightmares a lot, but it got better over time. After Frost killed the version he became, he only appeared in my nightmares very sporadically and lately, I thought I was rid of them for good… But I guess today kind of brought the memories back to the surface.” Barry takes her hand giving it a comforting squeeze.

“He put you through a lot, I think it’s normal to still have some nightmares. I’m still not free of the ones of Reverse Flash killing my mom or Zoom killing my dad either. These are the things that stick with you,” he acknowledges with a sigh. Caitlin nods, now giving his hand a squeeze in turn. “The thing I relive the most is the moment he told me you were dead” she finally admits in a small voice, the darkness giving her courage, “thinking you were dead that was the thing that broke me.”  
“I’m so sorry for not being able to save you from that” Barry says with a heavy voice. “It’s not your fault,” Caitlin says shaking her head, “you didn’t even have your speed. I wish I could have been there for you, helping you through it… He didn’t even tell me how you died and I was just in a numb trance, thinking that maybe if I had been there, maybe I could have done something to prevent it.” Caitlin shudders remembering this feeling of darkness taking a hold of her, paving a path for Killer Frost to come out. If she hadn’t seen Barry alive, if his light hadn’t pushed the darkness back down, she was sure she would have already turned into Frost back then.  
Barry’s thumb keeps running circles on her hand trying to soothe away some of her pain, in the darkness not noticing the white flashing in her eyes. He understands her way too well, knowing how it would feel if someone would take her away from him. Maybe she does feel for him the same way he feels for her, but it doesn’t matter. She’s already too attached to him, he can’t intertwine them even more and still keep risking his life. But he also isn’t able to walk away, so he just stays with her, until she finally falls back asleep.

 

Caitlin wakes up the next morning only to find herself face to face with one sleeping Barry Allen. Slowly she remembers her nightmare, how he had calmed her down, his presence finally chasing away the terror. When she first started to have these nightmares, it had taken everything in her not to call Barry in the middle of the night just to hear his voice and make sure he was alright, but she knew he was dealing with his own demons and she couldn’t add hers. But this time, she had woken up not only to his voice but to all of him, comforting her until she felt some scars finally start to heal. 

And then he had stayed with her until she fell asleep once more, exhausted as he was, he must have succumbed to sleep right next to her. Grateful for his presence in her life, she studies his calm features still lost in the land of dreams, smiling at the sight. Their faces are so close she can see every freckle. Noticing his arm wrapped around her waist, she wonders yet again if his feelings for her have changed. There have been some signs, but maybe she was just filling a void in his life that had appeared after he left Iris. She knows that Barry is usually enough in touch with his emotions not to bury his feelings and since she has welcomed every gesture, she is quite sure he would have told her by now if he felt the same way. She’s aware that the only way to know for sure is to tell him how she feels, but her heart has received so many cracks over the years, another one might just break it for good. So she keeps the depth of her feelings hidden, enjoying their relationship the way it is right now and holding out for a future. 

She keeps lying really still so she doesn’t wake him, not wanting to break this perfect moment, the safety of his presence, the sweetness of his touch, the closeness they don’t get to share. After a while though, his eyelids start to flutter before slowly opening completely. Caitlin’s heart stills, not knowing how he would react, too late to pretend to still be asleep, maybe she should have gotten up after all…  
“Morning” he mumbles, smiling at the sight of her like it’s completely natural for him to wake up next to her. “Morning” she smiles back at him. For a moment she thinks he’s going to lean forward, even kiss her, but then he stills, the mistiness of sleep leaving his eyes, before turning on his back, lifting his arm from her waist and using it to rub the sleep from his face. “No more nightmares?” he asks a little awkwardly. “No” she replies softly, “and thank you.” 

Realizing that she hasn’t moved away from him, Barry turns back to his side, facing her. “I’m always here for you,” he says softly, “you know that right?” She nods. “I do.” “Good, because I need you to know that you can tell me anything,” he presses on. “I know,” she agrees.  
“Then why didn’t you tell me about the nightmares?” Barry wants to know. “I told you I haven’t had them in a while” she shrugs. “But you never told me about them, not even in the beginning. I knew you were shaken after Zoom but I didn’t know how bad it was. You should have told me,” he insists. Caitlin sighs. “Zoom had just taken your father from you, we were fighting to save the world from him, … you were dealing with enough, I couldn’t add my problems to your plate.” “Cait, I don’t care if the whole world is falling apart around us, if something’s bothering you, I need you to tell me. You always do that, you put everybody’s problems first even when you need help. You hid your nightmares, you hid your powers, you never asked for help. Please don’t keep doing that. Promise me you’ll let me in,” he pleads eyes filled with worry, trying to assuage his own guilt for not noticing when she needed help in the past, vowing he wouldn’t repeat his mistakes. “I promise,” Caitlin whispers before adding in a lighter tone, “but saving the world will always come first, Flash.” He rolls his eyes at her stubbornness, but smiles nonetheless, she has a point after all. 

 

At that moment her cell phone starts vibrating, she rolls over and picks up. “Hey, Cisco. What’s up?” Barry can hear Cisco’s voice through the phone. “Caitlin, where are you? Barry didn’t come home last night and I can’t reach him and there’s some serious criminal activity going on.” No wonder Cisco couldn’t reach him with his cellphone still lying in the living room. Sighing he turns and climbs out of bed, listening to Caitlin’s stammering answers. “No, I’m on my way… I ehm I overslept… no, don’t worry, Barry’s fine… How do I know?... Well I…” she looks around at him for help, but Barry just shrugs at her with a grin. Rolling her eyes, she continues. “He just came by here… well ehm to check on me… because I overslept…I don’t know Cisco, maybe his cell phone is dead…. Look we’ll be right there, okay?” she says before hanging up. “We?” Cisco’s voice says before he was cut off. Barry can’t contain his laughter anymore, seeing Caitlin all flustered is too much fun. “Well, thanks for the help” she huffs. He puts up his hands. “This is not my fault. I didn’t tell you to lie.” “Sure, because the truth would have been easier,” she scoffs, “I’m still in bed Cisco, but don’t worry, Barry’s right next to me. Yeah, no follow up questions to that one.” She adds sarcastically while grinning at the same time. Seeing Barry all disheveled in her bedroom tugs at her heartstrings. They grin at each other for another moment, before Barry says “I should probably get to Starlabs.” “Right, yes” she agrees and watches him flash away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys, so I don't want to make any promises, but I think the next part might be the last part of this story :) I'm still in the middle of writing it, so it may take me a while before uploading it, but I'll do my best not to make you wait too long. Feel free to comment, it always speeds up my writing process :)


	34. Part Eight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone. I can't believe I actually got 100 kudos for my story <3 <3 <3 I'm so honored :) Thank you all so much for your support :)   
> I'm actually editing the last part, but it isn't completely finished yet and I don't want to rush myself, so I decided to split the last part in two and already upload the first smaller part in honor of this occasion :)  
> Hope you enjoy :)

A month later, Barry wakes up to find sunlight streaming through the window. Surprised he realizes that he overslept and rubbing the sleep from his eyes, he notices that his alarm is turned off. Confused he takes a quick shower and gets dressed. Cisco seems to have already left without bothering to wake him. He checks his phone only to find no new messages. Today of all days… suspicion starts to rise within him. No way would his friends forget about his birthday, Cisco might, but Caitlin hasn’t forgotten a single meaningful event in his life, his birthday being at the top of the list. So he decides to just go about his routine, to get coffee from Jitters and head over to Starlabs to see what’s going on.  
Before he leaves, he goes through the pack of mail on the kitchen counter, a big brown envelope catching his eye. When he opens it and starts reading the content, his heart plummets… divorce papers. Today of all days he doesn’t want to be reminded of his failed marriage. Sighing, he grabs a pen and signs them, before putting them back in the envelope, thinking with a grim smile that Iris has never been good at giving gifts, but this is by far the worst. Shaking his head, trying to put this out of his mind and enjoy his birthday, he heads out.

As suspected, he is greeted at Starlabs with balloons and screams of “surprise” as all of his friends await him. Joe pulls him in a big hug, with Cisco and Caitlin following suit. “Happy Birthday” she whispers in his neck and he holds onto her just a little bit longer than usual, thinking it just might be. Grinning he then hugs a beaming Felicity and an Oliver who is clearly torn between happy to be here and worried not to be somewhere else. Even Kara has found her way from earth thirty-eight to wish him a happy birthday. “Careful you’re crushing me,” Barry exclaims as Kara hugs him tightly. “Oh don’t whine, you heal fast, Flash, “ she grins, but loosens her grip nonetheless. Iris comes over to give him a hug as well, her sight bringing back the thoughts of the divorce papers, but he quickly chases them away, returning her hug, while ignoring Ralph’s jokes about getting older. Then it’s Nora’s turn to hug him tightly, before Cisco and Caitlin wheel in a giant cake in form of a lightning bolt under the chants of “Happy Birthday”. “Make a wish” Felicity shouts as he starts blowing out the candles on his cake which thanks to Cisco’s handiwork is harder than it should be.

“This cake is so bitching,” Nora squeals, as Caitlin plugs out the last candles and starts cutting pieces for everyone. “And really delicious,” Joe adds after taking his first bite. “Thanks” Caitlin mumbles blushing a little at the praise. “Wait, did you bake it yourself?” Barry asks surprised. “Yeah” Caitlin just nods matter-of-factly. “Impressive” Oliver praises her. “And that without your freezing powers” Felicity adds grinning. Barry just looks at Caitlin, his heart swelling. “Thank you” he mouths. “You’re welcome” she replies soundlessly.  
Cisco then goes on to make a big show about revealing the new upgraded flash suit – birthday edition. He has finally managed to pull it off and squeeze it into the ring. Excited, they take turns inspecting the ring and Barry has to phase into his suit more than once. Looking around, his heart swells at the sight of all his friends, though his life hasn’t turned out the way he thought it would, he is very grateful for it. “Picture time!” Kara announces as they all scramble to take a group photo.

“I’m really sorry to do this Barry, but we already have to go,” Oliver explains a little later with an apologetic look, “things are heating up in Star City and we really need to head back.” “No worries,” Barry replies, knowing only too well what that was like, “I’m really glad you guys were able to make it.” “Thanks to Cisco’s breaches, it’s even faster than your speed” Felicity grins. “Felicity Smoak!” Barry exclaims pretending to be offended “how can you possibly say that, nothing is faster than my speed.” Chuckling they hug before Cisco opens up a breach and sends their friends back home.  
Joe and Iris use this opportunity to leave as well, needing to head into work. “Don’t worry, Barry,” Joe assures him, “Captain Singh knows not to count on you today. Just enjoy your birthday.” “Thanks” Barry replies with a smile.  
“So how have you been?” Barry asks, stepping next to Kara. “I’m okay,” she smiles, “I miss Winn a lot though.” “I can only imagine,” Barry says sympathetically. “And you?” she inquires in turn. “Good. I’m really glad I got to see everybody today. It’s nice to spend time together without having to save the world,” he admits. “True” Kara chuckles fondly.  
“I think Nora is a little starstruck with you” Barry adds, noticing the way Nora watches them. Kara blushes. “I know, she knows so much about me, even things I don’t even know yet, it’s really weird.” “Tell me about it!” Barry groans though grinning widely.  
Later on, Kara says her goodbye’s as well, not able to stay away from her earth any longer. “Do you mind if I come with you?” Nora asks still fascinated with her, “I would love to meet everyone and visit the DEO.” “Sure” Kara shrugs grinning. “Be careful,” Barry warns. “Don’t worry, I’ll be back by tonight. Just a quick parallel earth day trip,” Nora beams excitedly. After saying goodbye to everyone, they disappear together through another breach.

“So I have some news,” Ralph proclaims as they are about to wrap up, while downing the last piece of cake, “I have officially opened up my own private detective agency.” “Congratulations man,” Cisco says giving him a high five, while Caitlin and Barry share a look clearly thinking, leave it to Ralph to make Barry’s birthday about himself. “Where are you setting up shop?” Caitlin inquires. Ralph blushes a little before replying “Waymore.” “How come?” Cisco wants to know. “Look you guys are my peeps, “ Ralph explains, „but I just feel like it’s time for me to go back to my roots… also, my high school girlfriend may or may not be single again.” Grinning, Barry shakes his head. “So when are you going to leave?” “Next week” Ralph replies. Barry gets up and holds out his hand to Ralph. “I hope you find what you’re looking for. Just know that you’re always welcome here and we’re only a call away if you ever need anything.” “Thanks” Ralph replies, shaking Barry’s hand with fervor.

Afterwards Ralph drags Cisco to his workshop trying to convince him to give him some tech he desperately needs for his P.I business, leaving Barry and Caitlin to clean up in the cortex. “Are you okay?” Caitlin wonders putting a hand on his shoulder. “Sure,” he replies. “It’s just... you seem sadder than you should considering it’s your birthday,“ she goes on. Barry sighs. “I signed the divorce papers that came today, “ he admits. “I’m sorry, Barry. That’s terrible timing.” “It just sucks to be reminded of so many regrets today,” he sighs. “I understand,” Caitlin says trying to comfort him, “but you can’t dwell on what you could have done differently to save your marriage.” “What?” he wonders confused, “No. I regret ever having married her in the first place. If I hadn’t been so blind, I could have realized the mistake I was making. Now I actually had to get a divorce…it’s not something I take lightly.” “You still can’t dwell on the past, “ Caitlin presses on, “try living in the present, it’s nice here.” He looks at her and returns her smile, it was nice here.

At that moment Cisco returns. “So where do you want to go tonight, Barry?” he demands. “Tonight?” Barry asks confused. “Yeah” Cisco goes on, “the three of us are going out to celebrate of course.” “I don’t know Cisco, “ Barry says hesitantly, “this was such a nice surprise of you guys, but I don’t think I’m really up for going out tonight.” Cisco looks at him aghast. “It’s your birthday, dude. Of course, we’re going out. No discussion, “ he says dismissively. Seeing Barry’s still unconvinced face and knowing what’s really weighing on him, Caitlin chimes in. “It might be fun and it would be good to take your mind off things.” Barry looks at her and starts nodding, he could never say no to her, if she wants to go then he’s in. “Alright, Central City bars here we come!” Cisco cheers.


	35. Chapter 35

Later that night, the trio sits down at a table in a crowded bar. “Here you go,” Cisco says after the waitress has brought over their drinks, and hands a serum to Barry, “your own special alcohol concoction.” “I don’t know Cisco,“ Barry states uneasy, “last time really didn’t turn out well.” “Don’t worry” Caitlin reassures him, “this time I looked over the formula, you might need to drink it a few times over the night but you will only get buzzed not wasted” she adds with a side look to Cisco, who just grins unremorsefully. “You sure?” Barry wants to know while taking the offered liquid. “I am,“ Caitlin nods, “and Ralph and Nora are on superhero duty, so don’t worry.”  
“Well then, “Barry says while raising his glass, “Here’s to being divorced before being thirty.” Caitlin raises her glass as well and adds “or widowed.” Cisco just sighs. ”Wow, you guys can be so depressing.” But clinks his glass to theirs nonetheless. “With that attitude, I think I’m gonna go get us some shots to get this evening started,” Cisco grumbles before heading towards the bar. Barry and Caitlin just look at each other grinning. 

“I actually haven’t had a chance to give you your gift yet,” Caitlin points out before getting a box out of her purse and offering it to him. Barry takes it from her and opens it to find tickets for a concert of his favorite band… except the band had broken up years ago. His younger self had been crushed when the band dissolved after only two albums, which he still listened too regularly. “But…” Barry starts before Caitlin interrupts. “They still exist on earth thirty-eight. I did some research and had Kara pick them up for me. Here,” she adds and pushes a USB stick, shaped like a lightning bolt, over to him, “here are all the songs they still published over there.” “Wow, thanks Cait, this is great!” Barry replies beaming and pulls her in a tight hug. 

“Do you see that girl at the bar?” Cisco demands as he returns with their shots. His friends nod as they look in the indicated direction. “I think she smiled at me,” Cisco adds. “So? Did you talk to her?” Caitlin wants to know. “Are you kidding, with my luck, she’ll end up being an evil alien or a bloody sorceress!” Cisco exclaims. “So you’re just going to ignore her?” Barry wonders surprised. “I’m not stupid either. But this needs to be handled with care, “Cisco says pensively, “Barry, I’m gonna need you to take a picture of her face.” Barry raises his eyebrows, but Caitlin just shrugs at Cisco’s determined face. Entering Flash time, Barry quickly takes the requested picture. “Now I’m just gonna run it through facial recognition… hmm no match… if I widen the search… still no match” Cisco mumbles while typing on his phone. “I think you’ve run out of excuses not to go talk to her” Caitlin grins. Cisco blushes. “Maybe you’re right” he replies nervously. “Here,” Barry says and pushes Cisco’s glass towards him with a side glance to Caitlin, “take some liquid courage with you.” Caitlin grins remembering their karaoke night fondly. Taking a big sip, Cisco takes off towards the bar once more. Draining their glasses as well, Barry and Caitlin watch him walk up to the girl.  
“Wow you’re right, this definitely keeps me buzzed” Barry smiles while taking another sip. “Well I’m glad I’m not the only one who’s buzzed,” Caitlin replies grinning. “Too bad, they don’t do karaoke here” Barry teases her. “Yeah, too bad,” she smirks sarcastically. “But they do dance here” Barry adds smiling widely, nodding his head to the dancefloor. “Oh, I don’t know, Barry…” but she doesn’t get a chance to finish voicing her concerns, for Barry has already grabbed her hand and pulled her with him. 

Together they make their way to the dance floor, where they start moving to the surprisingly good music. Caitlin can’t help but admire Barry’s dance moves, he always seems so light on his feet, maybe it was a side effect of being a speedster. Though she’s self-conscious at first, with the alcohol coursing through her blood, she loosens up quickly, joining Barry in the rhythmic movements. It is easy to forget about the rest of the bar, when Barry would take her hands and twist and twirl her around, beaming at her with every turn.  
Dancing with Caitlin puts Barry in a great mood, forgotten are the divorce papers and his regrets, as he enjoys this moment. He loves being able to touch her hands or her hips inconspicuously. He actually finds himself wishing he was in a movie about a prom or something, where the music would just suddenly change to a slow for no apparent reason, but unfortunately this is real life and the music is going to stay upbeat, so he won’t have the chance to hold her close and sway to the music. But this is still the second-best thing, holding her hands and seeing her laugh.

But suddenly he spots a guy, who was making his way through the dancefloor carrying glasses of beer, getting bumped by another person. In slow motion Barry sees the beer spilling over and in Caitlin’s direction. Quickly he pulls her close and out of the liquid’s way, but still tipsy, he stumbles and falls backwards onto the floor, pulling Caitlin with him.  
One second Caitlin was dancing, the next she’s lying on top of Barry’s chest on the floor, everything completely silent around her. “Barry?” she whispers, but only receives a moan as an answer. “Are we in danger?” she continues in a hushed voice, unsure what was happening. “No” he groans and loosens his grip around her. Lifting her head and seeing everything unmoving, she realizes that they are in Flash Time. “I’m sorry,” Barry mumbles sheepishly, “I just wanted to get you away from the spilling beer, but I don’t know, I stumbled, I guess.” Turning her head, she sees the referenced beer and understands what happened. When she looks back, Barry has lifted his head and she is looking straight into his eyes. She’s still lying on top of him, his hands steadying her arms. They just look at each other, neither of them moving. But then Barry breaks the moment and sits up, pulling Caitlin with him. “I think you were right, vodka and superspeed don’t mix,” he jokes trying to ease the tension that built up between them. Chuckling, Caitlin moves away and sits down next to him. Barry then stands up and offers his hand to pull Caitlin up as well, but as he does so, a wince escapes his lips. Alarmed, his doctor steps behind him and analyzes his head. “It’s nothing Caitlin, I just hit my head,” Barry reassures her. “Hmpf, hitting your head is hardly nothing,” she scolds but is mollified when she sees that it’s just a bump. “Maybe we should get you some ice” she offers, but Barry catches her arm before she can walk away. “First we need to get you out of Flash Time, you’re going to burn up” he states and directs her back to where they were dancing, just out of reach of the spilling fluid. The room is once again filled with laughter, music, the shattering of glass and the sounds of startled and apologetic voices. Taking this as their cue, they move back to their table, before Caitlin leaves to get the promised ice for the speedster’s head. 

“Good night, Barry,” Caitlin says while opening her front door after Barry has walked her back to her apartment. After the fall, they had decided that walking might be safer than speeding. “Good night, Cait,” Barry responds, “and thanks for a great birthday.” “I’m glad you enjoyed yourself,” she replies while turning back to face him. “With you? Always” he declares smiling at her. She returns his smile, looking like she’s considering something, before leaning in and giving him a kiss on the cheek. “Happy Birthday, Barry” she whispers, before walking inside and closing the door. Grinning broadly, Barry touches his cheek, before speeding home with new energy.


	36. Part Nine

Barry walks into Starlabs to find Caitlin standing in front of the window in her lab and gazing outside. Surprised to see her idle, he walks up to her and hands her the coffee, but she only reacts once he adds a good morning. “Hi,” she says turning his way, but the smile on her face can’t hide her sadness. “Are you okay?” Barry asks concerned. “Sure” she replies brushing off his worry and walking back to her station. “Cait, please tell me what’s wrong” he urges her, “you promised you wouldn’t shut me out.” Sighing, she faces him. “It’s nothing really, it’s just my dad, again,” she starts, “today is the anniversary of his death… or faking of his death I guess. I don’t know… we still haven’t found him, so maybe he actually is dead, even if he didn’t die back then, he could have died by now.” She stops as her voice starts quivering slightly. “Don’t say that I’m sure we’ll find him. With Felicity looking, Starlabs’ satellites, Joe’s BOLO, Cisco’s vibes and my running around… at some point, we’ll get lucky, trust me,” Barry tries to comfort her and pulls her into a hug. 

Holding her, his eyes land on the framed picture taken on his birthday, that Caitlin has put on her desk. Looking at all their friends, with all their powers and capabilities, he doesn’t understand how they haven’t found Caitlin’s dad yet. He feels like he searched the whole planet for him, but even the Flash isn’t fast enough to look everywhere at once. But with the help of Team Arrow, they should have found him by now. His eyes wander from Oliver to Felicity over to Kara; Supergirl, unfortunately, couldn’t help much from her earth… her earth… what if…

Barry suddenly pulls back and looks at Caitlin, excitement in his eyes. “What?” she asks taken aback. “How could we have been so stupid!” Barry says head shaking, “We’ve been looking for your father everywhere on this earth, with all of our powers, right?” Caitlin nods listening. “So what if he isn’t on this earth… what if he’s…” “On another earth,” Caitlin finishes his thought, realization dawning on her. “Of course, it’s the only logical explanation,” she exclaims, eyes open wide. Barry grins proudly, before adding. “I know this just makes it more difficult to find him, but at least we have a new lead.” Caitlin just nods her head excited. “This is great, Barry. I need to go tell Cisco, this opens up so many possibilities!” She turns to walk away, then turns back again and gives Barry a quick kiss on the cheek. “Thank you” she smiles and leaves to find Cisco.

 

 

The Flash ducks quickly, dodging the bullets flying everywhere. Apparently, criminals still think that with the right amount of bullets, one just might hit him, despite his speed. The logic is sound, but in the end, it only leads to Barry taking a little longer to apprehend them, having to avoid the shots first. As their ammunition runs out, the Flash closes in on the three bank robbers, finally able to cuff them.   
“Why don’t you ever learn?” Barry demands, smirking, “no more bank robbing in Central City. Not as long as I’m around.” “That might not be as long as you think, Flash” the burly looking one of the bunch cries out defiantly. “Yeah right,” Barry says sarcastically, not noticing the shorter criminal spitting on him before it hits his face. “Eeh, disgusting” the Flash grumbles while wiping his face, “where are your manners? Seriously, just because you are felons, doesn’t mean you have to be rude.” What he didn’t notice is the minuscule drone that landed on his suit at the same time and stuck him just as the spit hit.

 

After the criminals are taken into custody by the police, Barry flashes back to Starlabs. Sitting down on the gurney, with his cowl down, he lets Caitlin do her usual after-mission check-up. “Did any bullets hit or graze you?” she asks right away. “Dr. Snow you’re offending my pride,” he jokes. Chuckling, she goes on with her examination. 

But just at that moment, a voice rings from the entrance. “At long last, Flash!” Turning, Barry spots an unknown figure in the door, aiming a gun at them. In a swift motion, Barry gets up and stands in front of Caitlin, shielding her from view; except it wasn’t a quick motion, he only managed to move at normal speed. Alarmed he tries to phase, but nothing. “You didn’t think I would come unprepared, did you, Flash?” the stranger smirks at him, holding up a little device, like a detonator. “You thought you did so great,“ he goes on, “but wasn’t catching these bank robbers just a bit too easy? Not only did I manage to put a tracker on you, but I also injected you with a power dampening serum. Now we can see how well you hold your own without your powers, Flash.” The stranger starts laughing. 

Alarmed, Barry’s head races through his options, but with Cisco on Earth 19 talking to the Breacher Council about Caitlin’s dad, and her powers still dormant, there isn’t much they can do. Slowly, he moves backwards, steering Caitlin behind the gurney. Catching his idea, she helps him push the gurney towards the stranger, running to the other exit. Grabbing her hand, Barry urges Caitlin forward, but just as they turn into the hallway, they run into five hooded figures, waiting for them. They quickly grab the pair, holding onto them with ease, even as Barry and Caitlin struggle to break free. “Again, did you think I came here unprepared?” the stranger walks back into view. He’s a short, corpulent fellow with no hair, dressed immaculately in a suit and tie. So far, he hasn’t exhibited any powers, but that doesn’t help their current situation. The hooded figures hold them even tighter as their boss approaches and injects Barry and Caitlin with a sedative. Succumbing to it quickly, Barry is just aware of them being dragged off before unconsciousness takes over.


	37. Chapter 37

Caitlin lifts her head carefully, trying to make out her surroundings. She’s alone in a small dark room that’s completely barren. Sitting up, leaning her back against the stone walls, she tries to analyze the situation. Clearly, she is being held prisoner in a sort of cell, there is only one door, solid steel, as far as she can tell. Her body is still weak from the sedative, her mind slowly catching up with her situation. But before terror can set in, her thoughts are disrupted by a commotion outside. Caitlin can hear some noises growing louder, footsteps maybe, a voice, …

Then with a loud clank, the door is pulled open. Blinking against the onslaught of light from the hallway, Caitlin can only make out a broad figure, dragging or rather tossing something, no someone into the room. A second later, the door is shut again, leaving Caitlin alone with the figure lying on the floor. While her eyes are still adjusting to the sudden darkness, the figure lets out a moan that makes her heart stop. “Barry?” she whispers voice caught in her throat. “Cait?” the figure starts turning in her direction. “Barry!” she cries out, now recognizing the outlines of his Flash suit, and rushes over to him.  
Her momentary relief at his sight quickly fades when she sees the bruises on his face, the dried blood, the muddied suit. Through gritted teeth, Barry heaves himself in an upright position, reaching out with his hands till he finds Caitlin’s, his eyes running over her searchingly. “Oh thank god, you’re alright,” he sighs, taking in her disheveled but unharmed look. “But you’re not” she states, trying to quell the waver in her voice. She pulls her hands out of his grip, only to slowly run them over his face, his back, his stomach, trying to gauge the damage that was done to him. “I’m fine” Barry tries to reassure her, “nothing’s broken. I think they just wanted to show me how powerless I am without my speed.” Caitlin tries to swallow back the lump in her throat, seeing Barry this hurt, without his healing powers, not being able to help him… 

“I was so worried they were hurting you as well,” Barry admits, softly putting one hand on her arm, “not knowing, unable to protect you…” He swallows, his voice growing harder. “I can take not being able to defend myself, but if I can’t protect you…” “It’s going to be okay, Barry,” Caitlin cuts him off, “we might not have any powers, but we still got our smarts. We’ll figure a way out of this, we always figure out a way.” Though she is trying to convince herself as much as him. He nods, feeling a little better, when he notices the wetness in her eyes. So he lifts his arm and tucks her close to him, ignoring the pain every move causes him. Caitlin edges closer to him, comforted by his presence and the steady beating of his heart. “At least this time we got kidnapped together,” Barry says jokingly and her lips curl into a smile despite herself.

 

After a while, Caitlin decides that this wallowing isn’t helping their situation. Though she doesn’t want to distance herself from Barry, she gets up nonetheless and starts to search the room. “No, stay and rest,” she orders as she hears Barry trying to get up as well, “I’ll take a look around, you need to heal.” Realizing that she’s right, Barry slumps back down and watches her work. Slowly she glides her hand around the door and the hinges, but she can’t find any weakness. The smooth walls surrounding them don’t offer anything either, no cracks, no splits, just concrete. There is no window, no vent, only a little crack under the door, not even big enough to fit a finger. Sighing Caitlin stops her fruitless inspection and sits back down next to Barry.  
“I don’t think there’s a way out of here, not without powers anyway,” she admits resigned. “Don’t worry, they won’t keep us in here forever,” Barry reassures her, “we just need to be vigilant and try to find an opportunity to escape.” Caitlin nods. “I’m just worried what they’ll do to you,” she mumbles feeling so helpless without her medical equipment. “I can take it,” Barry says through gritted teeth, “as long as they leave you alone.” “I can take it too,” she promises and takes Barry’s hand in hers and gives it a squeeze. But he won’t let go of her hand, so they just stay next to each other, holding hands.

“Remember Blackout?” Barry asks a little later. “Yeah, I have been reminded of that as well,“ Caitlin nods looking down at their interlocking hands. “No powers, stuck in a dark room,…“ Barry reminisces. “But at least we had Cisco and Dr. Wells and the equipment of Starlabs, “ Caitlin sighs. “Yeah, but we are way more experienced now,” Barry grins. “Sure, 5 years and just as many kidnappings later… I guess I will just put ‘good at being kidnapped’ in my resume,” she deadpans. Chuckling, Barry tilts his head touching hers.  
“I’m sorry I got you into this whole thing” he continues in a more solemn tone. “You couldn’t have known they were tracking you.” “No, I mean into this whole Flash business. Look at all you’ve been through because I wanted to fight crime. I never should have gotten you involved, “ Barry says with a heavy voice. “Don’t be stupid,” she scoffs, “I helped build the particle accelerator, you’re in this mess because of me not the other way round. Being on Team Flash, helping people, is the best part of my life, no matter the danger it brings with it. I would never want to have to give that part of my life up. Because of you, my life has a real purpose.” “Because of you, so does mine,” Barry responds before they keep sitting in silence.

 

The door of their cell opens abruptly, startling Barry and Caitlin. Again the hooded figures grab them before they can do anything. They tie their hands behind their backs and drag them outside. Barry’s struggling against the binds, but he only injures himself more. Blinking he tries to adjust to the bright light in the hallway, as he stumbles to keep up with the pace of his guards. He can see Caitlin being pushed down the hallway in front of him, tripping as one of them shoves her, trying to make her go faster. They violently yank her back up, a hiss escaping her lips. Again Barry fights to break free, ignoring his bruises, but his captors have a tight hold on him. His heart is beating fast, worried about what they will do to Caitlin.

They are pushed onto two chairs in another empty room, two guards at either side of them, as their boss enters the room. The bald guy stands in front of them with an evil grin on his face, studying them calmly. “What do you want from us?” Caitlin hisses coldly. The gangster steps closer to her, bends down and smacks her across the face. Wincing, Caitlin’s head flies backwards from the force of the hit. “You don’t speak unless spoken to,” he says calmly. Barry tries to lunge forward but is pushed back onto his chair forcefully. Thrashing against his captors, not even feeling his own pain, he shouts. “Don’t touch her!”  
Looking over at him, the man smirks. “Trying to protect your girlfriend, Flash?” Barry just stares at him, trying to convey the hatred he feels for this stranger. “When I get my powers back, you’ll regret this!” he states trying to keep his voice even.

Chuckling, the crime boss bends down and looks Barry in the eyes. “I don’t think you know who you’re talking to, Flash. So let me introduce myself, I’m Shawn Manzini and I’ve been waiting for this moment for five years. You see, success lies in preparation and I’ve been preparing for a long time. Building my crime syndicate right under your nose with you none the wiser.” Manzini chuckles darkly. “Do you know how difficult it was to keep this operation hidden? But I did it, I build an empire. But I knew I needed more than manpower to take down the scarlet speedster, so I bid my time until I found scientists that managed to build me this little beauty.” He holds out the device he had in his hand when he had first walked into Starlabs. “Now you see with the tracker inside of you, this allows me do dampen your powers indefinitely and at will.”

He eyes his device proudly, before turning back to Caitlin. “So, tell me, princess, who are you?” But she just stares back at him without a word. Manzini’s eyes tighten as he takes Caitlin’s chin in his hand, slowly letting his thumb trail her red burning cheek. Barry starts struggling more fervently, scared of what he’ll do to her. “I told you to leave her alone!” he shouts. Ignoring Barry, the crime boss goes on. “It might be better to answer me, princess, unless you want your other cheek to match colors. Tell me why you were with the Flash!” Eyeing him carefully, Caitlin slowly replies. “I’m his doctor.” Manzini claps his hands together. “Ah, that’s excellent news, young lady, just excellent news.”  
“Let her go!” Barry implores him, “you don’t need her, you have me.” “I do have you and I didn’t need her, but you see, Flash, my plans have changed.” Turning to his henchman, he adds. “Take them to the medical suite, let her treat him and give them new clothes. I will need the Flash to be presentable after all.” Chuckling darkly, he leaves the room as Barry and Caitlin are once more grabbed and dragged off.

 

Once again, Caitlin’s tending to Barry’s wounds, washing away the dried blood, putting a salve on his bruises, giving him something against the pain. They have indeed been put in a medical suite, except there are no windows and yet another steel door. After wasting some time looking for an escape, they have resigned to making the best of the situation, getting cleaned up, changing clothes and treating their wounds.  
Barry is carefully holding an ice pack to Caitlin’s face, pain in his eyes. “I’m sorry,“ he mumbles yet again. “Stop apologizing for things out of your control, Barry,” she tells him rolling her eyes, “I’m fine, I promise.”  
“I wonder what his changed plans are, tough” Caitlin muses while taking the ice pack from Barry. Sighing, he sits down next to her and watches her fiddle with her new clothes, jeans and a light sweater, that is too big for her. “I wonder why his plans changed. If they hadn’t, maybe he would have let you go,” Barry ponders. Caitlin scoffs. “I’m pretty sure if he didn’t need me, he would kill me, not let me go.” Frustrated Barry gets back up and paces the room. “I hate feeling so powerless. He hit you, he threatened you and there was nothing I could do.” Caitlin puts down the ice pack and walks up to him, putting her hands on his dark grey shirt, trying to calm him. “Hey, we’ll get through this, okay? Whatever his plans are, they involve us alive, which buys us time to find a way to escape. Your powers aren’t gone, they’re just dampened by his device, maybe we can find a way to turn it off or something.” Barry nods grimly. “You’re right, we’ll find a way.”

 

Suddenly the door is opened and in walks Manzini, flanked by several henchmen holding guns at them. Barry takes a step in front of Caitlin, shielding her, though sudden movements still hurt him like hell. “Ah you look so much better, perfect,” Manzini states while gesturing his men to tie them up anew. “What do you want from us?” Caitlin asks once more, ignoring Barry’s worried looks. Manzini takes a threatening step towards her, while Barry tries to break free, but Caitlin just coldly stares at him, showing no fear. Grinning at her reaction, the crime boss abruptly turns around and punches Barry in the gut, who doubles over instantly. “No!” Caitlin screams, kicking her guard in the crotch and actually managing to wrestle free long enough to run to Barry. “Are you okay?” she demands eyes wide with fear before the henchmen grab her once more. The one she kicked burying his fingers deep in her arms that it hurt.

“Interesting” Manzini states unflinching, “I was wondering if your girlfriend was as coldhearted as she looks, Flash, but clearly she cares for you too. This will serve me well.” Barry just looks up at him with hatred but trying to reign in his temper, realizing that upsetting the crime boss wasn’t doing them any favors. “But I guess I can let you in on my little plan, Mr. Allen” Manzini stresses his name, chuckling darkly. Barry is cursing on the inside, realizing that Mancini has found out his identity, as the crime boss goes on. “You see, I was going to kill you after some questioning, but it turns out that my men really enjoyed beating up the Flash. So I thought to myself, if they enjoyed it, there must be other people who would enjoy beating you up or seeing the Flash get beaten up. They might even pay me some good money for it.” Caitlin’s eyes grow wide with fear, realizing they were going to beat Barry up, repeatedly. She struggles against her restraints more forcefully, but the guards only grab her harder.  
“So, you don’t need her for your plan, just let her go” Barry pleads with their capturer, but he only laughs. “No, you see, I think your doctor will come in very handy. I mean, the faster you heal, the faster you can get beat up again, the more money I make.” His eyes tighten as he holds up his own gun. “And if either one of you thinks they can make trouble, the other one’s going to pay for it,” he threatens before walking out, his men dragging Barry and Caitlin along behind him.


	38. Chapter 38

Caitlin trashes against her binds, but they don’t give. Trying to catch a glance at Barry, she receives a kick in the back every time she tries to turn around. Her face is still sore, her wrists are chafed, but they still tighten them even more as they bind her to a column facing an arena. Looking around frantically, she can’t find Barry anywhere. All she sees are rows and rows of people encircling the arena. The arena where Barry is going to be beaten… Swallowing down her rising panic, she tries to take in her surroundings, looking for a weak spot. 

They seem to be in a giant warehouse, metal and steel surrounding them, guards by the doors. The hopelessness of their situation comes crashing down on her as the people start cheering loudly. Her head whips in the other direction, spotting Barry, or rather the Flash, since they have put him back in his now clean suit, being hauled to the center of the platform. He’s struggling to break free, his eyes searching the room until they find hers. Meeting her gaze, he relaxes a little, as a kind of calm takes a hold of her as well. No matter what, they are still in this together. 

As Manzini steps into the arena, talking up the crowd, Barry keeps looking at Caitlin. While three big brutish looking guys enter the arena to wild cheering, they still hold each other’s gazes. Caitlin can feel her tears threatening to spill over as Barry gives her a small comforting smile, his eyes trying to convey so many emotions. She can sense rather than see the first guy swing back his fist. All her instincts tell her to shut her eyes, but she is unable to look away, Barry’s eyes rooting her in place. He doesn’t flinch, doesn’t move, just stares at Caitlin, as the first fist connects to his face. 

 

“Baaaarrryyy!!!” A scream escapes Caitlin’s lips, barely audible over the cheering of the onlookers, as she struggles to break free yet again. She can feel her blood starting to flow where the binds cut into her wrists, but it doesn’t even register as she’s forced to watch every kick, every punch Barry receives. As another fist makes contact with his face, Barry doubles over, only to get kicked in the side. Though impossible over the noise of the applause, Caitlin could swear she heard his ribs cracking. He isn’t even trying to defend himself, knowing full well why they put Caitlin in his line of sight. Sobbing and screaming, completely helpless, she can’t look away, not when Barry’s lips start bleeding, not when another rib cracks, not even when he doesn’t get up anymore…  
Just when she’s convinced that he won’t survive this, Manzini stops the fight or rather the spectacle, promising the crowd a sequel. Caitlin doesn’t know who cut her loose or when, but she finds herself running towards Barry, throwing herself down next to him, her hands automatically applying first aid as she keeps whispering once more. “Stay with me, Barry, stay with me, …”

 

“You need to provide me with an ultrasound machine and a CT scanner,” Caitlin states fiercely as she stares Manzini down. He just returns the glare with a calculating look. “I don’t *need* to do anything,” he replies coldly. “If you want me to patch up your golden goose, you do,” Caitlin snaps, “I can’t do that without the right medical equipment. Unless you have some hidden x-ray vision power and can diagnose internal bleeding,” she adds sarcastically. Fixing her with his stare for a moment longer, Manzini finally gives in. “Fine, you’ll get what you need. Don’t make me regret, keeping you alive,” he snarls before walking out with his guards and shutting the door behind him.

Left alone in the room with a still unconscious Barry, Caitlin breaks down. Hot tears are running down her face, sobs escaping her lips, as she sits down on the chair next to Barry’s bed. It has been nearly ten hours since Barry has been knocked out and he still hasn’t regained consciousness. His injuries seem even worse than before, his skin covered with bruises. Caitlin has done everything she could to treat his injuries, but without his speed healing, she isn’t sure how long he will take to recover. Scared that Manzini will put him back in the arena the moment he wakes up, but even more terrified that he won’t wake up, Caitlin has been monitoring him every second, not resting or sleeping herself.

Over time she has gotten used to waiting by his bedside for him to wake up, but that was when he had his powers, when she had the Starlabs equipment and when she had the support of her friends. This time she is only holding on by a thread, fear having taken a hold inside her, threatening to split her open. Only the knowledge that Barry’s life depends on her has given her the strength to keep going and stand up to their captors.

Wiping her tears away, she gets up to run another test, keep herself busy, when she hears a groan escaping Barry’s lips. Unable to breathe, she moves close to him and puts her hand on his arm. “Barry?” she whispers tentatively. “Cait?” he moans as he slowly opens her eyes. Relief flooding through her system, a smile widens on her face as the tears are yet again streaming down her cheeks. “How are you feeling?” she asks trying to steady her voice, handing him some water, which he drinks gratefully. Sitting up slowly, grimacing with every move, he replies. “Well, everything hurts.” But noticing her worried expression, he quickly adds. “I’m okay.” Caitlin nods, still unconvinced. “Hey,” he says gently while taking her hand in his, “I promise, I’ll be fine. Are you okay, though?” he asks taking in her appearance. “Yes…no… I… you were out for hours and I didn’t have my equipment, I tried to… but… and you wouldn’t wake up and… I’m so scared, Barry,” she whispers her voice catching. Barry just pulls her down, wrapping his arms around her tightly, ignoring the stabbing pain. As she’s lying next to him, Barry holds her close, murmuring soft words in her hair, trying to ease her fear and pain and simultaneously easing his own.

 

Barry wakes up with a jolt. His eyes are adjusting to the darkness in the room as he relives his nightmare. Once more he was back in the arena, getting beaten, unable to fight back. He was staring at Caitlin, who was tied to a column, trying to make sure she was okay when another punch hit him. Feeling the life drain out of him, he sees Manzini standing next to Caitlin, a knife to her throat. “If you die, Flash, I won’t need to keep her alive anymore.” Blood flows from Caitlin’s neck, as she dies right in front of him… that was when he woke up.

Feeling Caitlin stir next to him calms his breathing. He lies back down and wraps an arm around her, making sure she’s still there, still alive. His eyes fall onto the second bed Manzini has put in their room, but unable to sleep, Caitlin had crawled into bed with him on the first night and every following night. It has been four days since he woke up and every day the crime boss would come in and every day Caitlin would come up with medical explanations why he wouldn’t survive another fight. But Manzini’s patience is running low and Barry knows they won’t be able to stall him another day.  
He turns to watch Caitlin in her sleep, the peacefulness calming his anxiety. Though he has been healing, the progress was slow and he wasn’t sure he could take another night in the arena. But he also knows that he’s going to anyway because he’s going to keep Caitlin safe no matter what. Still, the fear of what would happen to her if he doesn’t survive is paralyzing him. He can take the pain, he had done so multiple times, but without his powers to rely on, he isn’t sure how he’ll survive long enough or how to get them out of here. 

They had spent the last days trying everything they could think of, but with no luck. Manzini is a planner and he had thought of everything. They had been holding out hope that Cisco would be able to find them eventually, but the crime boss has snuffed that hope out when he casually mentioned that he has been monitoring Starlabs and no one has come looking for them. Clearly, Cisco is still on another earth looking for Caitlin’s father, unaware of his friends’ situation. And with Nora spending time on Supergirl’s earth, Iris in Gotham and Joe and Cecile on vacation, Manzini had found the perfect time to abduct them. Of course, at some point their friends would wonder at the lack of contact and would look for them, but could they survive for that long?  
Barry’s heart aches looking at Caitlin’s swollen face, the rings under her eyes, her bruised wrists. This is all his fault, once again she is in danger because of him and once again he is unable to protect her. As if she could sense his dark thoughts, or maybe the lack of his steady breathing being the cause, Caitlin starts to stir in her sleep. Not wanting to wake her up, Barry stills, leading Caitlin to sleepily snuggle closer to his chest. Tightening his arms around her, Barry manages to fall asleep again as well.

 

 

Like every morning, Manzini walks in and asks. “What’s the prognosis today, doctor?” Caitlin turns to face him. “You already know my answer” she states coldly. Tightening his eyes, he takes a step in her direction and slaps her across the face before either one of them can move. The sound makes Barry’s gut turn as he jumps out of bed, yelling “Don’t touch her!” The crime boss just looks at him with delight. “I knew you were healed up enough!” “He’s not,“ Caitlin says through gritted teeth, holding a hand to her face, but staring down Manzini nonetheless. “His stitches aren’t healed yet and can rupture on contact, his blood cell counts are still low from blood loss, his…” But she is interrupted by Manzini’s raised voice. “I don’t care! If he can move, he is ready!” Taking a breath and calming himself, he goes on, facing Barry. “It’s actually quite easy, tonight people are expecting a fight. So either the Flash is ready to walk into the arena or she’s going to take your place.” Barry feels like he has been punched in the gut, unable to breathe. “I’ll be ready” he promises, ignoring Caitlin’s protests. Manzini just nods, before walking out, slamming the door behind him.

 

Left alone, Caitlin faces Barry. “You can’t go into that arena tonight, they’ll kill you.” “I don’t have a choice, Cait” he replies. “Yes you do, I’ll go, I can take it” she states fiercely. Barry shakes his head. “No way, I won’t let them hurt you!” “But they will kill you!” Caitlin shouts exasperated. “I don’t care! I won’t let you suffer because of me!” Barry declares unflinching. Caitlin grips Barry’s arms. “Please Barry, you need to let me do this. I can’t lose you, I just can’t…” her voice breaks as Barry hugs her tightly. “I’m sorry Cait, I’d rather die than see you get hurt,” he mumbles softly, holding her through her tears.

Barry just can’t believe how they had come to this, he knows he can’t let Caitlin get hurt, even if it will cost him his life. But what will happen to her if he dies, will Manzini let her go? Unlikely. Will he kill her, too? Panic is rising as he tries to come up with a way out of here, but they have already tried everything. He is going to die trying to save her life. ‘If you die tomorrow, it won’t hurt her any less not knowing how you feel’ Snark’s voice echoes through his head. All the time they had together, and he wasted it because he didn’t want to hurt her. But now she is hurting, and she will be hurting even more if he…when he… 

Pulling back, he takes her by the shoulders and looks down at her. “Cait” She meets his gaze, tears streaming down her face, desperation in her eyes. She can’t believe, she’s going to lose him. They have faced off against the worst of the worst and they have always found a way. How had a crime boss without any powers managed to beat them? Feeling completely helpless, she looks up at Barry, holding on to him, the person she loves most in the world, the person she’s about to lose for good. She can feel something stirring inside of her, a raw anger trying to claw its way out of her. But her fear weighs too heavy on it.

“Cait” Barry whispers once more, rooting her in place with his stare. “I’m sorry I couldn’t stop being the Flash, maybe if I had been just me, maybe…” Maybe he would have been worthy of her. “The Flash is you, Barry” Caitlin interrupts him, surprised, swallowing down more tears, “You can’t stop being the Flash any less than you can stop being Barry. It’s who you are.” He gazes down at her and is met by so much understanding. She has always accepted him for who he was, every part of him, all of him. And though he has tried to shield her from more pain, they are going to lose each other anyway. ‘If you die tomorrow, it won’t hurt her any less not knowing how you feel’ Snark’s voice echoes through his head once more. He doesn’t think about it any longer.

“Cait” he whispers with a thick voice, looking deep into her eyes and letting the words escape his lips. “I love you.” Her eyes grow big, her gaze searching his eyes as he goes on. “I should have told you sooner. I love you so much, I have for a long time, even if it took me a while to figure it out. And I wanted to tell you, but I didn’t want to cause you more pain and I was being stupid. But I need you to know now that I truly deeply love you.”  
“I love you too” Caitlin whispers softly. Barry’s face lights up, he has known that she cares for him, but he hadn’t been sure how far her feelings went. Dipping his head, he carefully lowers his lips on hers, tentatively touching them, asking permission for more. She returns the gesture eagerly, pressing her lips on his, her hands snaking around his neck. Barry slowly moves his lips on hers, his hands wandering down her waist, pulling her even closer. Their kiss slowly grows more urgent, trying to lose themselves in this very moment.  
Caitlin’s skin is on fire under Barry’s hands, electricity coursing through them. She has wondered what kissing Barry would be like, but nothing has prepared her for this. While Barry’s body envelops her from the outside, the knowledge that he returns her feelings fills her from the inside, a warmth spreading through her, chasing away every sad thought, every fear, pain and uncertainty she has ever felt. Barry gently breaks their kiss, a little out of breath, but still holding her close. Touching his lips to the corners of her mouth, making her tingle all over, he mumbles. “I can’t believe we waited so long to do this.” Breathing heavily, she grins. “Me neither” before closing the distance between them once more.


	39. Chapter 39

A loud noise startles them out of their embrace, bringing reality crashing back down upon them. After all this time of burying her feelings, Caitlin couldn’t believe that Barry loves her as much as she loves him. Because she does love him, more than anything, a truth she hadn’t really admitted even to herself.   
And now she is going to lose him… she can feel the anger rising inside her once more, but this time there are no more walls around her heart, no pain threatening to drown her. Barry’s love has chased it all away, paving the path for her anger to really fill her up. As she lets herself feel, really feel every little thing, a power starts drumming through her veins she hasn’t felt in a while. A smile spreads across her face as she steps out of Barry’s arms.   
“Cait? Are you okay?” he asks taken aback noticing the white in her eyes. “I am. And I am going to get us out of here” she states as she lets her power run free, cold mist swiveling around her hands. “Frost?” Barry inquires carefully. He doesn’t know what brought her out, but she is back. And though he knows that Caitlin wanted her back and that they can definitely use her help, right now he wants Caitlin by his side, not Frost. Turning towards Barry, her hair completely white by now, she looks at him and he can see her eyes turn back to brown. “I’m still me, Barry” she states amazed, “I can feel Killer Frost inside me, I can feel my powers, but I’m still in control. I can remember everything she does. It’s like we’re not two different personalities anymore, she’s a part of me, a part I’m not fighting anymore.” Barry takes a step closer, looking searchingly in her eyes, but all he finds is Caitlin, his Cait. “Are you sure you can control your powers?” he wants to know. Caitlin nods, she can feel her powers surging under her skin. Smiling, he steals a kiss from her, before stepping back and gesturing to the door. “Then do your worst.” 

 

Caitlin puts both her hands on the door, slowly sucking the heat out of it, ice appearing on the hinges, cracking the metal. She gives the door a good kick, making it fall outwards. As she steps through the opening, she’s facing two guards stationed outside their room. First, she freezes their guns, then their feet to the ground, as Barry knocks them out. Grinning at each other, Barry takes Caitlin’s hand and together they run down the corridor.  
“We need to get that device from Manzini,” Caitlin states, pulling Barry down an intersection to the middle of the building. “He probably won’t leave it out of his sight” Barry points out, “are you sure you want to face him? We can escape and come back for the device later.” “Oh, I’m sure” Caitlin replies grimly. But Barry tugs on her hand, making her stop. He latches his other hand around her, stilling her. “We still need to be careful,” he insists gently, touching his forehead to hers. “I know,” she promises, brushing her lips against his. Smiling he returns the kiss, pulling her close. 

“Don’t move” a sharp voice sounds. They turn around to find one of Manzini’s henchmen point a gun at them from the other side of the hallway. A cold fog starts to encircle them, making it impossible for the gunman to see anything. Tugging Barry along, Caitlin approaches the criminal. With one move the fog dissipates, while an ice shard appears in her free hand. As Barry knocks the gun out of his hand, Caitlin holds the shard close to his face. “If you want to live, you’ll tell us where Manzini is,“ she threatens the henchman. “Ehm, Caitlin, honey?” Barry clears his throat. She turns her face to look at him, but seeing that she is still in control, he goes on. “Never mind, continue, please.” Pressing the ice on the man’s throat, she hisses “Now!” Sweat dripping down his face, he responds quickly. “In the warehouse, he’s in the warehouse, preparing for tonight… down the hall to the left. Please don’t kill me.” 

 

After locking the man in an empty room, they continue down the hallway and take a left. Soon they spot the entrance to the warehouse that holds the arena. Fear starts to rise inside of Caitlin, the horror of the arena still burned into her brain, but as she looks at Barry, she sees him watching her in return. They smile at each other, squeezing each other’s hands, taking comfort in the presence of the other person. “I love you” Barry whispers once more. “I love you” she replies, warmth chasing away the fear. They open the door and step through.

Manzini is standing in the middle of the hall giving instructions to five of his lackeys. He turns at the sound of the door shutting and spots them. His eyes bulge out of their sockets before he has control again and shouts. “Shoot them!” Five men raise their guns at them, but their bullets only hit the ice wall Caitlin has put up around them. She then conjures her ice slide, pulling Barry behind her, as they glide through the air. Barry holds on to her waist, watching her proudly as she throws ice balls at the henchmen, knocking them out one by one. They swiftly land in front of Manzini, whose face has turned red in anger.   
“How? … You’re not a meta… you didn’t have powers… how….” he stammers, starting to panic. “Hand me the device!” Caitlin just orders, pointing her by ice surrounded arm at him. When he doesn’t move, she freezes his feet to the ground. “The device, now!” “No, I won’t give it to you!” he screams, trashing to free his legs. Another cold gush and his hands are frozen as well. Caitlin steps closer and points the ice at his face. “Don’t move!”   
Meanwhile, Barry starts searching Manzini’s pockets until he locates the device. A second after pressing the button, Barry can feel his powers return. Electricity running through him, lightening in his eyes, he feels like he can finally breathe again. Grinning broadly, he holds out the device to Caitlin. “Want to do the honors?” he asks. Nodding she freezes it until it shatters in a thousand little pieces. 

Touching her, Barry pulls her into Flashtime and brings his lips down on hers, a gesture she returns enthusiastically. After a few seconds, he breaks the kiss. “Sorry, I just really wanted to kiss you” he grins. Caitlin lets out a light laugh, that warms Barry’s heart. Looking over at Manzini, he adds. “We should probably get him in police custody.” “But he knows your identity” Caitlin points out worriedly. “How about we’ll lock him in the pipeline until Joe and Cecile are back from vacation and can make sure he gets locked up somewhere safe where he can’t spill my secret,” Barry suggests. Caitlin nods and Barry rushes Manzini to the pipeline, puts on his suit and takes his lackeys into police custody, before returning a few seconds later to Caitlin. Pulling her close, he kisses her once more, before scooping her up and speeding them back to Starlabs.


	40. Part Ten

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A part of me wanted to end the story in the last chapter, but then I decided to write a real ending, which turned out to be more difficult than I thought ;) So I hope this doesn't drag on too long :)

“I’m fine, Cait,” Barry tries to assure her, sitting on the gurney in the med bay. “I think I’ll be the judge of that, Mr. Allen” Caitlin responds trying to look stern, but unable to hide the smile plastered on her face. She still can’t believe they’ve made it out of there alive. And on top of it, Barry has told her he loves her. Her. She can feel her powers humming under her skin. After years of people leaving her, battling with feeling small and alone after Killer Frost had come out, Caitlin had built a wall around her heart, accepting that she could only really rely on herself. But all through last year, Barry has managed to slowly dismantle it. Now, knowing how he feels, the last barrier has broken, taking away her fears and uncertainties, enabling her to truly embrace her powers. 

While she continues to examine Barry, whose injuries have already pretty much healed since he got his speed back, he slowly slings his arms around her waist, pulling her close between his knees, and starts to kiss her neck. “Barry,” she sighs swatting away his advances, “you have been seriously hurt, I need to make sure everything is healing okay.” “It’s not my fault, Dr. Snow,” Barry grins as he pulls her down for a real kiss, “my doctor is just irresistible.” She rolls her eyes but returns his kiss readily.

“I should still finish my examination” she adds after a little while. Sighing Barry lets go of her. “You said I have no more internal bleeding, right?” Caitlin nods. “And I’m all healed up, no more stitches, no more bruises.” Caitlin nods again. “And I don’t have a concussion, plus I feel completely fine. So, can we please wrap this up, so I can go back to kissing you.” Barry smirks. Blushing slightly, Caitlin gives in. “Fine, but first let me get that tracker out of you.”

As she gets to work on it, Barry takes his phone, scrolling through the missed calls and texts from their friends. He quickly types some replies telling them that they’re fine and that he would call them soon to fill them in on what happened. “There you go, all set,” Caitlin smiles.  
“Did Cisco leave any interdimensional messages?” she inquires, looking down at the phone. Barry nods, pressing play. “Hey guys,“ Cisco’s voice echoes through the room, “so good news, the Breacher Council has agreed to help us find your dad, Caitlin. But of course, they want my help with something in return. Everybody wants a piece of Cisco. Anyway, I might be off the grid for a few days, so don’t worry if you don’t hear from me. Just make sure not to continue with Supernatural without me, understood? Alright. Bye.” 

Barry looks up at Caitlin expecting her to be happy that they are closer to finding her dad, instead, she’s wiping tears from her eyes. “Hey, what’s wrong?” he asks gently. “Nothing. I just didn’t think I would hear Cisco’s voice again,” she mumbles. But saying it out loud just brings the memories of the last few days rushing back and she can’t stop her tears any longer. Barry just takes her face in his hands, brushing away her tears. “I know.” He plants a soft kiss on her lips, before adding. “Let me take you home.” She nods, stepping into his arms, letting his presence soothe her, as he speeds them back to her apartment.

 

While Caitlin takes a shower, trying to put the nightmare of the last days behind her, Barry speeds back to Cisco’s apartment to do the same, as well as change into some fresh clothes, before returning to Caitlin’s apartment with some takeout. Though the ordeals of the last days are still raw, he feels a peace having taken a hold inside him.  
“I would offer to take you out to dinner, but I figured, after everything, some time at home would be better,” Barry smiles as she emerges with still damp hair and fresh clothes from her room. She moves close to him, wrapping her arms around his waist, standing on tiptoes to give him a soft kiss. “Thank you, Barry.” “For what?” he wonders, encircling her as well. “Everything” she smiles as she leans her head on his chest, letting his embrace warm her.  
He can’t believe how much everything has changed without changing at all. They are still Barry and Caitlin, but they are also so much more than that. After being married, he thought he knew what love feels like. But his love for Cait doesn’t feel like a responsibility or a weakness. He had feared that admitting how he feels would be selfish, but instead, he feels her love giving him strength, boosting his confidence, making him feel happy and unstoppable in the best possible way.

“You seem exhausted,” Barry states after dinner, seeing Caitlin’s eyelids drop repeatedly. “Not everyone has electricity running through them, you know” she jokes, but can’t hide her yawns anymore. “You should get some sleep, you’ve been through a lot,” he insists. “We’ve been through a lot,” she corrects him but gets up nonetheless. “You coming?” she asks when Barry doesn’t move. Blushing he replies. “Well, I don’t know, do you want me to? I mean I can sleep on the couch or leave or…” “Now he doesn’t want to sleep in my bed anymore,” she sighs dramatically. But before she can blink, Barry is standing in front of her, grinning, wrapping his arms around her tightly. “I always want to sleep in your bed,” he chuckles. “Then do,“ she whispers, before kissing him passionately.

 

The next morning, Caitlin wakes up in Barry’s arms. Remembering yesterday, her heart swells as a grin spreads across her face. Opening her eyes, she finds Barry watching her sleep. “Morning,” she mumbles, snuggling closer to him. He holds her close, returning her greeting. “How do feel?” he wants to know. “Perfect” she replies nuzzling his neck. “You?” she wonders, lifting her face to look up at him. “Never better” he smiles at her, before lowering his lips on hers.

But after a while, Barry breaks the kiss, something still weighing on him. “Cait, there’s something I need to know.” She looks at him, noting his serious tone. “What is it?” she wonders quietly. “With everything happening so fast, I mean we were about to die and now we’re not, and I just want to make sure that you really want this…us,” he ventures carefully. Worried she searches his eyes. “Of course I do, I’ve always wanted this, don’t you?” Barry tries to put his feelings into words. “I do. I love you... so much and I have for a while now, but I always felt that it was unfair of me to say anything. You have already lost so many people, how can I ask you to be with me when I’m out there risking my life every day. Yesterday I thought I would die and nothing mattered anymore, but now… Look, I just want you to know that if you can’t do this, that I would understand.” Caitlin swallows moved by his words. Always putting her happiness first. “I love you, Barry, nothing can change that. And I do worry about you, I always have, but I worry just as much now as I did five years ago, this… us… doesn’t change that, it just makes it better,” she adds smiling. Relieved that she feels that way, Barry quickly closes the distance between them.

“So do you think we can stay kidnapped another day and just ignore the outside world?” Barry wonders a little later, unwilling to leave the comfort of their bed. Caitlin’s running her hand up and down his back, making him tingle all over. “As tempting as that sounds, I don’t think we can risk depriving the world of the Flash for another day,” she smiles sadly. How he has ever thought that loving her, the most selfless person he knows, could be selfish, is beyond him now. “Maybe just another hour then?” Barry offers, kissing her neck, “I would really like to spend some quality time with my girlfriend.” “Mmh” Caitlin moans, pulling him closer, “maybe just an hour.” 

 

While Catlin’s showering, Barry is in the kitchen making French toast for breakfast. Just then a breach opens in the middle of the room and Cisco steps through. “What the hell, Cisco, you scared me” Barry yelps. “I scared you? I have been looking all over for you, your phones are at Starlabs, but you’re not there, not at work, not at home,…. I mean what are you even doing at Caitlin’s?” Cisco starts agitated before really taking in Barry’s appearance, “and why aren’t you wearing pants?!” 

At that moment, Caitlin comes in, wrapped in a towel. “Hey, Barry, I…” but she stops short when she spots their friend. Looking from a blushing Caitlin to a grinning Barry, Cisco groans exasperated. “Great, I leave you guys alone for a few days and this happens? I mean I’m out there risking my life trying to find your father and you two are shacking up in here.” Shaking his head, Cisco sits down at the counter, grabbing a piece of toast, still mumbling under his breath. Caitlin exchanges a look with Barry, before deciding “I’m going to go get dressed.” 

“I’m sorry Cisco” Barry starts, turning to his friend, but is interrupted. “It’s fine, Barry, I’m happy for you guys. I mean, finally! I’ve been waiting for this to happen for five years now,“ Cisco chuckles while rolling his eyes, “but seriously could you maybe put on some pants.” Blushing, Barry speeds off and returns fully dressed a second later.  
“So what did you find out?” Barry inquires, trying to change the subject. Cisco stops eating and fills him in. “We’ve located Caitlin’s dad on Earth 21, but I haven’t been yet, I wanted to come fill you in first.” Barry nods. “So what did the Council ask of you?” he wonders as he starts eating breakfast as well. Cisco starts recounting his adventure and by the time he’s finished, Caitlin has emerged from her room again, fully dressed this time. Barry gives her a quick kiss, before handing her some toast.

As she’s eating some breakfast as well, Cisco retells his information, taking a steaming cup of coffee from Barry. “Ouch,“ Cisco exclaims, “this coffee is scolding hot, Barry, you could have warned me.” “Give it to me!” Caitlin holds out her hand, her hair changing colors for a second as she blows some frosty air on it. Cisco just stares at her dumbfounded. “When did…I mean how…?” he stammers looking at his friends. Caitlin looks at Barry fondly. “Well, we were about to die and then Barry told me he loves me and suddenly my powers were just back. I guess my emotions were the key after all,“ she explains smiling. “What?!? Why were you about to die? What the hell happened while I was gone?” Cisco demands shocked. So then it is their turn to fill Cisco in on what had happened to them. In the end, Cisco is just looking at them with big eyes, shaking his head. “I guess it’s settled, I can’t leave you two alone anymore.”

 

 

“Caitlin? Have you seen my phone?” Barry shouts a week later from the kitchen. “You left it in the bathroom.. again” she scolds him, walking in and handing him his phone, “you do know that you get the alarms for our panic buttons on your phone, right? So it might be helpful to actually have your phone on you at all times.” Grinning guiltily, he takes the phone from her and pockets it. “Sorry, Cait, I promise to do better” he smiles before pulling her in for a kiss.  
“But you know, “Barry mumbles in between kisses, “you get the alarms on your phone as well … and since you always have your phone on you… I just need to make sure I always know where you are.” Caitlin pulls back. “You’re not putting a tracker in me, Barry” she insists. “What? No, that’s not what I meant,” Barry sighs, “I was just trying to be romantic here.” “Oh okay,” Caitlin replies blushing a little, “Cisco just told me that you wanted to do that after I got kidnapped and I know you worry, so…”  
Barry silences her with another kiss, before adding. “First off, ever since you got your powers back, I worry way less. Second, I don’t want to always know where you are because I worry, but because I want to be with you. Because if I know where you are, I know where I need to be.” He grins at her, proud of his logic. She pulls him in for another kiss. “I might just like that idea.”

A moment later, she breaks free from their kiss. “But we really have to leave now or we will be late for work.” Smirking, Barry kisses her once more. “You do know that I own Starlabs and I don’t mind you being late one bit.” Grinning she sidesteps his advances. “You don’t, but Cisco has already commented on my tardiness this past week and I don’t need his teasing, thank you very much. Also, I don’t think Captain Singh is that laid back about your tardiness.” “You’re right,” Barry sighs, before picking her up and flashing them to Starlabs. 

He quickly greets Cisco, who’s working on his suit. “You know you’re…” Cisco starts but is interrupted by an exasperated Caitlin. “If you say late, I swear, I’m gonna freeze your mouth shut.” “Damn girl, I was only joking,” Cisco quickly backtracks, before stage-whispering to Barry “are you sure she can control her frosty side?” “I’m really not worried about her control,” Barry replies smiling proudly at his girlfriend. He is actually amazed by how far she has come in only a week. They have been training together every day, but it feels like she had these powers all her life. He is actually starting to wonder who is training whom. He quickly pulls Caitlin in for another kiss before speeding off to CCPD.

 

“Hey Bar” Joe greets him walking into his lab, “we’ve just gotten some samples that need analyzing if you’re not too busy.” “Actually, I’m all done,” Barry announces taking the files from him. “That must be a new record, even for your speed,” Joe wonders surprised. Barry blushes. “I might be very motivated to get back to Starlabs.” Chuckling, Joe pats him on the back. “It’s really good to see you this happy, Barry. I’m glad you and Caitlin finally found each other.” “Thanks,” Barry smiles fondly at his adoptive dad. Though he knows that Joe always wants what’s best for him, having his official blessing feels good. “Oh, by the way, Wally is back in town,” Joe adds on his way out. “He is?” Barry asks quickly. “Yeah, he said he’d come by Starlabs today,” Joe responds but only feels the gush of wind left behind by Barry speeding off.

 

The moment Barry walks into the cortex, he knows that Caitlin has heard the news. Though she is sitting at her desk, as usual, he can feel the tension emanating from her. “So, Wally’s back,” he ventures carefully. She looks up at him and a smile crosses her face, some of her tension already easing. “I guess I’ve run out of excuses to postpone this trip,” she sighs, getting up and stepping into his arms. “We don’t have to go, it’s completely up to you, Cait,” Barry assures her, running his hands up and down her back, “I’ll support you no matter what and so will the rest of the team.” “I know, but I need to do this,” she acknowledges, steeling herself. “I told Cisco we would leave in the morning, is that alright?” she asks. Barry nods, kissing her lips tenderly, “It’s going to be okay, I promise.” 

 

The next morning, the trio is getting ready to visit Earth 21 and track down Caitlin’s father. Barry looks over at Caitlin fidgeting with her jacket and biting her lower lip. Smiling to himself, he steps next to her, putting his hands on her shoulders. “Hey, I’m right here. It’s going to be okay.” Caitlin nods. “But what if something happens while we’re gone?” “We waited for Wally to be in town, he and Nora can handle it. We’re not leaving the city unprotected,” Barry soothes her, rubbing her arms. Caitlin nods, before her resolve wavers again. “But what if we don’t find him?” she voices her concern. “We will. Cisco has managed to vibe him, we know where he is this time,” Barry tries to assure her wrapping his arms around her. Caitlin rests her head on his chest. “What if we do find him? He might not want to be found, he might not want to see me, he…” Caitlin whispers worriedly. “Then we will deal with it together,” he promises firmly. Together, she thinks, already feeling a little better. She reaches up and kisses him. “I love you,” she mumbles. “I love you, too,“ Barry smiles. Then he takes her hand as they face the breach that Cisco has opened. “Ready?” Cisco asks. With one more look at Barry, she takes a deep breath, finding strength in the knowledge that he is always going to be by her side, and together they follow Cisco through the breach…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, so I hope you enjoyed this story. I certainly enjoyed writing it, it was a very cathartic experience ;) Though I never would have thought I could write such a long story :) So I just want to thank everybody for your support, thank you for reading, giving me kudos, commenting,... inspiring and motivating me to develop and finish this fanfic :) I love our Snowbarry community XOXO


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